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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband looking on sisters 18+ website.

27 replies

Mumoftwo95 · 15/04/2025 13:52

Hi guys, I posted a while ago about my husband looking at my mentally ill sisters patreon (posting 18+ content.)

I've been unable to leave as I'm not financially stable, I've now gotten a job for 25hrs a week, but that obviously isn't enough to support myself and my two children on my own. (2 and 3yo- almost 3+4.).

He has been trying to drill it into me that he was only going on there to look at her subscriber count, I know that he's a nosy fucker but I cannot believe or trust him. It has now been 9 months since I found this out and it still hurts just as much as the day I found out.

Our tenancy is up in July and his parents want to put a deposit down on a house for us, I feel like I'm stuck and as though I just have to go along with it. I'm worried that If I don't, he would then go through with it on his own and I'd be at risk of him having full custody as I would be homeless.. could this happen?

I'm 29 years old and feel stuck. I can't be intimate with him because everything above just starts running through my head, I don't want to stick around and wait it out for however many years and regret wasting my 30s in a dead relationship. I also know that the longer it takes to split, the harder it would be on the kids.

What would you do?! Would you try to work through it? Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way?

OP posts:
loropianalover · 15/04/2025 13:54

Can you link your old thread? Was he subscribed to her Patreon or did he just click into the landing page?

I would definitely not enter into a mortgage with him. Could you stay with your parents for a while?

takealettermsjones · 15/04/2025 13:57

If you just don't trust him, you've got huge problems whether he did actually look or not. I wouldn't buy a house with him in those circumstances. If you want to split, get your name down for housing and start getting your ducks in a row. If not, could you try relationship counselling?

Seachanger · 15/04/2025 13:57

Oh I remember your previous thread OP.
It was actually very disturbing.
I'm actually surprised you are still with him.
I think you should get legal advice as to your position if you seperate because really you should get away from him.

Ineedthesun80 · 15/04/2025 14:01

Get the money off your parents to rent a place,you will get uc top up.

Original poster
Mumoftwo95 · 15/04/2025 14:01

@loropianalover I've no idea how to link it?

He wasn't subscribed, I checked his bank accounts. He is now very protective of his phone though.

My mum is due to go in for major surgery (on par with major heart surgery). So it wouldn't be right adding the extra stress of having two little maniacs running around while she's recovering.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumoftwo95 · 15/04/2025 14:05

@takealettermsjones I'm already on the housing list but he is included in it with me, I've looked at the price of marriage counselling and it just seems ridiculous spending so much money on something I very highly doubt could be fixed?

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 15/04/2025 14:07

I’d rather live in a box than stay with a creep like this.

You are never stuck, life will just be harder.

Get an appointment at your local council and citizens advice centres. Ask all the questions you need about how you would be able to live alone, what benefits you’re entitled to and get the hell out of there.

Don’t stay just because you could be given deposit money for a house from your in laws. Also he wouldn’t be given full custody of your children just because he has a house.

Original poster
Mumoftwo95 · 15/04/2025 14:09

@Seachanger I would like to say I would've left after it happened but I'm honestly not sure that I would have. It took so long to get my head around it all and I've been with him for over a quarter of my life. It's absolutely petrifying to be honest with you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumoftwo95 · 15/04/2025 14:10

@Ineedthesun80 I wouldn't think of even taking a penny off my parents, I'm actually selling alot of their old clothes ect.. to help to raise some money before my mum goes in for a major op

OP posts:
myplace · 15/04/2025 14:13

Speak to the council about needing to be housed on your own- with your dc obviously.

Original poster
Mumoftwo95 · 15/04/2025 14:15

@DaisyChain505 would you take into consideration that there might be a tiny chance that he was just looking at the subscriber count? I've felt like an absolute asshole for considering ending the marriage if that was the case but there's no way or truly knowing.

I will make an appointment the the CAB. And I wasn't considering staying for the money, I had discussed with him my concerns that I think it's over and that I wouldn't want to take their money, I have an amazing relationship with them and love them to pieces. He said that they would get the money back when we sell. I've never had a mortgage so I'm completely clueless.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumoftwo95 · 15/04/2025 14:16

@myplace would they not consider us adequately housed as there is still a roof over our heads?

