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Original poster

Help! Ex husband demanding access to kids

30 replies

UniqueRobin · 16/04/2025 07:54

This is my first time using Mumsnet!!

For quick context, my ex husband was put away for committing a crime against one of our children. I filed for divorce and had to move closer to my family for support, since then I have been solely caring for my kids and have had no contact with him. I have told him that if he wanted access to the children he would need to go down the correct channels and it would be supervised due to the nature of his crime. I have heard nothing for a year and a half then out of the blue I had a call which I hung up on followed by a message through a friend stating that he will have full access as of the 5th May and he wants to see his kids. Further to that he said there is no “correct channels” that it would need to be sorted between us!? This scared me so much as unfortunately he was extremely narcissistic during our 15 year marriage and mentally abusive! I’ve only just built up our lives from scratch and I’m afraid this is going to affect my kids negatively.
He currently does not pay any maintenance and hasn’t done at all!

please help me I don’t know what direction to go!!

OP posts:
Panfish · 16/04/2025 07:55

Presumably extensive SW involvement?
Refer to them

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 16/04/2025 07:56

Nope. Just say no. If he wants access he can do it through the courts.

Stand strong here.

Toddlerteaplease · 16/04/2025 07:56

Refer to social care, as a PP had said.

Ellmau · 16/04/2025 07:56

Also, do you have any kind of contact details for his probation officer?

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 16/04/2025 07:56

The maintenance is a red herring - kids are not pay per view and it’s irrelevant whether he’s paid or not for the purposes of contact:

the thing that is relevant is the crime. I’m assuming social services were involved at the time. What did they say about contact? Have you still got a named social worker you can contact for advice?

Sirzy · 16/04/2025 07:57

I would stay strong and say no. Let him go through the courts.

how old are the children? Do they even want contact with him?

Panfish · 16/04/2025 07:57

Maintenance is the very last think you should concern yourself about

DenholmElliot11 · 16/04/2025 07:57

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 16/04/2025 07:56

Nope. Just say no. If he wants access he can do it through the courts.

Stand strong here.

This

ReplacementBusService · 16/04/2025 07:58

He is talking horseshit

Zephree · 16/04/2025 08:01

You need to contact social services so they can do a risk assessment and arrange supervision of this contact if necessary. This is assuming he's on the birth certificate or you were married at the time of having the children and he has parental responsibility for them.

Sassybooklover · 16/04/2025 08:01

You need to seek urgent egal advice. The proper channels that he dismisses would be for him to apply to Court for access. He's trying to frighten you into agreeing, so he doesn't need to go to Court. Your absolute priority is your children's welfare, and that means protecting them. As he's ended up in prison for a crime against one of the children, it's unlikely he'd be given unsupervised access. How old are the children? Are they old enough to state what they would like? Don't take his word for anything, seek legal advice urgently. Communicate exclusively through a parenting app with him too.

Lazydomestic · 16/04/2025 08:02

Social Services & Police
If he is still in prison this could scupper any plans for an early release, if he is out his probation officer can explain to him the consequences of his actions

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 16/04/2025 08:02

Just to add. Don't let him scare you. Remember that he is on the backfoot here and he will use his old scare tactics on you.

You need to be clear in your mind that you are 100% correct in keeping your children safe. No matter what he or the flying monkeys say.

Be confident in your decisions and be strong. Your kids need you.

Hekett · 16/04/2025 08:04

My gut feeling would be to contact the police for advice, and SS, as presumably they would have had some involvement previously?

How long has he been in prison? How old are the children?

LurkyMcLurkinson · 16/04/2025 08:11

He is only saying it must be sorted between you because he likely thinks you can be manipulated in to doing what he wants and because he knows there are in fact correct channels which will likely find it isn’t safe for your children to have unsupervised contact with him. You must continue to deny him access and say if he wants it he must take the matter to court (which he will have to pay for) so assessments in to the safety of contact can be completed. It would also be helpful to call your local mash team and ask for advice and guidance, as even though they will likely just say he must go through the court system, there’s then a record of you seeking advice to keep your kids safe which reflects well on you. I’d also let the kids educational settings know he’s been in touch and they need to be mindful he’s not to collect.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 16/04/2025 08:15

How old are your children? They are allowed a say if older.

