Ghosted by my friend

[TessTimoney]

A bit of background. We met at work and have been friends for over 12 years. Both divorced and single. We holiday together and attend the theatre, cinema and local cultural events together. Every Christmas we meet up with two ex-colleague's for pantomime, lunch and exchange gifts. This year I didn't fancy the the panto and neither did the two ex - colleagues. My friend suggested we just meet for lunch and exchange gifts. I said I was up for that and would invite the others. However, the others said they had lots on in December and would rather leave it to January and I agreed as I was also very busy. I told my friend via WhatsApp (our usual communication method) but she didn't respond. On Christmas eve I sent her a Christmas greeting and wished her a lovely Christmas. I received a curt "thanks". She has ignored my suggestions for theatre visits and all attempts to engage with her. I have asked her if I have done something to upset her but she hasn't responded. I know she isn't ill because she posts on social media daily! AIBU to think she is being childish?

To be honest, friendships with ex-colleagues rarely last. Honestly, I wouldn't be falling over myself to meet up with ex-colleagues (even ones I was friendly with) from 12 years ago.

As you rejected her ideas, your friend is probably feeling a bit slighted and is pulling back. Keep reaching out, commenting/liking her social media posts etc, but the ball is in her court.

The fact that she’s said she doesn’t like Christmas, and had booked a holiday out of the country, suggests it probably is a lonely/difficult time for her, and she put extra importance on meeting up for that reason. Was her perception that you were the one who first dropped out of the pantomime tradition, and the others then followed your lead?

I agree that you don’t have to go to the pantomime if you don’t want to, and that if you were willing to meet up for lunch one on one but she only wanted to meet with the others, there’s only so much you can do. But it sounds like the original plans were important to her and her perception is that you’re the one who made them fall apart. The only way to know for sure that that’s the issue of course is to ask her what’s wrong. I don’t personally think she’s being ‘childish’, loneliness is horrible and it can make you very sensitive to anything that feels like rejection. I think it comes down to how much you value the friendship and how much effort you are willing to put in trying to find out what’s wrong and make amends. Clearly, she’s hurt.

@TessTimoney "We usually meet up every couple of weeks for coffee/lunch but she only wanted to meet up if the others were coming. She has cancelled meet ups with me frequently in the past with very little notice"

this puts a very different slant on it.

I realise that some people treat others badly because of their loneliness. But it sounds like it wasn't a good friendship generally.

She doesn't answered my calls or messages and despite being friends for over 12 years she has never invited me to her home. She told me that she had recently cut ties with two other long term friends, mainly because they didn't agree with her political opinions. Is she lonely or does she want to be alone?

Oof, you should've mentioned this in your OP, most answers would've probably been quite different; she actually does sound like hard work and someone who requires others to walk on eggshells around.

Honestly, she probably isn't a particularly happy person in general, and it also sounds like she's hell-bent on sabotaging her friendships over whatever she considers to be slights, being friends with people only in ways it suits her.

If I were you, I'd leave her to it. If she wants to take your apologies and reopen communications between you two, it's up to you if you respond, but I'd not bother pleading (because that's how it comes across) with her any more.

Your first post was very lacking in important points.

I'm sorry OP, i know being ghosted is shit. But it doesn't sound like she was much of a friend.

She’s got the( correct) impression that you’re not interested in meeting up.
You should have made an effort. It’s not on to back out just because others did

I'm interested in WHY you appear concerned that she's ignoring you. From what you've now said, I'd be pleased 😀

I didn't say I was concerned. I asked, AIBU to consider her childish. As time goes on I actually feel, not pleased, but relieved that I don't have to deal with her anymore.

Maybe, but then from her perspective maybe you've done things wrong. It doesn't really matter. If she was a good friend and you missed having her in your life you'd be willing to put it all behind you, reach out and repair things. But you don't so it looks like the friendship is over and you're ok with that.