Financially providing, but just feel it’s still not right…Career / Job / working as a team

[Agii]

I’m just trying to figure out what conclusions I should be drawing here.
So, my long-term partner works full-time and pays for pretty much everything — the mortgage, bills, car insurance, etc.

I stayed home with the kids for about three years, then started picking up weekend shifts, sometimes every other weekend, once the youngest got a bit older. Childcare was just way too expensive, and with the gap in my career, the jobs I could get wouldn’t even cover the cost.

Anyway, now I’m working again — usually 3 to 4 days a week. One of those days I dedicate to studying because I’ve started a pretty demanding online course with a lot of deadlines and focus needed. I also keep one day a week for my preschooler. So yeah, my time fills up very quickly.

Everything I do is within school hours because my youngest doesn’t have access to any wraparound care, and ideally, we’d only need that occasionally for now.

Lately, my partner’s been dropping hints about me working more — full-time, or at least consistently four days a week. I’m open to working three full days a week for now, and then more once the little one is fully settled into school. We had a talk about it — about me doing longer days — and I said that would mean we’d need to share the cost of wraparound care and that he’d also need to help with pickups sometimes if I’m working late or can’t get there in time.

His response? He said he can’t commit to that and won’t help with childcare costs either because he already pays for everything. But at the same time, he wants me to contribute more financially to the household.

Right now, I cover all my personal expenses, the kids’ activities, and I’m also paying off a student loan and a credit card — all on a pretty small income. We keep our finances separate.

So I honestly don’t see how I’m supposed to contribute more when 70% of what I earn would go straight to childcare, and I’d still be doing all the pickups and drop-offs like a single parent. His job could allow some flexibility, but he’s not even willing to ask for it — he just assumes his work is more important than mine. I get that he earns a lot more, but after years at home with the kids, I want to rebuild my career. That’s why I started studying and working again. But I don’t feel like I’m getting any real support from him to make that happen.

People say it’s not all bad because he’s financially supportive — and yeah, I get that — but emotionally, he’s just not there. He’s very comfortable knowing the kids will always be looked after, no matter what. He is an involved dad, but we’re not working as a team, not in the way we should.

It just seems like the idea of me working regular hours and needing him to step up really doesn’t sit well with him.

And sure, maybe I’ve gotten used to the security of him covering the big expenses — but I’ve got my own goals. I want to be able to contribute more, and I know I could, but I don’t feel like I’m being enabled to do that right now.

Why’s he the boss? Just say no that doesn’t work for you, you’ll need to come together as a team to work out a solution - like all married couples do.

You can't share a pension - it's not like a joint bank account or mortgage.

He may have named you as beneficiary which means if he dies, the pension pot goes to you. But he can remove you as a beneficiary at any time. You have no security.

I would strongly urge you to get married for your financial protection and also to have a pension in your own name. You do not need a big wedding. You don't need a wedding at all - just book in the at the town hall and get two random people to act as witnesses.

Marriage also makes the administration of a death far far easier so it is also protecting you if he dies and vice versa.

Has it been discussed? Do you both have wills in place already? Otherwise if one of you dies, the other does not automatically inherit the other half of the house if you aren't married. Plus you would be liable for more inheritance tax as you won't get the marriage allowance.

But that’s happens so easily . Once finances are dried up after my last salary, it gets much harder to get out there to have a job without having spouses full support. I’m fully aware of the situation and do know that it may change. I’ll have a serious conversation with him about these things.

He is managing finances fine, he does share the expenses list to me to understand the outgoings, but I do not get any money from directly anymore, so I am unable to contribute with my shall income.
house is in my name regardless, pension - yeah, clearly screwed if that goes wrong. Even if we were get married, u highly doubt I would stay together until pension age.

But if you were married you would be entitled to half of his pension. This would make a big difference to you. You really need to watch your own back here.

I vote go back to work full time anyway. He clearly wants everything all his way and life isn't like that. He will need to pay his fair share of childcare and do more round the house. Obviously you won't be around as much and he will need to step up

These posts always amuse me, l have seen a lot of "he wants me work full time, earn more money but for him not to do more round the house or pay fair share of childcare costs". Do they think women are some kind of magician?! Magicking up free flexible wrap around childcare out of nowhere

First thing you need to do op is go onto the government website set up your state pension account access on there and check what payments are missing. This might be the one hes referring to. He might be paying your NI contributions. If not you need to get onto this as this is the barest of bare minimum pension you need to pay into.

then a conversation re what hes got (and get proof not just words) pension/savings/who the house names are in. If he has death in service are you named as beneficiary on everything. With you not being married, its imperative you sort this asap. Get a mirror will in place.

then have a frank awks conversation about how you want to get financially back on track by working, how that will look with school drop offs, childcare etc. you work as a team to sort this

if hes still adamant it all falls to you including the mental load, washing/cleaning house, then you can come back here for advice/need to have a good think about what future you have/want. Changes need to be made and set in stone (not throw away comments about “the house will be signed over to you if we split” - that will not happen ever)

Hows things op?

Well, working on my exit. Things got bad, so we are no longer together.