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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Getting judged for wanting to put twins into nursery

32 replies

Chocstrawberry1 · 16/04/2025 16:27

I am asking this on behalf of my friend (she doesn’t have a MN acc)

She has 13 month old twins and obviously they are a handful. Her DH works FT and recently she’s shut herself off from everyone (even me until now) and she’s been really depressed.
She has expressed wanting to put the twins into nursery 2 days a week within the next 6 months and she work part time. She is south Asian and she has been saying her in-laws and extended family members have been making remarks about her not being a full time SAHM and the kids should be with the mum all the time. She feels she will be ostracised if she puts them in nursery part time but she is really struggling with them at home. I help her when I can but I can see myself it’s a lot for her.

She wants to know if she’s being unreasonable wanting to put the twins into nursery 2 days when they’re around 18 months? Or should she wait until they start school?

OP posts:

Ilovecakey · 16/04/2025 16:29

I don't think it's unreasonable. I have twins myself and it's a lot! Especially with no help. Although mine aren't in nursery but I do want to put them in just nowhere has space.

EzraJones · 16/04/2025 16:31

DO IT. Those family relations have no right to tell her what to do.
The DH's opinion seems curiously missing in the OP though...

Yellowtracktor · 16/04/2025 16:34

I don't understand. Do you think anyone who puts their kids into nursery is being unreasonable? It doesn't matter if it's twins or not, of course it's fine, millions of women do it every day.

Original poster

Chocstrawberry1 · 16/04/2025 16:34

EzraJones · 16/04/2025 16:31

DO IT. Those family relations have no right to tell her what to do.
The DH's opinion seems curiously missing in the OP though...

Sorry I forgot to add this.

Shes spoken to her DH and he said ideally he wanted to wait until they were 2 so they could speak abit better but he’s seen her mental health deteriorate so he’s said he’s happy whatever she decides to do.

OP posts:

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 16/04/2025 16:36

Oh hell no. She should do it.

i only had one. I worked full time though.

but taking an annual leave day when dc was in nursery saved my sanity more than once. Unless family are stepping up with regular childcare they can butt out.

do it. I’d also argue it’ll be really beneficial for twins as they will learn about socialising outside their “twinship”. Can she say her hv has suggested it as they need to learn to play with other children and not just each other?

also get a cleaner, gardener, and anything else she can afford.

TreeCake · 16/04/2025 16:36

Doing it with one child is completely reasonable, so I would definitely say that with twins it's completely fine.
There's always someone giving an opinion that wasn't asked for, isn't there? When I put my DD in aged aged 4 when I was on mat leave with my second DD, a 'friend' told me she didn't know any other 'stay at home Mums' who used nursery (fwiw I worked full time and wasn't a SAHM, just on mat leave with a newborn).
If your friend needs this for her own wellbeing then I admire her for recognising this and putting herself first.

Sassybooklover · 16/04/2025 16:43

It's really no one else's business. If she feels she needs to put her twins into nursery a couple of days a week, then she must do what's best for her family. It's very easy to criticise but her relatives aren't her and aren't having to cope with twins 24/7!! Working a couple of days a week, interacting with adults, will help her sanity.

MidnightPatrol · 16/04/2025 16:44

She is obviously not being unreasonable.

Those criticising her should try walking a mile in her shoes.

ARichtGoodDram · 16/04/2025 16:48

I had my twins with a childminder one day a week at 1. They were relentless and I needed the break.

At 2 they were going 2 days a week - they both went on a Wednesday and then one each went Tuesday and Thursday to give me time with one of them as they were at very different developmental stages due to one having a disability.

She absolutely should do what is right for her and she should ignore anyone moaning at her. With twins (actually any babies, but more with twins) the world and its wife always has an opinion, but they ain't living it!

Mrswalliams1 · 16/04/2025 16:51

Do it. I'm a twin mum and my husband worked full time. I had no family help. It was really tough. I put them.in nursery half a day twice a week and it made a big difference to me.
I really feel for your friend. I found that with twins, everyone seems to be an expert. She needs to do what's best for her and the twins. Ignore everyone else.

Morningsleepin · 16/04/2025 16:51

My mother was forced to stay at home when my sister was young and my sister is forever scarred by having had a depressed mother. She went out to work when I was young and I missed her but am not scarred

Octavia64 · 16/04/2025 16:53

Hell I put my twins with a childminder one day a week from 9 months just so I could sleep.

twins is bloody hard work and you need a break.

BethDuttonYeHaw · 16/04/2025 17:01

She’s not at all unreasonable and this would be good for her and good for the twins.

anyone judging is an arsehole who should be ignored.

Newgirls · 16/04/2025 17:02

definitely ok! Her twins will be happier with a happier mum. Top tip - she doesn’t have to tell the interfering relations?

Nandortherelentles · 16/04/2025 17:05

She should do whatever she likes with her own children and tell anyone who has an opinion on her choices to fuck off.

AlisounOfBath · 16/04/2025 17:08

If her family are so judgmental, perhaps they could offer to step up and help her? Surely if they think nursery is so awful (it’s not) they could take the babies for two days a week? Of course she isn’t being unreasonable. Poor woman, I feel for her.

clinellwipe · 16/04/2025 17:11

I wonder if these judgemental relatives are helping out with childcare and housework or if they’re just being twats from afar. I can’t imagine how hard mothering twins must be.

justasking111 · 16/04/2025 17:13

Twins in our family settled really fast and well. Enjoyed nursery very much.

Springtimehere · 16/04/2025 17:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ShodAndShadySenators · 16/04/2025 17:15

She should do what she feels would be right for her. ONE child is full on and relentless, two can be gruelling. My mum said when my DSis and I started crawling it became a nightmare as we'd both crawl off in different directions towards different hazards like the stairs or the open back door (it was the seventies...) and she had to decide quickly which baby was in greatest peril.

Sod it, if your friend feels three nursery days is even better, I'd say go for it. Whatever works for her, nursery is not like jail time. It would be good for the babies' development as well as her overall wellbeing.

JeremiahBullfrog · 16/04/2025 17:16

The options are more than just (1) nursery and (2) staying at home with the children and never seeing anyone. No wonder she's depressed if she's been trying #2! Obviously socialising with young kids isn't easy but it sounds like she hasn't even been attempting it.

nomas · 16/04/2025 17:18

user1490043295 · 16/04/2025 17:18

Being a mum of twins and from Asian background I can get the pressure to do what generations have done before. But those family members would of got help as they mostly lived as a family unit with generations under one roof. It's easy for them to critise but she has to think about what's best for her family unit. She has to realise people will always talk and critise parenting techniques. She just needs to block it all out and do what she feels works. Definitely put them in nursery . Maybe start with couple of half days and see how she feels

MamaToBloom · 16/04/2025 17:18

My in laws are of south Asian heritage and although they weren’t open about it I could tell they were a bit miffed that I put my child in to nursery, I could tell it wasn’t ‘the norm’ - the older culture wouldn’t ever trust children in a nursery and would prefer them to be at home with mothers etc. However, as I am the child’s mother, working part time with the majority of parenting being left to myself, I also decided to put my child in nursery… now all of a sudden it’s okay and my SIL has put her child in to nursery as well and they couldn’t say anything better about it! I would do it, for her own sanity

QuickPeachPoet · 16/04/2025 17:19

I am cheering your friend on and I don't even know her.
If her husband has so many opinions on the matter he can sit at home and not work. Let your friend get out there, use her skills, earn some money and get some stimulation.

She won't regret it and it sounds like she really needs it.

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