To think you look after your kids if it’s in a court order

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

Just that really. Regardless of whether you, or your AP have a headache, or a cold. Regardless of whether you “have a better offer” for the weekend. Regardless of whether your child is feeling slightly under the weather. Or whether you can’t book enough annual leave to cover 50% of the school holidays, as per the court order.
If you have a court order with scheduled times, why is always the resident parent who is left to pick up the pieces? I’ve seen people on here before, saying “just take the kids round”, or “make them”, but we all know that that’s now the real world works. And I know I’m just having a moan, but ffs, why is it that the minute I have plans of my own, on a VERY rare free weekend (child free, and booked the weekend off work) they cancel, meaning that I now need to cancel my own plans at my own expense - again

YANBU. If it’s their weekend, they have the kids or they sort out alternative childcare. That’s it.

They can ask you, and if it works for you or child is ill and really wants to be home, maybe you’ll say yes. If it doesn’t, they have to sort out a family member, babysitter, sort it with work etc etc. The same way resident parent has to when things come up and the other parent says no.

Yanbu

It does make you wonder why some men go to the trouble of going to court if they don't actually want to look after their children. I suspect it's more about controlling the mothers. Unfortunately a court order can't make someone be a parent, it's only there to make the resident parent allow contact if the other parent wants it.

It sucks.
Are you keeping a record of it? Can it then be used as grounds to vary the court order, so he's not being asked to do more than he can commit to? I've no idea if that actually works in practice.

I had this a lot when we first split up. On a friend's advice for 6 months I pretended that all changes worked really well with my plans.

Thanks for letting me know you're cancelling this weekend EXH, that actually works really well because I was hoping to take the kids to my parents this weekend. Just so you know they're a bit disappointed though.

Actually, being 4 hours late is perfect ExH - I was half way through cleaning the kitchen so its brilliant to have the extra time. Are you going to let school know they'll be late or shall I?

Thanks for letting me know that you're not picking up till Saturday morning EXH - that actually fits better for me because I've been finding the weekends without the kids a bit long - see you tomorrow.

Turns out that half of it was enjoying pissing on my plans (possibly subconsciously if we're being charitable) and once I did this he got a lot more reliable. I still don't tell him now if I've got anything fun planned for when he's got the kids incase he comes down with manflu!

Except that does not work in reality and they cannot be forced to have the child even if it is "their" time.

Unfortunately a court order can't make someone be a parent, it's only there to make the resident parent allow contact if the other parent wants it.

Very true.

Id follow up with an email, just confirming his cancelling. Each time.

Eight years on and I’m used to it now, just still grates occasionally.

YANBU. Men like this are less than useless. The scrap heap is too good for them.

I think this is wild in the UK. I’m in Canada now and if the parent doesn’t take their time they’re charged more in child support and you can also bill them for the childcare you had to arrange/cover for their time.

I’m sure you know this @Reallyneedsaholiday , but your kids will remember that you were always there for them, and your ex couldn’t be relied upon.

My dad was flakey about contact weekends (in reality it was usually only an afternoon he could be bothered with) and as adults me and my sis are v close with my mum, and treat my dad like a slightly awkward uncle we see occasionally.

Which idiots voted yabu??

Sadly many deadbeat dads see parenting as optional, and the resident parent as the default.

And yes, you can force them to parent (to an extent) but that leaves the kids feeling like neither parent wants them.

Yes - and it always surprises me that instead of each parent fighting to have more time with the child, the child-free time seems to be the thing they fight about. Sad really

Yep it sucks.

My ex used the courts for control - went for (& got) two of three weekends (eow weekend wasn't enough but he moved too far away for weekdays), just over half of holidays and other dates significant to him.

In three years he saw our girls 11 times. Regularly just didn't turn up at all. Yet when we went back to court I was told I was being "unhelpful" in not understanding that his job meant he couldn't always stick to it. There was an air of me being unreasonable in asking that he let the girls know by Thursday that he wasn't collecting them on Friday.

Took another year to have the order changed. Thankfully a different judge saw right through him. After she ripped into him he stopped using the courts as a control tool.

If people aren't nice, reliable and decent pre divorce then they probably won't have a personality transplant after.

Sorry for your messed up plans though!

Nobody is fighting over child free time. They’re fighting for reliability, consistency and stability for their child.

And their child-free time. Which is absolutely fine, it just seems the opposite of what you’d expect

I don't think it's sad for the resident parent to be disappointed that the other parent is not consistent and feels like it's perfectly fine to just decide they can't be bothered and leave them to pick up the pieces.

It's all fine & well saying that but the problem comes when they message saying "I'm not taking the kids" it's not asking if you can have them or if you have plans,they just don't turn up or intend to do it just falls on the resident parent to do it or arrange something

Because when you are the RP your childfree time is rare and precious.

You can't just leave the kids with your OH while you pop to the shops for milk. You can't just go for a run while dad makes breakfast. You can't just have a glass of wine knowing someone else can do early morning.

Sometimes, you might even plan to go to an event and book tickets months in advance, excited for your "night off".

And when the NRP decides to throw a fit for no reason, your plans are ruined. It doesn't mean you don't love the bones of your children, it just means you sometimes appreciate a minute unaccompanied. NRP often seem to do this as a power play, which makes it even worse, and for the children who also have their plans ruined.

It’s awful, I had years of it. Even wanting to bring them home from holiday early as they knew I was working and earning money. It’s a control thing to stop you doing anything, it got me so down but eventually when I stopped reacting he went away for a few years. Hasn’t had them overnight since, now they are adults that see him once every few months.
Doesn’t help you now I know. I feel for you it got me so down

Child free time is a really tricky thing. It hurts like hell not to have them around, and you wonder what they’re doing, are they ok. You also have a weird feeling of not knowing what to do - Saturdays with your child are planned around football training, swimming, parties… It takes a long time and a lot of effort to learn to see this new free time as an opportunity. Go to the gym, go to the boring thing that kids wouldn’t be interested in, book tickets for a show, see friends. So when you’ve forced yourself to start having a ‘child free life’… yes it’s a PITA when the other parent bails. Your plans are cancelled, the kids are hurt and disappointed… it sucks!

How can you?
my daughter’s ex just suddenly said he wasn’t having their child on one if his days anymore. Nothing she could do.
Went from EOW Friday to Sunday to just EOW Saturday.