Mum looks uncomfortable when I hug my Dd

[Doyourememberthetimex]

My Dd is 6, we have a very natural relationship when we’ll hug each other, cuddle up etc-normal 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve noticed my Dm often looks awkward/uncomfortable. She has said she wishes she’d been more affectionate when we were kids, I can’t remember her ever really hugging me or telling me she loved me. It’s difficult for me to understand how you can’t not.

Is this normal?

Carry on with the hugs! And hug your mum too! Tell her it’s too late to have had a “huggy” upbringing as a child but it’s not too late to still hug her child now. I’d try not to judge your mum too harshly. I’m a hugger too and find it hard to understand how others aren’t naturally like this especially with their own kids but I can accept that everyone is different. There are so many reasons why she may not have been physically affectionate, including PND, sociocultural upbringing/expectations, undiagnosed neurodiversity/sensory sensitivities etc.

My dad comments on my ds11 being cuddled and shown physical affection from me. He will say "oh my mum never did that, she would think I'm being soppy" or something along those lines, he does it in a way that's taking the piss out of my son, and I won't stand for it, I pull him up on it every time. There's nothing wrong with hugging a child.

I don't remember my parents being like it with me. I knew I was loved as my mum always said it but it always seemed as though I was being told it to control me. "I love you therefore I don't want you going out in to the world, I love you therefore I know what's best for you and you should just do as I say, make me happy because I love you."

I hugged my 2 kids and my dh every day, multiple times, tell them I love them and tell them how lovely I think they are. It just feels so natural to me to do it.

She might be taking it as a personal dig, like you’re only hugging your child TO make her uncomfortable. Making a big show out of cuddle time, highlighting what she couldn’t do.

That, of course, is bonkers and you should not stop cuddling with your DD in front of your DM. If she is so uncomfortable that is for her to figure out and work out, then try to better herself. Not for you to concern yourself with.

you only hug if someone is upset, otherwise it is just not a thing.

This is odd. I know several Swedish mothers and they all snuggle their children just as much as the rest of us. Are you sure you’re not mistaking your family culture for the national one?

Even with babies and children? I find it hard to believe Swedish parents don't cuddle their kids!

This doesn’t seem right. My best friend has lived in Sweden for 30 years, and married a Swedish guy. Whenever we meet, everyone hugs, even their teenage kids will come and hug me, even though they barely know me. He husband is the same (awkward because I really don’t like him!). When we’ve been there, all their Swedish friends/kids do the same.

When I visit friends here with kids, none of that happens.

Sums me up. I’m not a hugger. Wish I was.

I can relate. My mum would hug me but we didn’t cuddle up (I assume when I was little we did) but I was very physically affectionate with my children. She wasn’t upset by it, I think it made her see her own upbringing in a new light. I think her relationship with her parents was loving but quite formal, so by her standards my childhood was brimming with love and affection. It’s all fine, my great grandparents probably showed even less affection but it was understood in words and actions. Different times.

All normal.
I used to get hugs but can’t recall my mum ever saying she loved me. It’s a relatively new habit which started in the US.

Hmm could she be jealous of your relationship with DD? Do you get the sense that she’s trying to get another chance at mothering your dd?

Love this post. ❤

I’m 62 and huggy. My daughter is 28 and not.

it really isn’t generational. It’s individual.

My mum is nearly 80, and she was not an affectionate or huggy mum - I don't think she ever told me she loved me until about 20 years ago. I have no idea why but I do think she regrets it - I don't have DCs but now whenever I see her (which isn't that often), she is overly affectionate with me, which I am incredibly uncomfortable with as it feels so weird and fake. Mother/daughter relationships can be so complex if you have a mum that struggles with love and emotion.

My mother never once hugged or kissed me, or told me she loved me. When I was a teenager visiting a friend her mother hugged me and I went stiff as a board, it was such an alien thing to happen to me. I'm still not a hugger and saying 'I love you' is almost beyond me, even when I feel it deeply. None of it comes naturally to me. I'm sure your mother feels sadness and remorse at missing all that out with you.

She has regrets but a lot of people of her generation weren’t shown and didn’t show physical affection to their children so I think they didn’t really know how and were awkward about it
Ask your daughter if she could give her gran a hug sometimes

Same, I wasn’t shown physical affection and as a result I also find it very difficult to show, except towards small kids, It has definitely affected my relationships and doesn’t come naturally to me

Why are you asking—its normal for her and she has explicitly told you why. It makes her self conscious and regretful about the way she treated you. If you love her anyway just be open and welcoming “ok mum here is the hugging cuddling zone! Think of it as a baby petting zoo! If you want to try you are mire than welcome!”

I wouldnt comment on her uncomfortable expression. It won’t do the situation any good. She can either learn to relax and not tense up when you show affection or she can’t. Just bd yourself with your dd.

My mum was big on cooking special cakes/biscuits, and on organising crafty activities. She was good at hugs in emergencies. She liked to share her interests with us, and loathed "childish" things like nursery rhymes.

She has a total cats bum face when my sister and I are being openly warm and silly with our sons. She still likes to deliver one-off showy "wow" things to kids, still rubbish at physical affection.

I think you don't have to martyr yourself to parenthood, but I think you should bend to what your kids need when you can.

I was singing Baby Shark to my son, and she wanted me "to sing a Latin Carol" instead - but my son LIGHTS UP at Baby Shark, so I love it - she doesn't seem to ever love things because they bring joy to others.

If your DM parents weren't affectionate with her, it makes it difficult. My DGP were lovely but didn't hug.

My dad was definitely a product of his era, he couldn't hug, we never did.

Just give your DM a hug when you see her. Teach her how it feels, it is never to late while she is alive.

My parents weren't very physically affectionate but their love shone through everything they did. My cousin once said she would love to tell her Mum that she loved her but that her Mum would think she had gone round the bend, mine would have been the same. I was more openly affectionate with my own children although one hated being cuddled as does one of my grandsons. We are a very neuro diverse family though.

I know, bonkers replies. Op no don't stop cuddling your child. This is her issue and well done for breaking the cycle and not being the same with your child. She needs to work on her poker face, it is not for you to manage her emotions.

My FIL who is 88 is really huggy. My dad simular age wasn't and would visibly stiffen. Different people, different childhoods, nothing to do with age. I remember years ago hearing someone in my team at work saying I love you to her child on the 'phone which I thought was absolutely ridiculous and gushing.I had never heard a parent say that. I now realise that was a me thing!

My mum had to really fight against her upbringing to say, "I love you" to me as a child (and only started relatively late), and we're still not very huggy. I know from her actions that she would do absolutely anything for me and I trust her more than anyone on the world. It was the same between her and her mum. It's just not how she was brought up.

It was in fact as awkward as all fuck for both of us at the time when she decided it had to change and started being more demonstrative, but full credit to her!

Consequently (probably) I was very firmly not a hugger at school until I made friends with someone from another culture who used to laugh at me and basically force hugs on me 😁.

I'm much more physically affectionate now in general and it came as naturally as breathing to me for my children, but we're all different and I can certainly relate to that intensely awkward feeling emanating from your mum!

She may not mean anything by it at all. I'd probably just leave it be and start hugging her before it's too late, however awkward at first!

We are not a huggy family - my parents never did this and I don’t do this either - doesn’t mean we don’t care -