To be unsure about asking my fiancés to take my name?

[Kuerbis123]

Name changed for this one.

hello everyone!

I am getting married next summer (registry wedding next spring/ winter) and there is still the question of the surname.

My surname is incredibly popular. Think Smith and I honestly wouldn’t mind something a bit more unusual. But my wonderful fiancé‘s name is „Smyth“. Same pronunciation, also incredibly popular, just one different letter.

my fiancé would want us to have the same surname. And whilst he initially had a slight preference for his own surname he has since that initially conversation repeatedly told me that he would gladly take my name. He would also be perfectly fine with double-barrelling.

I personally just feel very unsure about this, tbh. The one thing that’s clear to me is that I would want to have the same surname as the children we will hopefully have.

We are however not allowed to hyphenate our children’s names (that’s the rule where we live) so they‘d either be Smith or Smyth, even if their parents are named Smith-Smyth….

What would you do? Am I placing too much weight on that one single letter? Will it even matter in 10 years?

It somehow feels wrong to just flat out tell me fiancé that I would like him to take my name. He gladly would. But it somehow makes me feel uncomfortable! (Probably Somme hang-ups of mine about surnames, societal expectations etc.)

This reminds me of - there was a guy on Made In Chelsea called Ollie Locke, who married someone called Garreth Locke, and they both changed their surnames to Locke-Locke!

Why do you feel uncomfortable about him taking your name (or rather, spelling)? I'd be bloody delighted I had a sensible future husband who didn't have a typical male ego.

Just decide whether you want the more or less common surname, and use it. Or alternatively, keep yours, give your kids that one too, and he keeps his.

I don’t know why…
I just have this niggling feeling that I’m somehow asking for too much.

I would have rather liked to change my surname to something a little less popular than “Smith”, tbh. But I somehow managed to fall in love with and get myself engaged to somebody with (essentially) the same surname. So getting a less popular surname unfortunately won’t be possible 🤣

I was in court a few weeks ago and a petitioner, a social worker and I all had the same surname. So that wasn’t confusing at all.

Do you feel he would be asking too much, for you to change your spelling to his?

My husband took my surname. It was fine. It’s actually simpler it seems for a man to change his name than a woman, paperwork-wise.

Similar sorts of reasons. I wanted our kids to have the same name as both of us. Slightly different in that DH never knew his biological father whose name he was given so he had no emotional tie to the name. I didn’t really want to give mine up for a name that didn’t even have significance to him. So we just went for mine. We did toy with taking his grandparents’ name because they only had girls, all of which married, but it was the same case on my mother’s side so seemed unfair to pick one side or the other if we were going down an unconventional route anyway.

No one bats an eyelid. Everyone who isn’t family assumes that was my husband’s surname. I think if you have practical reasons like we do it’s easily justifiable. It also depends on what your set up is like, I guess. We’re quite young and I guess expected to be quite liberal. If you have a more conservative family, I could see that being difficult. Strangely, my dad actually made much more of a stink about me saying that my title was “Ms” not “Mrs” because he said that it “made me sound divorced” (as if that’s a bad thing?! Plenty of people are…).

DH lives for the “maiden name” box on forms.

Oh my god you would call yourself Susie Smith-Smyth? You’ve got to be joking!

First of all: Thank you - and some other posters - for reframing this as a simple change of spelling and not a change of name. It has offered me some (valuable) perspective!

I couldn't take his name / his spelling if he wasn't also willing to take mine. That would feel entirely too patriarchal.

But no, I woudn't feel that he'd be asking too much (provided he was also willing to change his spelling to mine, which he is). I don't know why.

His father unfortunately died a few years ago so (obviously) can't attend the wedding (my parents and his mother will). Using his version of our surname might be an opportunity to honour my fiancé's late father.

I wouldn't actually call myself "Kuerbis Smith-Smyth". I'd just say "Hello, I am Kuerbis Smith" (or Smyth. Same pronunciation). It would simply be hyphenated on official documents etc...

@MauraLabingi That is a fun idea! Maybe nothing with heights but the concept is fun!

Double barrelled names are a pain in the neck, I work in the NHS and if you put a double barrelled ame into any computer it rejects it. You have to mess around with addresses and dates of birth. It's also such a mouthful having to say Mrs Smith-Smyth every time. I've always kept my own name and my DS has my surname too. Men really do have such fragile egos. Why can't he take your name.

I couldn't take his name / his spelling if he wasn't also willing to take mine. That would feel entirely too patriarchal
But he is willing to. He's said so. And you prefer his spelling so why not just change the spelling of your name to your preferred way, happy in the knowledge he would do the same if you wanted him to and not overcomplicated it?

Double barrelling would be insane behaviour.

Personally I wouldn’t bother changing my name, and I would choose the one with the least common spelling for the children (since it’s a very common name).

I agree. He absolutely is.

I am simply trying to explain why I am mostly willing to change the spelling of my name, am grateful that he is also willing to change the spelling of his name but fear that I'd be somehow asking too much if I were to ask him to change his spelling to mine even though I know that he would.

And yes, I am realising that I might sound a tiny bit unhinged. Acknowleding that unfortunately doesn't make me any less uneasy about this. Even though it should probably be a non-issue... But it somehow is a rather emotional topic for me personally.

Something sort of in the same ballpark has been done I think - Google the Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax family. I think I've seen aristocratic examples where there actually were two spellings of the same surname in a triple or quadruple barrelled name, but can't remember exactly what they were. But unless you're an Earl or a P G Wodehouse character it's probably a tricky one to pull off.

Just ask him to change his spelling to yours.

It isn’t a big deal to ask, and it won’t be controversial as you have indicated that he would gladly change.