Mother in law keeps touching my baby bump!

[Chocolateegg123]

Hi everyone

Just after some opinions to see if I was being unreasonable.

My mother in law and I get on fine but we definitely aren’t each others kind of person. We see each other a few times a year despite being local and it’s always pleasant enough. My husband isn’t particularly close to his mum either and sees her around once a month on average.

Since I’ve been pregnant she’s been a lot more interested in me which is nice enough.

Today, she came over and when I returned from coffee with a friend, I went to say hello and she went straight to touch my stomach without asking. She’s done this every time I’ve seen her but it is increasingly getting annoying just having someone touch my body without asking. So instead of letting her, my instant reaction was to back away from her and I held her hand and laughed awkwardly and made an excuse about needing the loo.

I feel bad and my husband seems a bit off now that I’ve told him but I think for me, I’d just reached the end of my tether. She’s never really been very lovey dovey towards me and this new physical affection is too much. Was I unreasonable?

TIA

“Please stop doing that”.

I'm sure OP knows the words to say, she's asking if she would be unreasonable to say them.

Get your husband to tell her to stop doing it.

Any issues with his family need to be dealt with through him. Once you make it his problem, he will deal with it.

Many weak men are content to have their wives and mothers at loggerheads while they do nothing except wring their hands and whine “ why can’t everyone just be nice? “ .

If your husband won’t deal with it, see less of his family. Then less and less until he deals with it.

Never see his family alone, only when he is there. Make him deal with phone call, requests for photos and what’s app groups . Arrangements for visits, gifts etc . Of course you do exactly the same for your family.

If you stick to this , it will solve about 95% of mother in law problems. Do not let any of his family try to come between you by going to you when they should go to him.

Start as you mean to go on, it’s only a tiny thing now but if his family won’t accept your boundaries, it will escalate big time once baby is born.

It makes OP feel really uncomfortable so her MIL shouldn't do it. It's not necessarily from a good place if she overrides her DIL's boundaries. It's not her body and it's not her baby. I don't think that it comes from a good place if she doesn't check that OP is OK with this. It smacks of her feeling that OP is a mere vessell for her grandchild so she doesn't need to ask permission.

No, she wants a relationship with the baby. It's rude

Yanbu, why does she think it's OK to come up to you and touch your stomach. It's personal invasion, plus seems she's just interested in your unborn baby rather than you. Surely if she's self aware she'd understand by your reaction that you don't like it. I'd kindly ask her to stop . You might find ( hopefully not) she's one of these very invasive grandmothers , you need to start telling her gently now things you don't like or won't accept. Decent people will understand and respect

I detested anyone trying to touch my pregnant belly. Including my baby’s father

@Chocolateegg123 I would go ballistic is anyone did that to me apart from my dh!

@ParsnipPuree
"If a family member wanted to give me a hug, I wouldn’t expect them to ask permission first. What harm’s being done? It comes from a good place and that’s all that matters."

This is entirely different. The MIL hardly ever saw the DIL before she became pregnant. Now she's all over her wanting to feel her belly. She's not remotely interested in the DIL and only sees her as an incubator for her son's child. And anyway, in my world giving someone a hug and fondling their stomach are two very different things!

If a family member wants to give me a hug, that's normally prefaced by something akin to "come on give us a hug". Not just barge into personal space.

What harm is being done? The OP is uncomfortable, just because you wouldn't be, that makes no difference at all.

it comes from a good place - er no, you cannot decide that just because your intentions are good, that's how an action is received. That's not how it works.

You are not being unreasonable. Have you and your husband discussed how you feel? If he doesn't have your back on this it doesn't bode well for having his support if she tries to encroach on the baby when it's born.

The fact that she only wants to be more involved since you got pregnant suggests that she sees you as an incubator for her grandchild, the fact she always immediately touches your bump highlights it even more. She wants to feel close to the baby, not you, she feels like she can just touch your bump because its the baby, not you. She will probably continue to push boundaries after the baby is born too so its better to set them now.
I hate people touching my bump without asking, its a sensitive area and nobody would ever walk up and touch your stomach unless you were pregnant so its really unnecessary and creepy.
I would do as others suggest and tell her that your stomach is sensitive and it makes you uncomfortable to be touched there. If she persists or says you shouldn't feel uncomfortable then start touching her stomach back and I imagine she'll soon understand the issue.

Thank you so much everyone for your responses. It’s made me realise a few of the other things she’s done are also quite unreasonable! I’ve been biting my tongue but what one of the previous posters said about setting boundaries now really resonated. I just need to be more vocal. Even my own lovely mum has never touched the bump without checking it was ok with me.

A few other things my MIL has done which I find strange is:

• touched my bump in the past and then laughed and said oh sorry I should’ve asked but never proceeded to ask since then

• hell bent on wanting to wash my baby’s clothes. This is something I wanted to do myself (only things that were at the bottom of a trolley etc, not in packets) so to keep the peace I let her wash a few bits but she ended up hand washing them with fairy fabric softener and so I had to rewash them.

• has announced she would help with childcare and has left her uni course for this reason. Weird. I am pretty certain she’ll go back on her word as it will take her ages to get to us by public transport in time for 8am amongst some other reasons.

• I am Muslim and my husband reverted years ago so we will be giving our baby a Muslim name. She said to make sure we choose a name she can pronounce “haha”. At this I did just say she’d have to learn to pronounce it whatever we choose.

There are many other things but I’d be typing them out all day! Why are relationships with MILs so difficult? I just get so uneasy around her but don’t want to ever be disrespectful so end up just keeping quiet and not saying anything. I’m usually very outspoken and confident but really get anxious around her and her behaviours.

This nails it^^

I thought people knew better these days tbh. When I was pregnant 10+ years ago it was RIFE! I didn't actually mind women doing it, but when random men did 🤢.

You’re very right indeed. I initially took it as a chance for us to bond and grow closer but her attitude is not really that she is interested in me at all. It definitely is just about the baby - the comments about being an incubator are also very true. I never thought of it like that.

People suggesting I touch her stomach back really made me giggle but I might just do it!

Oh gosh! I don’t know what I’d do if a man tried to!

Honestly, she doesn't sound great, but I'd pick my battles and not sit listing all the ways she has wronged you in the past. You will get yourself worked up into hating her which is not a good idea.

But do tell her not to touch your bump. Just be direct with her and you'll probably resent her a lot less than if you sit seething about her behind her back (meant with kindness)

Yup! It was horrible. I was quite young and just sort of made my excuses and sidled away. I'd be a lot more direct if it happened to me now

And if they felt your breasts to ask about milk for the baby?

I have a MIL who only took an interest after I got pregnant so I know how it feels! Luckily we live very far away and my husband isn't close to her so the issues are limited.
I think its a last resort but I imagine it will be very effective! She knows its wrong to do it without asking because she's told you herself.
I would caution against getting into a childcare arrangement with her when you don't have a good relationship, even great family relationships can become strained by it.
Also that comment about the name is very pointed and I would not be happy with her implications. You obviously called her out on it but I imagine she might deliberately butcher the pronunciation and then insist on calling your child a nickname or 'my little darling' at all times instead.

It’s your body and up to you.

To offer another perspective, when a work colleague was pregnant she would grab my hand and hold it firmly down on her bump. I’ve always been squeamish and hated it (but didn’t say anything!)

The reason she’s now being lovey dovey towards you now is because you’re carrying precious cargo and therefore are interesting to her. Doesn’t matter that others have said they wouldn’t be bothered - you ARE bothered by it.

Step back, swipe her hand away or next time just said “MIL, I know you’re excited to be a grandmother but please stop touching my bump, I don’t like it.” If she gets miffed then she can be miffed - you’re the pregnant one and it’s your body.

You're not being unreasonable at all. She's seriously invading your personal space and privacy just because you are pregnant.

Not on at all, and I'd be telling her to bugger off the next time she tried it. She's objectifying you and simply viewing you as an incubator.

I was pregnant in a country my husband had moved to for work. I didn’t know anyone and had no family or friends around. No one touched my belly or mentioned anything about my pregnancy and it was sad to be honest. We think these things annoy us until we’re in a situation where no one’s interested

Tell her to stop. Simple.

A lot of problems people post about here would be solved if people simply opened their mouths and spoke up for themselves.