Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Financially providing, but just feel it’s still not right…Career / Job / working as a team

34 replies

Agii · 16/04/2025 22:57

I’m just trying to figure out what conclusions I should be drawing here.
So, my long-term partner works full-time and pays for pretty much everything — the mortgage, bills, car insurance, etc.

I stayed home with the kids for about three years, then started picking up weekend shifts, sometimes every other weekend, once the youngest got a bit older. Childcare was just way too expensive, and with the gap in my career, the jobs I could get wouldn’t even cover the cost.

Anyway, now I’m working again — usually 3 to 4 days a week. One of those days I dedicate to studying because I’ve started a pretty demanding online course with a lot of deadlines and focus needed. I also keep one day a week for my preschooler. So yeah, my time fills up very quickly.

Everything I do is within school hours because my youngest doesn’t have access to any wraparound care, and ideally, we’d only need that occasionally for now.

Lately, my partner’s been dropping hints about me working more — full-time, or at least consistently four days a week. I’m open to working three full days a week for now, and then more once the little one is fully settled into school. We had a talk about it — about me doing longer days — and I said that would mean we’d need to share the cost of wraparound care and that he’d also need to help with pickups sometimes if I’m working late or can’t get there in time.

His response? He said he can’t commit to that and won’t help with childcare costs either because he already pays for everything. But at the same time, he wants me to contribute more financially to the household.

Right now, I cover all my personal expenses, the kids’ activities, and I’m also paying off a student loan and a credit card — all on a pretty small income. We keep our finances separate.

So I honestly don’t see how I’m supposed to contribute more when 70% of what I earn would go straight to childcare, and I’d still be doing all the pickups and drop-offs like a single parent. His job could allow some flexibility, but he’s not even willing to ask for it — he just assumes his work is more important than mine. I get that he earns a lot more, but after years at home with the kids, I want to rebuild my career. That’s why I started studying and working again. But I don’t feel like I’m getting any real support from him to make that happen.

People say it’s not all bad because he’s financially supportive — and yeah, I get that — but emotionally, he’s just not there. He’s very comfortable knowing the kids will always be looked after, no matter what. He is an involved dad, but we’re not working as a team, not in the way we should.

It just seems like the idea of me working regular hours and needing him to step up really doesn’t sit well with him.

And sure, maybe I’ve gotten used to the security of him covering the big expenses — but I’ve got my own goals. I want to be able to contribute more, and I know I could, but I don’t feel like I’m being enabled to do that right now.

OP posts:

SilverButton · 16/04/2025 22:59

YANBU and he's coming across as a bit of a dick to be honest.

Stoneyard · 16/04/2025 23:04

when you ask him to contribute to childcare all you’re doing is demonstrating the financial value of what you contribute to this set up. He doesn’t sound like he understands this at all - how much you facilitate his career.

it’s also heteronormative and there are a lot of social pressures or unconscious beliefs probably driving his behaviour. Not that that excuses anything. Get back on the career ladder asap!

Original poster

Agii · 16/04/2025 23:13

Just to add. He does a fair share of household chores, kids personal care, things with school for eldest. He can do it all and , I know.

But I can see that he is just too comfortable with me being there and not willing to step up unless it is convenient to him. I can certainly tell that most things are done at his own pace when it suits him, instead of facilitating. He would hardly ever leave work early if I was unwell to look after kids.

And the latest issue is having very difficult mornings with my school aged son who refuses to go to school (it is so crushing experience for me and my son) and my partner has an option to help me to drop him off for breakfast club which means he would leave for work only 4 to 5 minutes later than usual and he just said no!!
But that would mean a great deal and would say a lot of anxiety for me and my son. Just because it does not suit him. I am truly puzzled how his mind works sometimes he can be great, but he can be a right arsehole as a partner.

OP posts:

Hufflemuff · 16/04/2025 23:18

Sit him down and explain this all to him and see what he says.

Or have you already done that? What did he say?

Original poster

Agii · 16/04/2025 23:28

Of course it has been discussed over and over. In his eyes he wants me to work down the local garage / school hours. That’s his idea of full time job. That’s how much worth he sees me. And I’m not taking things for granted, but I’m sure I have more aspirations, but I need that support and encouragement that I don’t seem to get from him.
if I could financially get started with covering all the childcare, if not hesistate.

