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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you find out who really carers when the chips are down

45 replies

Conistonhawks · 16/04/2025 12:00

I know I have already written a post about being in hospital. I have been in since Friday and will be in two weeks in total but will be going home during the day this weekend.

however- not one of my so called mates has been to see me despite them all living 20 minutes away at the most. I do have friends further afield but I would not expect them to come. However a text would be nice.

I have one friend who rings me regularly at 3 o clock in the morning sobbing about things yet I have not even got a text off her while I have been in.

only 2 friends have messaged me and then only once. Most of them are off work this week for Easter.

my inlaws have not come either despite living five minutes away. One of my brothers has been to see me the other has not even texted me.

my husband, son and mum have all been great but it is too much to expect an effort from others. Is this a sign to not be there as much for them in future and not put myself out.

OP posts:
Fimofriend · 16/04/2025 12:07

That sucks. Could you write a lighthearted text to one or two of your friends and ask them to come visit?

I hope you get better soon and that the food at the hospital is edible.

Orangemintcream · 16/04/2025 12:20

I’m sorry you are unwell. I’ve come to learn it’s not uncommon and it’s also the people you wouldn’t expect.

A close friend of 15 years ditched me last year after being virtually non existent while I was unwell for a long period of time.

I had supported her through multiple surgeries, illnesses, abusive boyfriends, career moves that didn’t work out, and a whole lot of other stuff.

I couldn’t believe it and it was so so hurtful. I will never forgive it.

NeuroSpicyMumof3 · 16/04/2025 12:23

Do they even know you are there?! Surely you didn't send a mass text announcing your admission? If you are fed up and want to speak to someone for company just give them a call. If they do know they may just be waiting to hear from you in case you want space?

Kitkatfiend31 · 16/04/2025 12:27

The lack of texts is pretty awful but I often think people don't know how to act in these situations. Do you want space? Are they intruding? Assuming that others are there for you. Etc. Sometimes you need to spell it out. I'm in hospital/at home ill and really bored. Please text, call or visit to help me pass the time.

mondaytosunday · 16/04/2025 12:32

Gosh. Though I’m not sure I’d want visitors while in hospital myself but I’d expect my bestie and messages of support!
But as for your title: well no shit Sherlock. It’s been forever thus.

clinellwipe · 16/04/2025 12:42

My best friend went silent when my young son was in hospital earlier this year … wouldn’t answer the phone or respond to messages. When my son got better they reappeared, then when something came up on one of my son’s scans and he is now under investigation to rule out something sinister best friend has gone AWOL again.

I eventually asked what was going on and they replied they’d been busy with their nephews christening and didn’t have “the mental capacity” to deal with me/my unwell son. That was a couple of weeks ago and it’s been radio silence both ways ever since

Original poster
Conistonhawks · 16/04/2025 12:46

my husband texted and let them all
know I was in hospital and these are the times if anyone wants to visit. He got messages back saying “oh yes sure we will visit and message no problem”etc

OP posts:
Jeezitneverends · 16/04/2025 12:48

That sucks…my relative has had a few hospital stays recently and their friends have been falling over themselves to visit so that I get a break

I feel my experience would be more like yours unfortunately

TammyJones · 16/04/2025 12:50

Its fair weather friends.
Nothing wrong with that exactly- just don’t exspect that much of them.

nodramaplz · 16/04/2025 12:52

Silently distance yourself!
People are selfish, so self absorbed these days it’s unreal! Convince themselves they are so busy to text back, too busy to call, too busy to check in! Yet they can quite quickly tell you when they think you’ve annoyed them.
Fine. I’m going to match that energy.
then they sit up and listen but when I’m at that stage, it’s too late.
So, the saying goes!
Let people do what they want to do, so you can see what they would rather do!
you’ve seen it now, act accordingly!

Hysterectomynext · 16/04/2025 12:54

No one visited me either. And I had to complain to my children to get them to text me after major surgery. The husband of another patient took it upon himself to look out for me and was so amazing I’ll never forget his kindness

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 16/04/2025 12:56

I can relate.

I’ve been in hospital now for 9.5 weeks and there is no end in sight atm.

I don’t expect them to visit because the hospital I’m in is fairly far away from most, but not one has bothered to text or ask how I am or even ask DP how I am.

As far as I’m concerned they can get stuffed.

Nutsabouttopic · 16/04/2025 12:57

My friend was involved in a bad accident in covid times so no visitors allowed. She was amazed at how good and caring some people were, ringing, texting, posting things to her. A neighbour who she didn't know very well sent in a laptop with Netflix on it. She was extremely grateful to everyone who took time to think of her. However what she was very shocked and hurt at was those who she considered to be close to her barely contacted her. These are people who she babysat for for full weekends despite having no children of her own, dogsat for, drove to appointments and had been away with. When she came out of hospital after two months she reassessed her life and cut a lot of people out. She felt very hurt and used but no more. She said that they didn't deserve to have her in their lives. I think in troubled times you find your true friends

TortolaParadise · 16/04/2025 13:08

I know I always say this but you never really know people. However, the signs of their true colours are usually always there.