MissAndrey · 16/04/2025 08:18

At this point I'd just ignore it all. Hopefully he's just doing the Sad Dad routine and will find something else to do when the attention he receives for this particular performance dwindles. Replying just drags it out and gives him opportunity to escalate things for the power play.

Really, I wouldn't respond until anything official comes your way, and I very much doubt it will.

I'm in a similar-ish position and I just ignore the periodic messages and threats. It never goes further because they aren't genuinely interested in seeing their kids, they just want to scare you, get a reaction or elicit sympathy from someone else.

5en5uou5 · 16/04/2025 08:22

This sounds so stressful OP - sorry you’re going through this. Miss Andrew makes a good point re. the Sad Dad routine - he may just be doing this to put the frighteners on you. However, when it comes to children, I know how important it is to get peace of mind from staying a step ahead. Did/do you have a Social Worker still assigned? They would be my first port of call, followed by police if needed. Best of luck.

Dreamerinme · 16/04/2025 08:22

To echo others you need proper legal advice through a solicitor and contact the police and SW immediately. Presumably if he was jailed for a crime against a child then he can’t just swan back in and start seeing all of them again? Surely a risk assessment needs to be done by SW and police etc before he can have access to his own DC.

Also, if he is actually already out of prison then consider contacting the DC’s schools to advise of the situation and they are not to be released to him.

Ignore all future communications from his friends and family but take screenshots straight away before they may delete them.

Cerialkiller · 16/04/2025 08:25

If he's a narcissist as you say, I would mostly be concerned about his taking the children from school or nursery/from the park and disappearing with them.

Does he know where you are? I would work to lock down security. Ring doorbell, inform school, inform police and ss. If you don't have any documentation confirming the kids live with you only then I would seek to get that so ex can't legally take them from school (schools can't stop him without court order I believe). Make sure the school have this info.

In most situations I would suggest chasing cm payments but he sounds dangerous and like it would likely rule him up even more so understandable not to.

thepariscrimefiles · 16/04/2025 08:27

You say no to contact and he will need to take you to court to get access. If he is harrassing you, contact the police.

This is just more abuse from him. This isn't a loving father wanting to see his children. This is his way of punishing you for reporting his crime against one of your children.

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 16/04/2025 08:31

You need to get a prohibited steps order so he can’t remove the kids from school etc. second contacting police and social services. Doubt he would get through the section 7!

Bigfatsunandclouds · 16/04/2025 08:34

Ignore him and say no - he needs to go through the courts of he wants to see the children. Do not let him scare you into submission, you need to continue to protect your children like you have been.

I disagree with pp about maintenance not being important - he needs to pay for his children if he's out of prison so put a claim in ASAP. He does not get to abdicate his responsibilities.

Bigfatsunandclouds · 16/04/2025 08:36

Does he kno where you are? If so I agree with prohibitive steps until he goes through court and speak to the school/nursery.

Walkerzoo · 16/04/2025 08:38

Police won't care. Sure the prisons released paedos early.
Find out what his SHPO states or if there is licence conditions.
Speak to social services.
Follow Dr Charlotte Proudman as she is a high profile barrister who advocates on these sort of crimes
Look at Lucy Faithful forum and website. Br prepared. The forum has women who fight to live with convicted paedos with their children.... So you might get slated on that group. I follow that due to my research and it is disgusting to read the comments.

Get legal advice ASAP. Family courts are horrific. He could get supervised contact centre so you need to be prepared. Always remain child focused in this

We wouldn't expect a victim to meet with the perpetrators so fight this.

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