Page 2 | Expecting dsd(10) to make an effort

thatsisntwhatiheard · 2025-04-17T19:17:21+00:00

10 year old DSD nearly 11. We’re going to an Easter party tomorrow. She’s been running round all day so is sweaty and her hair is messy. As we have to leave early in the morning I suggested she has a bath, gets her outfit ready now and her hairs done in the morning. She kicked up a fuss, refused to have a bath, just wants to wear her usual leggings and t shirt and her hair in her usual ponytail that she does herself. AIBU to expect her to make some sort of effort at this age? I’m not saying she needs to wear a dress and a bow in her hair just be clean, put nicer clothes on (she has lots) and her hair done neatly.

Screamingabdabz · 17/04/2025 20:52

AIBU to expect her to make some sort of effort at this age?

I can remember my DM saying something similar to me at a similar age and I hated her for it.

If it was my dd, I’d offer to run it for her and add some nice bubbles. Say she can put a fluffy dressing gown on after and watch her favourite programme before bed with a hot chocolate. And I’d help her with her hair and the outfit.

She’s still a child and may still need a bit of mothering and support around self-care.

Original poster

thatsisntwhatiheard · 17/04/2025 20:55

Screamingabdabz · 17/04/2025 20:52

AIBU to expect her to make some sort of effort at this age?

I can remember my DM saying something similar to me at a similar age and I hated her for it.

If it was my dd, I’d offer to run it for her and add some nice bubbles. Say she can put a fluffy dressing gown on after and watch her favourite programme before bed with a hot chocolate. And I’d help her with her hair and the outfit.

She’s still a child and may still need a bit of mothering and support around self-care.

I would absolutely do the same. I didn’t expect her to do it all herself.

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Gymmum82 · 17/04/2025 21:00

I have an 11 year old. Clean and hair washed would be non negotiable. Clothing is her choice. I don’t force her to ‘make an effort’ with her appearance. She lives in football kits and that is what she’s wear to the party and her hair would be in the same slicked back low ponytail that it’s always in. She doesn’t need to look a certain way to please anyone. She does need to be clean and hygienic

Sassybooklover · 17/04/2025 21:05

A bath/shower is non-negotiable, as far as I am concerned and as she's hot and sweaty, hair wash too. Her hair should at least be brushed, and put into a simple pony-tail, if she doesn't want anything fancier. As for her clothes, as long as they're clean, then I wouldn't worry. Not all girls like to dress-up for a party, or wear girlie clothes. There's plenty of time ahead for her to ponder over outfit choices, fuss with her hair and spend hours getting ready to go out!!!

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 17/04/2025 21:21

You can’t win as the stepmother because if you let her turn up at the party in leggings and an old t-shirt people will say you neglect her, especially if you have children yourself and they are dressed more smartly. But if you try to coerce her into dressing more nicely you’re controlling/too focused on appearances.

Original poster

thatsisntwhatiheard · 17/04/2025 21:27

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 17/04/2025 21:21

You can’t win as the stepmother because if you let her turn up at the party in leggings and an old t-shirt people will say you neglect her, especially if you have children yourself and they are dressed more smartly. But if you try to coerce her into dressing more nicely you’re controlling/too focused on appearances.

Yes, I think this is probably my concern.
DH and I will be dressed nicely and so will our dc and I don’t want it to look like no one bothered with how she looked.

OP posts:

QuickPeachPoet · 17/04/2025 21:29

The only bit I would be ok with is the ponytail (provided hair is washed)

EmeraldShamrock000 · 17/04/2025 21:58

thatsisntwhatiheard · 17/04/2025 21:27

Yes, I think this is probably my concern.
DH and I will be dressed nicely and so will our dc and I don’t want it to look like no one bothered with how she looked.

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That shouldn't be a concern, as most parents including step parents are aware that a lot of children go through the soap dodging, comfy baggy clothes phase.

Sometimes until they're 13.

Shower, rinse the outfit she wants to wear. Let her be. She is good enough as she is, once showered.

nopineapplepizza · 17/04/2025 22:23

If her dad wasn’t going to be home until after bedtime, then he can get her up early in the morning to shower her and do her hair and get her clothes ready etc.

