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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stop 13 yr old from seeing friends?

48 replies

Fleckle · 16/04/2025 06:45

My DD’s friends have started drinking and a lot of them vape. They are 13/14. My DD has tried vaping because she felt peer pressured. We have talked about it and she promises she hasn’t done it since.

AIBU to stop her seeing them? They are meeting today and I’m sure there will be alcohol. These are friends she’s had for a while.

We talked about her hanging around with them and the peer pressure. He position was that these have been her friends for years and just because they vape/drink, doesn’t mean she will.

AIBU to stop her hanging out with them? She’s fairly sensible but I don’t trust her not to get swayed as she’s so worried about fitting in. I also worry about being too strict and then she pulls away and stops talking to me about this kind of stuff. I’m at a loss what to do for the best.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 16/04/2025 06:47

Can you talk to their parents without outing them or her? As in a how are they getting on kind of chat, worried about their ages etc etc or could your house become the hub so you have more control?
edited to ad it depends on what you think of them really, if you think they’re not great people then it’s probably better to get them away, but my friends tried drink etc in school but were still lovely and sensible too

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 16/04/2025 06:49

I would let her see them today- suggest you pick her up at home time but give her the opportunity today to show you trust her. If there is evidence of her drinking/vaping when you pick her up then you take appropriate actions grounding etc, unfortunately it’s common in teens - doesn’t make it right, during my teens around 13/14 our weekends were spent organising who was getting vodka and some smoked

Original poster
Fleckle · 16/04/2025 06:59

‘if you think they’re not great people then it’s probably better to get them away’

They haven’t been great to her to be honest and I’m trying to see the bigger picture. She’s been excluded by this group recently and that upset her. My worry is that in her need to fit in, she’ll feel the pressure to join in.

OP posts:
Livingbytheocean · 16/04/2025 07:00

I would stop her yes, from experience it’s a slippery slope in to experimenting with drugs and exposure to men that use younger girls for sex. Shop lifting and other anti social issues.

Your child needs to be kept safe, she needs boundaries. Draw up a plan for the holidays that will keep her busy. Start a new hobby or sport. Invite some school friends over (not them) or go to the cinema etc. she is much too young for all of this op.

She can say she is ill, to save face, and then pull back and away from the crowd. She might not be drinking, but she will get dragged into all of the difficulties that come with under age drinking.

I would want better for my children. There will be a part of her that will be relieved.

If you know the parents and can trust them, a discreet word wouldn’t be a terrible idea. Otherwise just focus on reorientating your dd away. You might find one or two of her friends will also pull away when they notice dd is no longer around.

Livingbytheocean · 16/04/2025 07:05

As you have just said they are using the tactic of exclusion to ensure she falls into line already (and joins in with the drinking etc will be a natural extension of that) you are at a cross roads now and depending on your choice will be the direction of travel for the next 4/5 years, and all that comes with it.

Does she have other friends?

Original poster
Fleckle · 16/04/2025 07:07

‘She might not be drinking, but she will get dragged into all of the difficulties that come with under age drinking.’

This is what worries me too. There was one situation where the crowd was up to no good and she left because she didn’t want to get into trouble. I was proud of her for doing that but don’t want her to be in that position again. There seem to be some new people in this friend group and things have got worse since.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fleckle · 16/04/2025 07:10

She does have other friends but is drawn to this other group. I honestly can’t see why because they haven’t been great friends to her.

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 16/04/2025 07:15

@Fleckle she needs to try and find a new set of decent friends. they sound the wrong sort for her to be hanging around with.

Livingbytheocean · 16/04/2025 07:20

Your dd has other friends that is brilliant news, now is the time to highlight to her the importance of good friendship and safety (and why this crowd haven’t been good friends to her)

I would show dd the most likely outcome of those kids going off the rails now, the drug addicts with no teeth. The danger of predatory men. Prison and where it can all lead. Use this experience to educate her on the realities. She might think it is fun and cool, but it is actually very risky and dangerous.

Some of these kids will be using alcohol and drugs soon enough, usually as coping mechanisms, they come from difficult homes with parents that are too busy or checked out to be there for them.

You are the parent here op. It’s time to guide your child away from this, and don’t be afraid to discuss the gritty underbelly of life, knowledge is power and good choices can be made when we know the facts.

Love her enough to really help her move away from this set up, and support the friendships with children that are not part of this dynamic. It will be best decision you have ever made for her.

DD is telling you for a reason, and that is because a big part of her knows it is bad news, and she is looking for your help.

Tbrh · 16/04/2025 07:26

This is so hard, I'd do whatever I can to get her to make new friends. I genuinely believe the friends you have are a huge influence on your life and the path you take (speaking from experience). Hopefully people will come along with more practical advice.

Livingbytheocean · 16/04/2025 07:33

Practical advice is ( I have 4 teens)

Keep them busy with hobbies and sports and use their time productively.

Encourage friendships and sleepovers with children that are not involved with the crowd

Give her strategies and things to say to them as to why she is no longer available to hang out with them. So she manages her way out easily. She can blame you and say she is grounded for instance.

Plan the holidays so she is not left alone or by herself for long periods.

Ask family and friends to get involved and organise to see them more often, it can be grounding.

Identify with dd what makes a good friend, what qualities do they need to have, and list them. Then look through her options to pick out the friends she will spend more time with.

Be so glad she is confiding in you, tell her you will never judge her and will always be on her team. Keep her confidence and talk through decisions, but she gets the casting vote as often as possible (but not always if it’s unsafe)

Be unafraid of saying the truth. It’s likely that this crowd will end up in big trouble with the police, their school and other agencies. Does she really want her future ruined?

ladykale · 16/04/2025 07:37

You are her excuse as to why she can’t hang out with them - absolutely don’t let her go. Sounds like they are not suitable long term friends anyway

FrenchandSaunders · 16/04/2025 07:39

This is very young for this sort of behavior. I’d be doing my best to keep her away from them.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 16/04/2025 07:41

stayathomer · 16/04/2025 06:47

Can you talk to their parents without outing them or her? As in a how are they getting on kind of chat, worried about their ages etc etc or could your house become the hub so you have more control?
edited to ad it depends on what you think of them really, if you think they’re not great people then it’s probably better to get them away, but my friends tried drink etc in school but were still lovely and sensible too

Edited

The OP would need to interrogate her dd to determine which of the group actually undertake these behaviours in order to speak to other parents. They would have to be outed.
Or should the OP put up a general warning on fb/social media?
OP, I can almost guarantee that if you ban her from seeing them, she will just stop telling you who she is going out with, and still remain with them.
She sounds sensible. Give her the benefit of the doubt, but be there for her to chat,etc

Original poster
Fleckle · 16/04/2025 07:41

Thank you all. I feel like I’m on a fine balance of being too strict (she always tells me I am compared to her friends) and helping her make the right choices while keeping up the open communication. I don’t want her to close up to me.

i need to help her come to the conclusion that she has other friends to hang out with. I don’t know what’s so appealing about hanging out with this group. I can see the problems this group is going to have even if she can’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fleckle · 16/04/2025 07:45

‘Can you talk to their parents without outing them or her?’

She’s so protective of her friends. I know one at least drinks (have proof) but my DD swears blind she doesn’t. I think this is partly to protect her friend and also so I don’t stop her from seeing her.

OP posts:
Ddakji · 16/04/2025 07:47

You stop her, of course.

I find it mad how some parents witter on about trusting a child, and yet how many adults say “I’ll just have one” and 3 hours later they’re bladdered - but a child can resist peer pressure more???

I wouldn’t care about being the strict parent, and I would point out to her that it’s a good excuse - blame your mean old mum for being a killjoy.

Encourage her other friendships instead.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 16/04/2025 07:50

Livingbytheocean · 16/04/2025 07:33

Practical advice is ( I have 4 teens)

Keep them busy with hobbies and sports and use their time productively.

Encourage friendships and sleepovers with children that are not involved with the crowd

Give her strategies and things to say to them as to why she is no longer available to hang out with them. So she manages her way out easily. She can blame you and say she is grounded for instance.

Plan the holidays so she is not left alone or by herself for long periods.

Ask family and friends to get involved and organise to see them more often, it can be grounding.

Identify with dd what makes a good friend, what qualities do they need to have, and list them. Then look through her options to pick out the friends she will spend more time with.

Be so glad she is confiding in you, tell her you will never judge her and will always be on her team. Keep her confidence and talk through decisions, but she gets the casting vote as often as possible (but not always if it’s unsafe)

Be unafraid of saying the truth. It’s likely that this crowd will end up in big trouble with the police, their school and other agencies. Does she really want her future ruined?

Fantastic advice

Livingbytheocean · 16/04/2025 07:50

Fleckle · 16/04/2025 07:41

Thank you all. I feel like I’m on a fine balance of being too strict (she always tells me I am compared to her friends) and helping her make the right choices while keeping up the open communication. I don’t want her to close up to me.

i need to help her come to the conclusion that she has other friends to hang out with. I don’t know what’s so appealing about hanging out with this group. I can see the problems this group is going to have even if she can’t.

All teens say their parents are strict (and maybe you are, as some families have no rules whatsoever and the children are allowed to do anything they choose) It’s otherwise known as neglectful parents.

You could ask her what she doesn’t like about the group. Explore the incidents when they were not good friends?

Ask her what her hopes and ambitions are for the future, does she think she will be able to do those things if she is caught up in something serious with the group, even if she did nothing wrong?

What friends are good to her? Which ones have chosen to avoid the group and what are their reasons?

Be open to discussing what is exciting or interesting about the group? Is she bored? Is there a need to become more independent. Maybe that can be explored with a trip to London or a big city like Edinburgh with a friend? Let her grow but in a way that is healthy and away from toxic people.

Livingbytheocean · 16/04/2025 07:53

Good luck op! It’s definitely not easy steering teens away from a minefield of issues. It sounds like you are doing a great job, be more confident in your own judgement.

stayathomer · 16/04/2025 07:53

TheCountofMountingCrispBags

The OP would need to interrogate her dd to determine which of the group actually undertake these behaviours in order to speak to other parents. They would have to be outed.
Or should the OP put up a general warning on fb/social media?

No need to be like that- I know a few of my son’s friends parents, if op there’s ways to talk to people that might have them go talk to their teen without outing anyone, if someone came to me talking about how vaping drinking etc was going on and they we’re worried about teens/ their teens that’s going to send me to mine

tedcherries · 16/04/2025 07:56

I’d also be speaking to the school. Do the parents know their kids are doing this? If it were my child, and other parents knew but didn’t make me aware somehow I’d be annoyed.

Original poster
Fleckle · 16/04/2025 08:01

tedcherries · 16/04/2025 07:56

I’d also be speaking to the school. Do the parents know their kids are doing this? If it were my child, and other parents knew but didn’t make me aware somehow I’d be annoyed.

Yes, I’ll also be speaking to school. Part of the challenge is that I don’t know some of the parents (large group). Which is also part of the problem - not knowing who she’s with and what they are all like.

I know her closest friends but the parents just seem a bit distanced from it all and a bit more liberal to be honest. It makes me seem even stricter!

OP posts:
EnjoythemoneyJane · 16/04/2025 08:07

I also agree you should use the ‘blame me’ card to stop her hanging out with them. It was one I pulled a fair bit when my kids were young teens.

As @Livingbytheocean said, she knows on some level that they’re mean girls and not good friends (quite apart from the boozing and vaping) and she’s looking for your help to deal with the situation. It’s often a relief to kids at this age to have certain options taken away so they don’t have to take direct responsibility for awkward social negotiations with their peers.

It sounds like she needs some help redirecting away from this lot and into healthier friendships, and you need to help her weather any blowback from that.

I feel for you and your DD - I went through torrid times with both mine at this age, when certain groups seem to accelerate away into adulthood and more risky behaviour, and there’s a reshuffling of friendships and often quite toxic fallout from that. It can be worrying and upsetting, but it will all settle down again.

tedcherries · 16/04/2025 08:07

I would be the same. I would maybe just let the school know when she is back, they might just send out a generic email to parents perhaps. I probably am a lot stricter with my son, but I want to keep him safe.

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