I hope you are on the mend.👋

Hysterectomynext · 16/04/2025 13:14

Even a text is something. I remember that one friend did ask if she could visit so I gave her the details. She didn’t come but actually I still appreciate the offer because we have not seen each other in 10 years and she’s a busy nurse so I thought it was kind of her anyway.

Hysterectomynext · 16/04/2025 13:17

I hope you feel better soon OP. I’m still unwell and it’s hard. I’m upset at everyone and your post reminds me of how few people care. I guess it’s busy lives and a lack of commitment. But truly, you need to remember this and scale back your commitment to them. Particularly the 3am caller. I’d say this is over for sure. You’ve been shown how they are now

Pandimoanymum · 16/04/2025 13:19

clinellwipe · 16/04/2025 12:42

My best friend went silent when my young son was in hospital earlier this year … wouldn’t answer the phone or respond to messages. When my son got better they reappeared, then when something came up on one of my son’s scans and he is now under investigation to rule out something sinister best friend has gone AWOL again.

I eventually asked what was going on and they replied they’d been busy with their nephews christening and didn’t have “the mental capacity” to deal with me/my unwell son. That was a couple of weeks ago and it’s been radio silence both ways ever since

"Busy with nephew's christening" yeah right. Too busy to even send a text? Nobody is that 'busy" with a christening. I
Not having the "mental capacity to deal with" you just needing a little bit of hand holding in a time of trouble tells you all you need to know about where you are on her list of priorities. You deserve a better best friend. Horrible woman.

MrsEmmelinePankhurst · 16/04/2025 13:24

I hear you.

Last year one of my children was actively suicidal for several months. I was on suicide watch 24/7 and there was no support from doctors / CAMHS etc - as a family we were in utter hell. Awful. Even my in-laws didn’t bother to phone or call to see how things were, and they are close relatives. A friend - who I thought was a close friend, and who I’d supported through the death of a parent months earlier at huge emotional cost to myself - simply ghosted me.

Both my parents died tragically before they got old, when my own children were babies and I was still young, and most of my friends ran a mile. The only friend who supported me had lost a parent herself so she understood.

Some people just can’t (or don’t want) to deal with this sort of stuff. It’s really made me reevaluate my relationships.

I hope you’re feeling better OP and that you’ll be home soon.

MrsEmmelinePankhurst · 16/04/2025 13:28

Pandimoanymum · 16/04/2025 13:19

"Busy with nephew's christening" yeah right. Too busy to even send a text? Nobody is that 'busy" with a christening. I
Not having the "mental capacity to deal with" you just needing a little bit of hand holding in a time of trouble tells you all you need to know about where you are on her list of priorities. You deserve a better best friend. Horrible woman.

Show quote history

Omg. Nephew’s christening pffffttttt. “Didn’t have the bandwidth” - that is SO insulting, and your friend is a cow, pure and simple. What the feck are friendships FOR if not to support each other through the bad times as well as enjoying the good times?

I really hope your son is OK and that you are managing to get some support when you need it

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 16/04/2025 13:34

I am so sorry op. This is very hurtful. That friend who calls at 3am? I would stop that immediately when you get home. Friendship works 2 ways

Enigma53 · 16/04/2025 13:35

illness brings out the worst in humanity.
I have cancer, no one really bothers anymore. At first I think I was a novelty. Now it’s worn off, they don’t want to know! I’m actually in discomfort and mentally under stress, as my current chemo isn’t working.

I hope you enjoy some hospital free time at the weekend OP. Sending good wishes 🌼

Hysterectomynext · 16/04/2025 13:37

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 16/04/2025 13:34

I am so sorry op. This is very hurtful. That friend who calls at 3am? I would stop that immediately when you get home. Friendship works 2 ways

Totally agree. This thread is really upsetting me and I need to come off it but I wish you good health op and please reevaluate who you put your energy into. Get well soon 🌼

Pandimoanymum · 16/04/2025 13:38

Enigma53 · 16/04/2025 13:35

illness brings out the worst in humanity.
I have cancer, no one really bothers anymore. At first I think I was a novelty. Now it’s worn off, they don’t want to know! I’m actually in discomfort and mentally under stress, as my current chemo isn’t working.

I hope you enjoy some hospital free time at the weekend OP. Sending good wishes 🌼

I'm sorry to hear that, Enigma, I can't imagine dropping my good friends at a time like this. So many fair weather friends out there it seems, its very sad.

stayathomer · 16/04/2025 13:39

op I’d have been ditched ten times over if people were like this, I’ve been up and down and exhausted and missed out on being there for people going through tougher stuff but I just couldn’t. And I mean I was one foot in front of the other. Other times I’ve just not realised people needed me. my friends continued to be there for me and I have stepped up at other times.

Mn is very harsh on people. Yes it’s everyone’s choice who they should have in their life but going nc/ dropping/ ghosting/ reevaluating etc etc- there’s always the chance people will end up extremely lonely and losing out when the other person just couldn’t/ didn’t step up at one particular time/ a few times

Cookiecrumblepie · 16/04/2025 13:40

I think sometimes people ask a lot of friends. They’re not there to support you through serious illness etc that’s what family is for. A message or a visit maybe but I think the rest is really for family to do.