I agree that the hygiene aspect is non-negotiable, but that’s something for her parents to enforce. I think you can ask/suggest about personal hygiene, but if she’s resistant to the extent that it’s going to need enforcement (for her own benefit) that’s when her parents need to step up.

socks1107 · 17/04/2025 22:27

At age 10 bathing and being clean is non negotiable. Wearying clothes she likes is a battle I wouldn’t pick unless inappropriate for her age

ConnieSlow · 17/04/2025 22:31

She’s 10 and you are in charge. She gets clean and dressed or gets consequences for that. She doesn’t get to opt out of being clean. Drop her off at her mum if she continues being bratty.

Octavia64 · 17/04/2025 22:31

Clean is required.

nice clothes - if it’s a wedding or similar then I might insist otherwise meh.

when she gets to teens you’ll be saying “you can’t go out wearing that!”. I’d pick my battles until that point to be honest.

doodleschnoodle · 17/04/2025 22:36

Clean, yes. The other stuff, who cares? So other people might look at her and judge. So what? What does it really matter what they think? If she’s comfortable and happy then that’s a win. Don’t ask her to do things because of you’re worried about what other people might think as opposed to just taking her lead.

Fadesto · 17/04/2025 22:37

Can you make it her decision a bit. Lay a nice outfit for her if she wants it. Then maybe make sure everyone else is dressed nicely in the morning, talk about it to other dc like it’s great fun getting dressed up and remind her she’s welcome to join in and you can help her if she likes. If there’s anything she’d like (does she like hair done, nails done etc) then you could add that so it’s fun. If she sees everyone else then she might actually want to join in. If not then I think if leave her be. Washing is a non negotiable though.

Eenameenadeeka · 17/04/2025 22:39

She needs to shower, that's non negotiable. But whatever hairstyle and (clean) clothes she wants is up to her.

staffabbmelford1995 · 17/04/2025 22:41

I personally wouldn’t bother with the argument 🤦‍♀️Unless she is smelly I would let it go .

CrispieCake · 17/04/2025 22:58

I'd be tempted to smear ketchup down an old t shirt, lipstick a smiley face on your forehead, put your hair in two bunches on either side of your head and ask her "How do I look?" Then tell her you're looking forward to going with her to the party dressed like this and won't it be fun? Maybe you should follow her lead and let go more often, what does she think?

MereNoelle · 17/04/2025 22:59

CrispieCake · 17/04/2025 22:58

I'd be tempted to smear ketchup down an old t shirt, lipstick a smiley face on your forehead, put your hair in two bunches on either side of your head and ask her "How do I look?" Then tell her you're looking forward to going with her to the party dressed like this and won't it be fun? Maybe you should follow her lead and let go more often, what does she think?

How is that in any way comparable to a child wearing leggings and a t-shirt?

CrispieCake · 17/04/2025 23:02

MereNoelle · 17/04/2025 22:59

How is that in any way comparable to a child wearing leggings and a t-shirt?

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Sometimes it's nice to let go a bit? It's a two way street - if we're not bothered about being clean and presentable for others, we can't then be upset if they aren't clean and presentable for us.

MereNoelle · 17/04/2025 23:03

CrispieCake · 17/04/2025 23:02

Sometimes it's nice to let go a bit? It's a two way street - if we're not bothered about being clean and presentable for others, we can't then be upset if they aren't clean and presentable for us.

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Leggings and a t-shirt are perfectly presentable for a child though.

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/04/2025 23:03

I'd give her the option of shower/bath but pick your battles and don't force her to dress up if she doesn't want to.

Original poster

thatsisntwhatiheard · 18/04/2025 13:03

doodleschnoodle · 17/04/2025 22:36

Clean, yes. The other stuff, who cares? So other people might look at her and judge. So what? What does it really matter what they think? If she’s comfortable and happy then that’s a win. Don’t ask her to do things because of you’re worried about what other people might think as opposed to just taking her lead.

You’re right.
She was made to have a shower this morning but other than that she got ready as she wanted.
I would prefer her to be dressed up but that is for my benefit rather than hers and nobody has or will say anything anyway.

OP posts:

FairlyTired · 18/04/2025 15:40

thatsisntwhatiheard · 18/04/2025 13:03

You’re right.
She was made to have a shower this morning but other than that she got ready as she wanted.
I would prefer her to be dressed up but that is for my benefit rather than hers and nobody has or will say anything anyway.

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I think it's quite good at that age that she's not too bothered about appearance to be honest. It will increase in teen years, but she's in her last few years of being a child and it's a good mindset to prefer being comfortable.
Our DD liked a bubble bath with a book at that age but hated showers, would that be something your DD might be more willing to do going forward?