OP posts:

JHound · 16/04/2025 23:45

“His response? He said he can’t commit to that and won’t help with childcare costs either because he already pays for everything. But at the same time, he wants me to contribute more financially to the household.”

Why are there so many dud male partners posted here.

Like seriously wtf?

It’s an epidemic of useless male partners.

JHound · 16/04/2025 23:48

When I read this - all I see is a flaming dumpster.

How do people get into situations where they have kids with men like this? Also OP - if you are unmarried and in England and Wales, your financial protections when you split are next to nothing.Something to think about if you continue to prioritise his paid work over your own.

CountryMumof4 · 16/04/2025 23:50

If he wants you to work full time - and it sounds like you want to get your career back on track - he needs to help facilitate this. And, once you are full time, he needs to accept that he pulls his weight doing his fair share of pick ups/drop offs and you need to pay your share (as a percentage of your earnings) towards all household bills/childcare. Full time is not school hours, so you'll need to find a decent childcare provision and jointly fund this. It sounds like he's far too used to everything being arranged around him. I'm not sure how you'll get around this, but you'll need to sit down to discuss costings and joint responsibilities, then go from there. Perhaps he's feeling the pressure of being solely responsible for the bulk of your household expenses, but for you both to contribute you need to have a plan in place to enable you to work full time.

suburberphobe · 16/04/2025 23:54

^His response? He said he can’t commit to that and won’t help with childcare costs either because he already pays for everything. But at the same time, he wants me to contribute more financially to the household.

Just tell him it will be more expensive to divorce having to provide a new home for his kidsl

I would leave him anyway.

GoodCharl · 16/04/2025 23:55

You say long term partner not husband. Im assuming hes paid into a pension, youve not?

Enrichetta · 16/04/2025 23:56

You say partner, not husband, so you are very vulnerable. You scaled back your career for his sake and now find yourself at a crossroads. Time to focus on your career and try and make up what you have sacrificed.

NB: please tell me the house is in both your names and he has paid for your pension/SIPP while you were looking after his children...

MojoMoon · 16/04/2025 23:58

You are not married, correct?

How much are you saving into a pension? What's your plan for old age?

You have facilitated him working full time and climbing the career ladder. He and his employer will have contributed significant sums over these years to his pension pot.

As you are not married, you have no claim on his pension pot if you separate.

By not working and then only working part time/not pushing on with career progression, you will have lost several years of pension contributions. If you remain part time now or in low paid work, your contributions will remain low.

What this means is that he will have a comfortable old age and you will be poor in your old age.

You MUST think about this. He should have been making contributions to your own pension fund while you were doing the domestic labour of the household.

CarpetKnees · 17/04/2025 00:03

It sounds like you’ve got into a pattern where you’re responsible for everything to do with kids and home, and he pays the bills. Now he wants you to share his responsibility (bills) but he does not want to share any of yours. Yes, it’s unfair.
when you ask him to contribute to childcare all you’re doing is demonstrating the financial value of what you contribute to this set up. He doesn’t sound like he understands this at all - how much you facilitate his career.

This.
A big part of which arises from the fact he has never had to 'parent' from the start.

But I can NOT understand how two people can be a family unit and keep their finances separate. It just does not make sense.

Original poster

Agii · 17/04/2025 00:09

GoodCharl · 16/04/2025 23:55

You say long term partner not husband. Im assuming hes paid into a pension, youve not?

He is paying for is both as he says. But who knows when things to tits up?

OP posts:

GoodCharl · 17/04/2025 00:11

Agii · 17/04/2025 00:09

He is paying for is both as he says. But who knows when things to tits up?

Show quote history

So into his only then with the promise its for both of you?

Original poster

Agii · 17/04/2025 00:12

Enrichetta · 16/04/2025 23:56

NB: please tell me the house is in both your names and he has paid for your pension/SIPP while you were looking after his children...

