To be unsure about asking my fiancés to take my name?

[Kuerbis123]

Name changed for this one.

hello everyone!

I am getting married next summer (registry wedding next spring/ winter) and there is still the question of the surname.

My surname is incredibly popular. Think Smith and I honestly wouldn’t mind something a bit more unusual. But my wonderful fiancé‘s name is „Smyth“. Same pronunciation, also incredibly popular, just one different letter.

my fiancé would want us to have the same surname. And whilst he initially had a slight preference for his own surname he has since that initially conversation repeatedly told me that he would gladly take my name. He would also be perfectly fine with double-barrelling.

I personally just feel very unsure about this, tbh. The one thing that’s clear to me is that I would want to have the same surname as the children we will hopefully have.

We are however not allowed to hyphenate our children’s names (that’s the rule where we live) so they‘d either be Smith or Smyth, even if their parents are named Smith-Smyth….

What would you do? Am I placing too much weight on that one single letter? Will it even matter in 10 years?

It somehow feels wrong to just flat out tell me fiancé that I would like him to take my name. He gladly would. But it somehow makes me feel uncomfortable! (Probably Somme hang-ups of mine about surnames, societal expectations etc.)

My fiancé. Just the one! Oops.🙊

Surely even if you could double barrel you wouldn't do that? It's the same name.. twice?!

Anyway I can't see a problem at all with him taking yours if he's not bothered and you are. Your version is easier to pronounce as it doesn't have an alternative pronunciation where his does.

Just choose one and have the same name. I think you're overthinking it!

Just choose one, you couldn’t double barrel the same name with one different letter!

If you were a man you probably wouldn't even be questioning this.

It's your name and your choice. Same for him. If your future husband is happy to do it, then let him.

My first husband took my surname. I had always said I wouldn't change my surname and feel very strongly about it. But it was important to him that we had same surname, so he decided to take mine.

I'm now married to someone else and we have kept our own surnames.

As the names are so similar just flip a coin.

I don't understand. You prefer your fiancé's spelling and you aren't bothered about keeping yours so why not just change to his?

Seems like a lot of worry over a non issue. It’s the same name with one letter difference? Just choose which spelling your future children will use and pick that one for yourselves. Personally, if only one letter difference in spelling, I would choose the version which most other would recognise as the common spelling so that you don’t spend your lives saying something like “it’s Smyth with a y”.

Honestly if the names are the same except one letter I would just keep your own and he keeps his. It seems daft to change it for the sake of one letter given you have the same last name already.

Well you'd be mad to double barrel - first because it would sound ridiculous ("My name is Anne Smith-Smyth, first one with an I, second with a Y", and people might think your're stuttering/repeating), second because your children won't have the same name, which seems a priority for you. So just choose Smith or Smyth and stick with it. I really don't think it makes much difference if they sound exactly the same. I'd probably go for the simpler spelling to save having to spell it out for people all the time.

Or pick a different name. The main thing is you want a family name. If you both change your name then no one is at a disadvantage.

Smyth-Smith is utterly ridiculous.

Historically surnames were not really fixed in spelling until about 1900 due to illiteracy levels.

My husbands family name appears on the 1841/1851 censuses spelt differently. This is something you see time and time again. So I don't see why anyone should be hung up on the spelling.

In terms of today, if you have a very common name, changing to a slightly more unusual name makes it less likely that your records can be mixed up with someone with the same name. It also makes you more identifiable as an individual (this may or may not be a good thing in terms of social media).

My point being, that you wouldn't be changing the family name anyway. It's just a choice about being common or uncommon.

You seriously can't do Smyth/Smith though.

Play rock paper scissors, decide in advance if it's best of three.

If you both want the same name and neither of you really minds which one, I would genuinely flip a coin. Then there really are no misogynistic/old-fashioned traditions at play. You will be able to tell people how you chose if that's something that concerns you.

You could even do something more daring to choose, to make it a funny story? Something like doing a skydive at the same time and you both take the name of whoever hits the ground first (I know that wouldn't actually work or be fair, but you get the drift)!

Do this.

Them being so similar would to me make it much less of a thing.

Don’t double barrel, it looks and sounds ridiculous. Smith-Smyth!

If you can’t discuss this with your fiancé you probably shouldn’t be getting married tbh.

Add the y from his to the end of yours! Smithy 😂 sorted.

I don’t get it. Why would you double barrel and be “Jane Smyth Smith”

I would personally pick the most simple spelled version else you will constantly be correcting people when they assume it’s spelt that way when it isn’t.

That is probably / certainly true! But I am not and I just feel… guilty?

Smith and Smyth probably wasn’t the best example. Both versions are legitimate and „common“ spellings.

When I have to give my surname (when calling the doctor, talking to new clients etc.) people usually automatically ask whether my name is spelled with an „i“ or a „y“.

We unfortunately aren’t allowed to simply pick a new surname. The laws pertaining to names (especially family names) are incredibly strict here. I would love to use my paternal grandmother’s surname. But that unfortunately isn’t possible.

Or choose a new name together.

One that is special to both of you. We have had friends with what they would call terrible surnames like Longbottom and Crank so have changed them to places they have been, one of them was Paris which is where they had their honeymoon too. So many choices, choose one.

I would say combine them but in this case it is pointless.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 not allowed, unfortunately.

But we have been joking about „Smyith“ or Smiyth etc…

Just seen your update, what a place to live where they dictate your name. What country is this? I am puzzled.

Indeed the rules sound so bonkers I'm surprised they don't have rules in place for you having to take your husbands name.

Switzerland.

an amendment to the current law will (probably) come into effect which would allow hyphenated surnames for married couples (again. It was changed a few years ago and now the whole legalities will most likely change once again. But the legislators have decided that hyphenated surnames for children is one step too far.)

But I couldn’t just decide that I have always wanted to be named “Potter” and go from Ms Smith to Ms Potter. (There are ways to change one’s surname but I would need to make an official request showing that I experience serious disadvantages due to my surname. Having the same name as a mass murdered or a name that sounds incredibly offensive in a national language would probably work.)

Smith-Smyth would be absolutely ridiculous.

Why on God's green earth would you remotely consider double barrelling the SAME NAME?! That's the most batshit thing about this post...