OP posts:
Naunet · 15/04/2025 14:21

Of course he wasn't checking her subscriber count SEVERAL times. He's a dirty creep. I know leaving is scary, but it's better than having your self esteem slowly crushed by this pig, you'll end up hating yourself more than you hate him, and your kids don't need that. How are your savings going? Can you apply to the council for a house for yourself and your kids?

Inthetyreshop · 15/04/2025 14:24

You’re 29 please don’t waste your 30s on this man.
You’re young enough to pick yourself up

Original poster
Mumoftwo95 · 15/04/2025 14:27

@Naunet I know, I've had a glimmer of hope but there's no way of knowing and I can't just take his word on it.

I know 😔
I've got around 2k in savings but I know that's nowhere next to enough.

I'm already on the housing list but he is also on it with me.. Could I change that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumoftwo95 · 15/04/2025 14:32

@Inthetyreshop I know what you've said is true, I've said the exact same thing to him

The thought of leaving really scares me, I've been with him for over a quarter of my life, his parents help out so much with the kids so I can work. I absolutely love them to pieces and the thought of that all changing too scares me even more!

OP posts:
myplace · 15/04/2025 14:34

Mumoftwo95 · 15/04/2025 14:16

@myplace would they not consider us adequately housed as there is still a roof over our heads?

you’re only adequately housed staying with him.

Effectively you are about to be homeless because he is going to buy somewhere with his parents, and you don’t want to be trapped there with him, and you can’t afford a tenancy on your own. W

Original poster
Mumoftwo95 · 15/04/2025 14:37

@myplace thank you, I'll have a look into changing it.

As I said before, the tenancy is up in July so Maybe I could get the landlady to write notice about this?

OP posts:
Suszieq · 15/04/2025 14:39

DO NOT GET FURTHER STUCK WITH HIM BY GETTING A MORTGAGE.

if you won’t fight for yourself, fight for your kids and LEAVE.

You know he was creeping on your sister. He has betrayed you, you betray yourself and your kids by staying with such a vile man

Original poster
Mumoftwo95 · 15/04/2025 14:41

@Suszieq thank you, that bought a tear to my eye but I think these kind of responses are what I need.

I think he has downplayed it for so long that is has made me feel like I'd be genuinely awful for leaving him x

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/04/2025 14:47

Take his name off your housing list claim.

Assuming that you are in the UK and will receive top up benefits, you'd probably be okay financially.

Would you be eligible for emergency housing, not ideal, but a step.in the right direction.

Naunet · 15/04/2025 14:52

Mumoftwo95 · 15/04/2025 14:27

@Naunet I know, I've had a glimmer of hope but there's no way of knowing and I can't just take his word on it.

I know 😔
I've got around 2k in savings but I know that's nowhere next to enough.

I'm already on the housing list but he is also on it with me.. Could I change that?

I don't see why you couldn't change it, at least try, then you'll know if it's an option or not. Also it might be good to think a out exactly what you find scary about leaving him, is it finances,coping on your own, the heartbreak? Once you know, you can work to over come it.

Original poster
Mumoftwo95 · 15/04/2025 14:53

@EmeraldShamrock000 I'm going to take him off of the housing application, I am in the UK and will have a look on the benefits calculator.

I would most likely be eligible for emergency housing but the closest to me would be well over 30 miles. I don't want to lose my job and I don't want to put any more stress on the kids, they're so young and the eldest is due to move on up to primary school in September. Not only that but I feel emergency housing should be kept for people that urgently need it. I have a friend that went in to emergency housing and was stuck being moved about for 9 months, her daughter has behavioural problems and I think having to no stability massively contributed towards that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumoftwo95 · 15/04/2025 14:55

@Naunet thank you, I'll get on to that.

I think all of the above, it's just a scary situation isn't it? I have to just take the dive though, don't I.

OP posts: