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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expecting dsd(10) to make an effort

48 replies

thatsisntwhatiheard · 17/04/2025 20:17

10 year old DSD nearly 11. We’re going to an Easter party tomorrow.

She’s been running round all day so is sweaty and her hair is messy. As we have to leave early in the morning I suggested she has a bath, gets her outfit ready now and her hairs done in the morning.

She kicked up a fuss, refused to have a bath, just wants to wear her usual leggings and t shirt and her hair in her usual ponytail that she does herself.

AIBU to expect her to make some sort of effort at this age?
I’m not saying she needs to wear a dress and a bow in her hair just be clean, put nicer clothes on (she has lots) and her hair done neatly.

OP posts:
FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 17/04/2025 20:19

It's important to teach children about their impact on others.

SHE may not want to be clean and smell fresh, but the people around her deserve that.

It's important we don't teach girls they need to "make an effort" for aesthetics. However, being a considerate human being when around other people IS a good lesson.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 17/04/2025 20:20

Well she can stay home with her df imo.

HeddaGarbled · 17/04/2025 20:26

I don’t think this is a battle I would waste any emotional energy on. I think you have a point but I think trying to enforce it will not end well.

Ilovelurchers · 17/04/2025 20:29

I'd leave this to her parent. If he or she is bothered about how she dresses then let them fight that battle. If they aren't, you are on a hiding to nothing.....

To be fair, my ex's partner (so dad's quasi-steomim, tho she doesn't actually live with ex as yet) places a lot more value on smart clothes, hair care and makeup than either myself or my daughter do (we are a lot more casual/informal in our self presentation). I can imagine her potentially trying to impose these expectations on DD, and while my DD is polite so would probably comply, resentment would fester...

Having said all that, asking your dsd to at least have a bath and wear clean clothes is reasonable (i am not sure there is anything wrong with her having her hair in a ponytail if that's how she likes it). But again, this is her parent's issue to deal with surely, unless they work nights and you are in loco parentis.......

Zanatdy · 17/04/2025 20:31

it would be non negotiable if she wants to come to the party.

Lunchwoes · 17/04/2025 20:35

I'd at least expect her to bathe. That's non negotiable.

Be careful here though I can already see the it's none of your business since you're only the step mum comments starting.

BuzzYourGirlfriendWoof · 17/04/2025 20:36

I would enforce the shower, but am very relaxed about clothing as I’d want my children to feel comfortable. I’d explain that they may want to choose something “fancier” as it’s a special occasion, but would ultimately leave it up to them.

Lioncubhearted · 17/04/2025 20:36

I wouldn't accept the going to bed without washing. The rest, it's her hair and as long as she's in clean clothes, does it matter what they are?

Minglingpringle · 17/04/2025 20:37

I wouldn’t think it was worth an argument. I’d make the point that it’s good manners to the host to be clean and presentable but then I’d leave it up to her.

MrsFrumble · 17/04/2025 20:39

As others have said: Clean is non-negotiable. Can she have a quick shower if she doesn’t want a bath? Mine were both complete soap-dodgers at that age (girl and boy), but they do get better!

Dressing up and having a fancy hairdo: Let her wear what she wants. As long as it’s clean and it fits, no one else will care.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 17/04/2025 20:39

She needs a quick shower, even if everything else stays the same, dad can rinse the sweaty leggings, hang them out overnight.
Some Kids get weirdly attached to certain clothing.
Shower is a must.

Hankunamatata · 17/04/2025 20:40

Shower yes. But t shirt and leggings are fine as is a pony tail

CopperWhite · 17/04/2025 20:40

What’s the event? Is it one she wants to go to?

She might just be saying no to you because of that normal step child feeling of ‘you’re not my mum and I don’t want to do what you tell me, even if I know I should’.

Your relationship with her is more important than how she looks.

HaddyAbrams · 17/04/2025 20:40

Having a bath/shower so she's clean? Absolutely.

But let her wear what she wants as long as it's appropriate. So probably not a bikini.

lunar1 · 17/04/2025 20:41

Would she be more responsive to her parent parenting her?

MereNoelle · 17/04/2025 20:42

I have an 11 and a 9 year old daughter. Washing is non negotiable, but I’d let them wear (clean) leggings and have their hair in a ponytail if they wanted. Unless there’s a dress code?

Moonnstars · 17/04/2025 20:43

Yes to the shower.
I wouldn't worry about the rest though what's wrong with wearing leggings and a t shirt? I guess I am someone who doesn't dress up though myself and also want my children to be comfortable.
Also what's wrong with a pony tail?
Good hygiene is important and I agree with that, but she's 11 years old. She doesn't need to dress up and has plenty of time ahead of her if she wants to do that.

Hankunamatata · 17/04/2025 20:43

Why does she need to dress up?

As long as she is clean which is obviously none negotiable.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/04/2025 20:44

My dd wore DM’s to a wedding.

She doesn’t need to wear a dress. Let her wear what she feels comfy in.

She does need to be bathed or showered though!

Anywherebuthere · 17/04/2025 20:44

Totally agree OP. Maintaining hygiene to a reasonable is a must well before that age.

Would it better if her parent enforced it? Or can she stay at home if she doesnt want to listen.

arcticpandas · 17/04/2025 20:45

So she wasn't refusing to atleast have a shower? That would be non negotiable for me. As for the rest: let her choose her out fit and do her hair herself- she's not a doll who needs to be perfectly groomed to go to a party. As long as she's clean then all is good. I would not be happy if I heard my DD's stepmum trying to force her to wear special clothes and do her hair when my child has made it clear she wants to do it herself.

Pick your fights!

IveGotAnUnusuallyLargePelvisISwear · 17/04/2025 20:47

There’s room for compromise. She needs to shower and wear clean clothes- top and leggings are fine though if that’s what she’s chosen. The more you try to argue the toss the more she’ll dig her heels in if she’s anything like my daughter at that age.

MiddleAgedDread · 17/04/2025 20:48

Shower not unreasonable.
WTF is an Easter party anyway??

Original poster
thatsisntwhatiheard · 17/04/2025 20:50

DH won’t get home untill she’s in bed but she wouldn’t have been any more responsive to him.

There’s no dress code but generally people make a proper effort and put on nice clothes.
I don’t expect her to dress up day to day just think she should be able to on certain occasions.

OP posts:
Pleatherandlace · 17/04/2025 20:52

Agree with others that she needs to be clean and wear clean clothes but o don’t think a child should be made to “dress up” if they don’t want to. I doubt anyone will care if she goes in leggings.

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