House is on my name too. Once we had a conversation about the fact that , if I am with him because of financial security and he said if that comes to that point he will give me the house. But without match income, I can’t even keep the household afloat. He clearly wants a relationship to last forever. Part of me thinks he knows how shit it’s gonna be if we split up and have two households and suddenly half the time he needs to deal with the kids. Loss for both.

OP posts:

DorothyStorm · 17/04/2025 00:18

GoodCharl · 17/04/2025 00:11

So into his only then with the promise its for both of you?

Show quote history

this isnt clear. Do you have a pension in your name he is paying into?

what course are you doing? Will it lead to a well paid job? Comparable to his?

Whatifitallgoesright · 17/04/2025 00:26

You and so many other women. Thank you for articulating it so well.

Original poster

Agii · 17/04/2025 00:48

DorothyStorm · 17/04/2025 00:18

this isnt clear. Do you have a pension in your name he is paying into?

what course are you doing? Will it lead to a well paid job? Comparable to his?

Show quote history

It is level 6 Learning & development. It can lead to a good career, but will never match to his. It’s called motherhood penalty.

i do not knkw actually if my name is on the pension pot, all I know he told me he does. I’ll find out and make sure he does

OP posts:

Enrichetta · 17/04/2025 01:08

i do not knkw actually if my name is on the pension pot

Sigh. What does this even mean? He may have named you as a beneficiary on HIS pension......... but it is still HIS pension. And he can take you off as a named beneficiary at any time.

You are very vulnerable. You need a pension - and a career - of your own.

As for this:

Once we had a conversation about the fact that , if I am with him because of financial security and he said if that comes to that point he will give me the house.

And pigs might fly...

Why, in this day and age, do women still shoot themselves in the foot.

GoodCharl · 17/04/2025 04:40

i might be wrong but you cant have a pension pot for two people. You can only be a named beneficiary if he dies and leaves it to you. He might not do this, he could name anyone on there. You are completely financially vulnerable. I would really be extremely worried in your position. He said he would leave the house to you but if you split up, and hes gone from mr nice guy to arsehole, he wont keep that promise unfortunately. Do you have a will each? You know not being married, if you dont have a will, his share of the house, pension etc could end up with his next of kin and not you

Love51 · 17/04/2025 05:19

Enrichetta · 17/04/2025 01:08

i do not knkw actually if my name is on the pension pot

Sigh. What does this even mean? He may have named you as a beneficiary on HIS pension......... but it is still HIS pension. And he can take you off as a named beneficiary at any time.

You are very vulnerable. You need a pension - and a career - of your own.

As for this:

Once we had a conversation about the fact that , if I am with him because of financial security and he said if that comes to that point he will give me the house.

And pigs might fly...

Why, in this day and age, do women still shoot themselves in the foot.

Indeed.
Ignore all promises of what he'll give you if you break up. If it isn't in your name now, he won't even give it to you while you are together!

Interesting that he won't do his share of childcare but he also wants you to work. Really odd that he only wants you to work in something with few prospects.
Do you have financial transparency? Has the recent cost of living spooked him?
You'd be better off in your career role than picking up minimum wage shifts. Well done with that, it isn't easy.

Zanatdy · 17/04/2025 05:49

It sounds like he has you as a beneficiary on his pension, and isn’t actually topping up a pension in your sole name whilst you’re not working / working low hours. As you’re unmarried, this puts you in a very vulnerable position, as if you split, he walks away with his fat pension, and you, nothing.

If you’re working full time you need to look at both incomes and split household contributions fairly according to income. You should be paying towards mortgage and bills, and he should pay towards childcare. I personally would get back to full time work asap given you’re unmarried, and doesn’t sound like he is topping up a private pension for you. I guess he feels he pays enough already, and perhaps he does, but you need to look at incomes and work out a fair split.

Wallywobbles · 17/04/2025 05:58

I had a career of 30 years in HE & L&D it’s been heavily impacted by AI. Just be very aware that if you’re not very up on AI it’s not a certain career now.

SilverButton · 17/04/2025 06:03

He refuses to leave for work 4 or 5 minutes later to make things easier for you and your son? This man is not a kind person OP. And I agree that it sounds like you are financially vulnerable. Why aren't you married?

Flip

1 2