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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shaking with rage, can't sleep, NHS treatment of elderly

502 replies

Krupkrups · 16/04/2025 00:09

My Grandma (89) has finally come out of hospital tonight finally after nearly nearly 5 weeks.

There's been nothing wrong she had a fall nothing broken, nothing but they wouldn't let her go home my uncle has lived with her for past 8 months since his divorce and she had a career who comes on a lunchtime. They said because she didn't have anyone at home which is bullshit, then social services got involved who were a shower of shite, then the hospital 'forgot' to discharge her twice despite my parents, uncle and care team being at home twice waiting.

Before going into hospital she could;

Get herself and dressed nicely

Get Downstairs / upstairs

Get herself to toilet and wipe herself - no incontinence pants

Make herself food and drinks (hot drinks, kettle on etc.)

Do crosswords

Move around the house with, slowly and with the help of a stick and frame but she did

Her memory was clearly going and she has slowed down cognitively in conversations but she knew we all were still enjoyed face times from my children, still read the paper.

She's come out and frankly it's like she's come out of a Victorian asylum, I am heartbroken, she looks deranged when she's awake sunken eyes strange rolling eyes, has lost an absolute load of weight - she was always very slender possibly too slender before now she looks like a famine survivor.

She is incoherent most of the time when awake.

Can't get out of bed / apparently is imobile - well yes she is now

Can't feed herself isn't eating when being fed

Is wearing adult nappies which have to be changed and the carers are changing and wiping her mess

Is covered in bed sores

I am weeping and raging I feel like driving to the hospital and punching the nurses in that ward in the face!!!! What have they done to her.

OP posts:
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Assssofspades · 16/04/2025 00:43

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Pemba · 16/04/2025 00:48

How awful, no wonder you are upset seeing your grandma like that. But could it be a natural deteriation rather than NHS neglect?

Ohthatsabitshit · 16/04/2025 00:48

I’d call her GP and report the bedsores and ask him to do a home visit and help you. Anyone would feel ghastly faced with a loved one being treated like that.

PermanentTemporary · 16/04/2025 00:48

It sounds as if she developed delirium in hospital and because of that needed carers at home. It's really common in hospital and though poor care makes it more likely it can happen anyway, especially if someone us getting very frail which I'm afraid she clearly is. I'm glad she is at home again and hope things improve.

Maybe consider her talking to her GP about avoiding hospital admission where possible in the future?

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 16/04/2025 00:59

Ohthatsabitshit · 16/04/2025 00:48

I’d call her GP and report the bedsores and ask him to do a home visit and help you. Anyone would feel ghastly faced with a loved one being treated like that.

Yes, do get her GP onto this. Sometimes just going into hospital can badly disorientate elderly people. How upsetting for her and you.

OldCottageGreenhouse · 16/04/2025 01:01

I have think you need to educate yourself on geriatric healthcare and gather all the facts before saying a word to any HCP let alone considering violence though I realise you only meant you ‘felt like’ doing it.

Just calm down. This honestly may not be neglect but deterioration as a direct result of ill health. I really hate to say this (but I feel I have to) quite often their digestive systems shut down in the weeks/days before end of life…. 🙏🤍

WearyAuldWumman · 16/04/2025 01:02

Yes, older people can develop delirium in hospital, but there's no way that they should develop multiple bed sores if they're being properly cared for.

Winter2020 · 16/04/2025 01:03

Your post sounds like the change in your Grandma when she came home was a surprise - weren't you or other members of the family visiting the hospital regularly and so already up to date about her condition?

The hospital were aware of your Grandma's needs so needed to be convinced that there was someone at home able to care for her with these new increased needs.

LadyWiddiothethird · 16/04/2025 01:09

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Safxxx · 16/04/2025 01:15

Did any of you visit her daily whilst she was in hospital? If you did you would know what's caused the deterioration in her health. When my parents are in hospital we as a family take turns and are there all visiting hours and beyond, if they don't like any particular food we take it from home, we provide them with drinks,fruits and snacks, we phone the ward in the night to check if they're ok, any complaints we deal with them. Honestly I have seen patients being neglected, and wouldn't wish it on anyone. When were with them I would always attend another patient nearby if they needed anything as the nurses wouldn't or if asked to they would say oh they got a habit of calling just ignore them....but I don't ignore I listnen & help if needed.

BreadInCaptivity · 16/04/2025 01:18

How often have you visited her in hospital in the last 5 weeks?

In the very elderly, decline can be very rapid (ref: HMQ who was meeting the PM just days before her death).

All that said the bedsores are definitely an issue of concern and you need to raise this.

HeddaGarbled · 16/04/2025 01:21

Are you sure about the ‘covered in bed sores’ thing? These are taken very seriously, in my experience. When my mum developed one (just one) in her care home, the care home were obliged to notify Social Services safeguarding team who sent a social worker in to check she was being cared for adequately.

Also district nurses came in every few days to dress the sore and she was provided with an air mattress and padded boot (it was on her heel).

If she really does have bed sores, you need to get onto all that, as these can deteriorate in a very distressing way.

Avatartar · 16/04/2025 01:22

Don’t turn this on the OP and pile in, she’s upset about her grandmother, wind it in a bit

BruFord · 16/04/2025 01:28

Could she have a UTI, OP? They can cause confusion, delirium, incontinence, etc. if she had a catheter in hospital, that would increase the risk of her developing one.

Call her GP. If she can give a urine sample, her GP can test it.

beetr00 · 16/04/2025 01:29

@Assssofspades @LadyWiddiothethird totally shocked by your responses.

@Krupkrups when an elderly relative is admitted, it sadly, does require their family to be vigilant.

They (the elderly) are most definitely forgotten and "abused" within the NHS system.

I can understand your outrage, the platitudes and excuses are unacceptable!!

LoveItaly · 16/04/2025 01:37

Avatartar · 16/04/2025 01:22

Don’t turn this on the OP and pile in, she’s upset about her grandmother, wind it in a bit

Agree, there are some awful responses on here. I have witnessed my own mother deteriorate quickly during a long stint in hospital, and the care one receives from the NHS can vary wildly.

I hope that the OP’s Grandmother improves now that she is home and in a familiar environment. However, in my experience, each hospital stay at that advanced age does result in drop in mental capacity and physical ability from which they don’t recover fully.

Toddlerteaplease · 16/04/2025 02:03

My friends mum is 90 and had a fall. She was completely independent before. But has also deteriorated massively while in hospital, despite getting very good care on the ward. And her family being there constantly. As a PP said, pressure sores are taken extremely seriously by hospitals. They could also have been moisture lesions rather than pressure sores. Are you sure she didn’t have any before going in?

Firefly1987 · 16/04/2025 02:09

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. We had similar experiences with my dad and nana-who both refused to ever go into hospital again. Which left us in the position of having to look after them at home which we were not prepared for. My dad also developed a pressure sore in hospital (I never wanted to see it and thankfully it was covered but from what I know it was a bad one) I was raging too. It was a while ago where you didn't dare criticise the NHS so we felt there was no point complaining. As you can see from some of the replies that's still the case. I'm not sure how they'd feel if it was one of their vulnerable family members! I hope you can at least find out some answers over why your grandmother has taken such a bad turn. Poor lady!

ElaineBurdock · 16/04/2025 02:15

I don't blame you for being angry. I have lived in another country my entire adult life, but my parents lived in England. My elderly dad was kept in the hospital for a few month when he needed a blood transfusion and meds, even though he recovered after a few days, they kept him there for many weeks after and I don't know why.

My dad developed delirium while in hospital, which seems common for the elderly after they have been independent all their lives and then they find themselves institutionalized for many weeks/months against their will. He was going down hill so very fast, both mentally and physically.

There was a lot of discussion about never letting him go home again, which shocked me. It was like he broke the law and was being imprisoned/punished for it. My mother, who was finishing up treatment for breast cancer, was desperate to have him home. They'd been together over 60 years and needed each other. I couldn't travel because of my own health problems, so it was the most frustrating time of my life.

My dad had Parkinson's, but was still doing okay. A few months before he'd fallen in the garden, in between a fence and a rock wall and my mum couldn't help him up because he was stuck. Mum told me a guy with the ambulance crew, who was talking to someone on his phone at the time, asked her if they had more than 24,000 pounds in the bank. WTH? She was indignant and said of course they did!

I don't understand why the NHS did this. Isn't there a bed shortage there?

Ponderingwindow · 16/04/2025 02:33

No one should be attacking the OP. There is a wealth of research on hospital delirium.

treating patients like they aren’t real people with the need for privacy, dignity, uninterrupted sleep, and mental stimulation has real, negative impacts on patient health. Hospitals can do better, but it is inconvenient and some
adjustments come with financial costs.

doodahdayy · 16/04/2025 02:37

Ponderingwindow · 16/04/2025 02:33

No one should be attacking the OP. There is a wealth of research on hospital delirium.

treating patients like they aren’t real people with the need for privacy, dignity, uninterrupted sleep, and mental stimulation has real, negative impacts on patient health. Hospitals can do better, but it is inconvenient and some
adjustments come with financial costs.

The a holes usually pile in on Aibu. I find it hard enough in hospital as a younger healthier person. No wonder if severely weakens or kills the elderly. You’d be treated better and with more dignity in prison.

mjf981 · 16/04/2025 02:43

Punch nurses in the face?
Cop on to yourself OP. I get you're upset but get a grip and focus on helping your grandmother.

doodahdayy · 16/04/2025 02:45

mjf981 · 16/04/2025 02:43

Punch nurses in the face?
Cop on to yourself OP. I get you're upset but get a grip and focus on helping your grandmother.

She’s emotional and venting.

beetr00 · 16/04/2025 02:50

mjf981 · 16/04/2025 02:43

Punch nurses in the face?
Cop on to yourself OP. I get you're upset but get a grip and focus on helping your grandmother.

"Cop on to yourself OP" you're Irish? and have zero experience with the NHS?

eta; not advocating physical violence obviously, the frustration though!!

Cognacsoft · 16/04/2025 02:56

Sorry @Krupkrups , that’s shocking treatment.

My df is 93 and has fallen twice.
Both times the frailty ward have got him back home within 48 hours with carers going in. They totally understand the need to get the elderly back home as quickly as possible.
The first time df was very bruised with fractured ribs and in a lot of pain so they had a carer all night for a few nights.
This really should be the model across the UK.