Mum looks uncomfortable when I hug my Dd

[Doyourememberthetimex]

My Dd is 6, we have a very natural relationship when we’ll hug each other, cuddle up etc-normal 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve noticed my Dm often looks awkward/uncomfortable. She has said she wishes she’d been more affectionate when we were kids, I can’t remember her ever really hugging me or telling me she loved me. It’s difficult for me to understand how you can’t not.

Is this normal?

Also I think people with internal issues and struggles often view their children as an extension of themselves in a way they don’t with grandkids. Which means that can be harsh and mean on their kids and be very different as grandparents.

Your posts don’t explicitly say it but they hint at your feeling anger and sadness about how you are parented and that is being compounded by how your mother is as a grandparent. If that is so (and not a massive projection on my part) I can totally sympathise with those feelings. I needed some professional help to work through mine so I could stop feeling angry as that was “only poisoning my well”.

I think it’s normal. My Dad (80s) was sent off to boarding school at 8 with just a peck on the cheek from his mum. We are quite physically affectionate with our (now) late teen boys and always have been. Dad thinks it’s lovely and more normal than his own upbringing.

I found hugging one of the strangest things to adapt to when I moved to the UK from
Sweden. We just don’t do it. There are other ways to show your love

a lot of older people weren’t brought up affectionate, especially towards their fathers, so they have carried it on, my your mother seems to wish that she hadn’t.
Give her a hug

Mine was the same but I think it was a generational thing. I definitely felt loved but there were no cuddles or I love you’s. With my own children I was like you, lots of cuddles and telling them I loved them. Although my mum never said anything I noticed she showered my children with cuddles and declarations of love so she probably felt the same as your mum but didn't voice it.

My mum was the same, and now does the same as yours when my sons hug me, especially now they are teens and tower over me. Her discomfort is of her own making, I have a visceral reaction to her hugging me because she just never did. I just don’t like her in my space.

I am a dad of two boys my dad never hugged me never told me he loved me . He provided and was present by not affection.

I hug and love my lads so much and they willing hug back . My dad always looks uncomfortable but I understand now that it’s was just they way and time he was brought up.

I now hug my dad have even given him a kiss. He’s totally awkward but he leans in a bit. He’s a bit better with the lads than he was with me but still very reserved considering he’s the most chatty man alive. I feel sad for him but it doesn’t change me.

Just enjoy your hugs x

It means people born in say the 1930s (as my mum was) were likely less openly affectionate with cuddles and saying I love you to their children. It doesn’t mean they weren’t good parents but over the generations we have became more openly affectionate with our children. I speak from my own experience of parents and relatives born in that era.

I grew up in a similar household. I was never hugged by my parents or sibling. But I am very affectionate with my children and husband. I feel awkward hugging my kids in front of my parents and sister as I don’t do that with them. Particularly when saying goodbye as my dds will hug them and I stand back awkwardly. Are you sure it’s not you that feels uncomfortable too? Try to look at it as a shared thing you all love and hug your dd because she’s awesome. The more relaxed/happy/normal it is for you hopefully your mum will relax too.

As to why your family are quite reserved I’d assume from their own upbringing s? You say your dgp are great but maybe they were different with your parents. Look at your mum. I know my parents both grew up in households where the belt and spankings featured and I’m guessing displayed emotions would have been met with anger not love.

She wants to experience and be part of that lovely affectionate relationship you have with your daughter. Try to make it happen.

My grandfather was a very old fashioned Scotsman born in the Edwardian era and brought cup with a formality that doesn’t exist now. He was also a fighter pilot and a strict father. He wasn’t physically affectionate with his orb children, or even most of his grandchildren, but we were the youngest and half a generation younger than my oldest cousins. My mother delighted in seeing him learn to indulge a side of himself he’d never been able to access before. We were the only grandchildren who sat on his knee, ran to give him hugs and plant big sloppy kisses in his cheek. Of course, we didn’t know at all until years later, but our natural affection brought him both joy and a new experience of life he’d never had before.

