Help! Ex husband demanding access to kids

[UniqueRobin]

This is my first time using Mumsnet!!

For quick context, my ex husband was put away for committing a crime against one of our children. I filed for divorce and had to move closer to my family for support, since then I have been solely caring for my kids and have had no contact with him. I have told him that if he wanted access to the children he would need to go down the correct channels and it would be supervised due to the nature of his crime. I have heard nothing for a year and a half then out of the blue I had a call which I hung up on followed by a message through a friend stating that he will have full access as of the 5th May and he wants to see his kids. Further to that he said there is no “correct channels” that it would need to be sorted between us!? This scared me so much as unfortunately he was extremely narcissistic during our 15 year marriage and mentally abusive! I’ve only just built up our lives from scratch and I’m afraid this is going to affect my kids negatively.
He currently does not pay any maintenance and hasn’t done at all!

please help me I don’t know what direction to go!!

Does he know where you are physically?

He can't just decide.

I would inform the police and ask their advice first.

Get a solicitor and get a non molestation order if this is him just getting out of prison.

Make sure schools, clubs etc know the situation and that he may turn up.

Make sure you have a ring doorbell.

I would change your number as well and also put all of the emergency contact measures in your phone, and the kids phones if they are the age for those.

Don't agree to anything, wait until he makes an application to the court and go through that process.

If I'm totally honest I would think about moving and changing last names as well and making it damned hard to track you down.

From experience I don't think SS would be much help, but if you have a SW due to the situation then you can definitely tell them.

Heard from who exactly? Him? There are proper channels and he's clearly not going through them. He's clearly enlisting friends to help him but you need to be firm otherwise you could find yourself losing the children for not protecting them.

I'm going through similar and the first time I heard of access was through the courts - he'd applied for a childcare arrangements order. The courts immediately refer to CAFCASS to check everything out. In my case, CAFCASS recommended a prohibited steps to be put in place to stop him taking the children from my care. At no stage have I had to see or speak to him and this has rolled on for months.

He's trying to bully you, he can't just decide that he's going to get access at a specific date.

He was jailed for a crime against one of your children, which must have been horrendous for you. There are correct channels to go through to ensure your children are safe - as others have said social services, police and the probation service can all provide support, and your children's safety will be their priority.

If it comes to a judge making a ruling, so be it, you can show that you've co-operated.

He can demand what he likes. I wouldn't all him contact at all. He needs to go through the court.

I would cut off the go between. They don't need to get in the middle and pass on his messages.

I'd tell the school, clubs any where else he could try to collect the kids from.

I'd get security cameras around your house.

I set up emergency sos features on your phone.

I'd talk to a solicitor, SS and the police. I wonder if you'll be able to get legal aid due to ex being convicted of a crime against child.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be incredibly scary.