To be pissed off with SIL?

[Kitchi]

My baby is just one. SIL repeatedly annoyed me when the baby was a newborn by doing things like breathing heavily in her face (with rank cigarette breath, but it’s weird even with clean breath) and kissing her on the lips. Yesterday she put her lip balm on the baby (she doesn’t even have dry lips) and then gave her marshmallow, ripped with her teeth, repeatedly after I said no.

I don’t want her anywhere near BD now. SO thinks I’m overreacting. Am I?

Yes.

ETA that of course you're right to tell SIL not to do these things, but never having her near the baby again is overreacting

Your partner should of course back you up on things like the marshmallow. If you say no, so should he.

She sounds disgusting.

She bit food a bit smaller and gave it to your 1 year old?
This all sounds so over the top on your end.

I always wonder how some women cope with these obsessive thoughts over their baby, but it’s clear they don’t. These are pretty minor annoyances to be considering cutting your husband’s sister out of your life over.

Just have a conversation
you don’t need to immediately jump to no contact
it’s an over reaction to lip balm etc

the second hand smoke is different - but again, speak! Use your voice

I think you should tell her she’s gross and needs to fuck right off until she learns some boundaries.

Your SIL sounds pushy and fair enough, try to limit the time your child spends with her.

But a 1 year old isn't a baby, they're a toddler. Giving a 1 year old a bit of marshmallow is very different from giving a baby a sugary treat.

I’m not talking about cutting her out of my life repeatedly but about not allowing her close enough to BD to be overriding my wishes and doing gross things to BD.

If it makes any difference, BD had been sick from too much sugar from SIL, because she’s not used to it. I then saw SIL, who was holding her, biting a marshmallow and offering it to her, I said no, she gave it to her and then did it again saying “it’s only a bit.” I then took BD away. SO wasn’t in the room.

She’s just turned one and hasn’t had any sugar ever since this week. We’re on holiday with SO’s family and I’ve relaxed my boundaries but she’d been sick and I literally said no, repeatedly, and SIL carried on.

I suggest considering marriage counseling because your partner should be a team with you and backing you up and he is failing miserably.

The key to me was that you said you asked her to stop with the marshmallows with your child and she continued anyway, REPEATEDLY.

YOU are the mother. YOU say what goes with your child, not SIL. She is deliberately defying you, while giving you a big middle finger.

And your partner sits there nodding along with her, yes, please disrespect my partner and my child's mother. It's just fine!

That's pure disrespect, from him. It's BS. I agree with you 100%.

If anyone does anything you don't like with your child after you've already asked them not to, I suggest going over to them and holding your arms out to your child then taking your child away from them. Some of this stuff takes a little practice but you can learn to take charge.

I don't understand how in some families a baby is considered " public property" and feel as though they can behave how they like with it.

It's your child and you and it's father get to say what behaviour towards it is acceptable, what food it eats etc.

If your SIl repeatedly treats your child in a way that is unacceptable to you then yes, make sure she is not alone with the child, don't let her hold her and generally minimise her contact until she agrees to act in a responsible way with the child.

She sounds pretty awful. Who gives a one year old sugary sweets, particularly when the mum has said no. Small children don't need sugar and it's normal to try and avoid foods with added sugar for as long as possible. She seems to enjoy deliberately crossing your boundaries.

Tell her that her breath stinks so your baby doesn't like it when she breathes all over her.

I imagine it’s all a bit grotty in this family tbh

What's BD?

You are using very odd initials for Mumsnet.
I presume SO is significant other .. we use DP= darling partner.

Also BD presume baby daughter, we use DD = darling/ dear daughter.

I wouldn’t want a smoker near my young child but can’t imagine this heavy breathing… Is she blowing to make a breeze as a funny sensation for your child to amuse them? ?

Rude to give your child sweets when you said no. I wouldn’t have such an issue with biting food into a small safe piece but it doesn’t sounds like you view her as close family enough to be this intimate.

Do mothers have the final say over fathers? Or are they equal partners?

Let your partner see his sister with baby while you get a break, that way she won't have the power to annoy you.

Tell her how much of a choking risk marshmallow is.

And it's fine to set your boundaries. You're her mum.

But I also get the impression you're babying her. The way we police behaviour around a little baby and a toddler who is walking should differ.

I woukd be upset about this behaviour from your SIL too.She is completely disrespectful to you as the baby's mother and not only that feeding such a young child marshmallow is dangerous as its a choking hazard.I would be most definitely limiting her contact with the baby.

The issue is she is not respecting your wishes, which she should whether your child is a newborn or a toddler.

I am assuming that giving OP’s DD a marshmallow (which btw is a choking risk for one year old) was the last straw after doing the odd things to OP’s DD when she was a newborn.
If someone was continuously ignoring my boundaries, I would be annoyed too.

This isn’t ok. Your partner is rubbish. Your SIL is a twat.

Your concerns and feelings are absolutely valid and completely understandable. I suggest setting a boundary (eg,. please do not kiss my baby on the lips). The important part of this is then knowing what you will do if this boundary isn’t respected (eg., you might plan to remove yourself and baby from the situation) and communicating to SIL what will happen if the boundary is not respected (eg., if you kiss my child on the lips again, we will be leaving). Remember you can only control your behaviour (not hers) and so any boundary you set needs to have a consequence that you can act on (e.g. leaving) that does not depend on your SIL changing her behaviour. Remember, this is your baby and you are absolutely right to set boundaries and protect her. Follow your intuition. You’ve got this ❤️

Yes, it is a bit different, it's a huge choking risk, no way should've one-year-old be having marshmallow.

Not to mention, what do you actually think marshmallow is made of???

p.s I’ve just read again and seen that you’re considering limiting contact with her which makes me wonder if there is backstory here and perhaps other things she has done that make you uncomfortable or feel unacceptable to you? Which might be another conversation!