Maybe she thinks all the affection is put on to make her feel bad , like a performance parenting thing? , or maybe affection makes her feel awkward ?
either way I would just carry on doing what you do and not overthink her reaction

Oh and maybe you can be a bit more buggy with your Mum too. You might have to teach her. She’s spoken of her regret. Tell her it’s not too late and she can have plenty of hugs now.

I grew up with similar lack of affection. My dad was very stiff upper lip and my mum would briefly touch us then withdraw. I cuddled my dog all the time and now I cuddle my DD naturally and as much as possible.

I struggle to show affection though with DH! I don’t naturally want to reach out to him, like holding hands or cuddling in bed. I see couples touching each other - I never felt that. I tried to be more affectionate but it wasn’t natural.

So I am a bit stiff upper lip myself except when it came to my sweet little dog, and these days to DD who I can’t stop reaching out for.

Well your daughter is the priority here so definitely don’t stop hugging her when your mum’s around. Do you hug your mum at all as an adult?

Of course it is a generational thing. One baby book a few decades back advised parents only to shake their children’s hand once in the morning and to never hug them!

My parents are mid 80s. I am in my 50s. They never hugged or kissed us or showed any affection. I do wonder why they did not. It has always felt innate to me to be tactile and loving with my children. They were pretty shit parents really all round. My mum also dislikes any shows of physical affection. I refuse to stop hugging my kids in front of her, even now they are young adults.

If I’m honest, I still resent them for it which is not healthy I know.

Don’t change a thing. You aren’t responsible for her feelings. Why should your DD miss out to spare a grown woman some guilt? Some people have to get their shit together on their own sometimes.

Some older generations had some weird ideas. My GM didn’t cuddle my DDad past babyhood in case it turned him gay (so much wrong with that idea I don’t know where to start!).

It was really quite recent that attachment theory became a 'thing'. Up until the 60s, the experts of the time were literally telling parents that they shouldn't spoil their babies by picking them up whenever they cried.

I watched a documentary about adoption and there were clips of old info videos telling parents that picking up crying babies too much would cause them to became anxious.

Pretty much all of our grandparents and some of our parents will have been doing the 'right' thing for that time by not fussing over us too much. That's without considering the fact that THEIR parents and theirs before will have been even more so like this.

I think even the fact OPs mum can look back and wish she did it differently is positive.

Not everyone are huugy people though. It's no right or wrong. My own mum I can never remember giving any of us- or the grandchildren hugs Doesn't mean she loved us any less

Do you hug / kiss / use touch now with your mum? Maybe she would like that but doesn’t know quite how to start. Maybe squeeze her hand sometime or kiss on the cheek when you’re leaving.

Can you explain? Swedish parents don’t cuddle their children - is that what you mean? If you mean the way adults hug as a greeting - I agree and I hate it. I don’t hug adults unless they’re upset or they’re my close family (mum, DH).

literally telling parents that they shouldn't spoil their babies by picking them up whenever they cried.

I actually got told this by a Health Visitor 5 years ago. Amazing the bollocks that gets passed on.

OP, I really don't think there is an issue here. In the sense that the situation is clear.

You are physically affectionate with your child, and you should carry on hugging her in front of your mum, of course.

This has made your mum reflect that she wasn't with you, and now regrets it. She has acknowledged this. The reasons can be many, as other PPs have pointed out (you may want to ask her gently about this over time if you really seek to understand, but without judgement, that won't help anyone).

It's too late for her to change how you were brought up. But she does now show affection for your DD.

A win-win situation from where I'm standing.

Anecdotally, my MIL in her 70s has commented when I hug DD that her parents never did. I felt sad for her. But I knew them and they were lovely people. Just no hugging. Pretty usual for their generation.

it isn't up to you to manage your mum's emotions.

You need to tell DM, this is how I am going to be, I am not changing my actions woth my child. You need to deal with your feelings, handle your emotions or stay away. I won't change how we interact because of your guilt.

Deal with your guiltm Like an adult.