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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can’t decide if I’m reading too much into this…

38 replies

WorkRelatedName · 15/04/2025 09:23

High school friend, we’re best friends up until my wedding 5 years ago and she went weird on me, pulled out from my hen do due to uni work etc and didn’t end up being a bridesmaid. Friendship since then has dwindled to the occasional message staying we need to meet up etc but never happens.

she is getting married next month and I received an invite. She messaged me yesterday morning about something non wedding related, very brief message and she didn’t respond at the time, but late last night, I got a text saying “btw, it’s my hen do on xxx date. It’s (venue). It’s not a big thing so please don’t feel you have to come if it doesn’t suit, or it’s a bit far”

this really annoyed me.
1 - it being too far - it’s literally 10 minutes away from me.
2 - the thing she is doing for her hen do is something I do regularly and she knows this as things have been posted on social media which she has reacted to etc so the whole “if it doesn’t suit” comment really rubbed me up the wrong way.

the hen do is in 2 weeks time so I feel like an after thought. I don’t know why but that message has really bugged me. I haven’t yet responded so now not sure what to do.

AIBU to be feeling like this? Not sure if I can enable voting on app…

OP posts:
Neveranynamesleft · 15/04/2025 09:25

I wouldnt even bother responding.

Obvnotthegolden · 15/04/2025 09:25

Maybe she meant if the date didn't suit?

Don't go if you're feeling rubbed the wrong way by it.
Is she usually disorganised? It's not nice to feel like an afterthought.

BlondeMummyto1 · 15/04/2025 09:26

I think she’s just being cautious as you haven’t been close.

I think you should go.

Beyondburnout · 15/04/2025 09:27

Sounds like she's trying to include you. The tone of the text sounds apologetic. But I get it.

Yachtinggwoman · 15/04/2025 09:27

I wouldn’t read too much into that text as a stand alone. However on the back of the other information you’ve posted, perhaps you are wanting to step away from this dwindling friendship.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 15/04/2025 09:27
  1. She is feeling pressured to invite you probably due to appearing inclusive to wider friend group, but she doesn't like you and is quite clearly giving you both an "out".

Or

  1. She has anxiety (I do, and often message like this but I am trying to get better) and she is trying to extend an olive branch after a friendship rupture that may have been something going on in her life that had nothing to do with you.

Only you'll have good intuition of which it may be. But if it's the first then politely decline the invite and say you have prior plans.

Oops, obviously second point was supposed to be 2.

LadyQuackBeth · 15/04/2025 09:30

She's just trying to be super polite because she didn't go to your hen do and it caused problems. She's overthinking, then you're overthinking....

If you want to go, go - keep it simple

gannett · 15/04/2025 09:30

Sounds like an olive branch knowing your friendship has waned a bit (and sounds like it was her fault), but giving you easy outs if you don't want to take it.

ForFunGoose · 15/04/2025 09:30

Think it’s make or break time for the friendship. If you choose to go it’s an opportunity to reset the relationship and move forward. If you are holding a grudge and not very interested in a friendship you should decline.

parietal · 15/04/2025 09:34

i think it is a slightly awkward olive branch,

if you want to connect with her, then go. at least it is a low-key easy hen night rather than an expensive trip away.

Bearbookagainandagain · 15/04/2025 09:34

My reading into this is first that she/her bridesmaids haven't organised a proper hen do where all friends are being invited (which would have made it easier for her because you would have been invited with everyone else).

And second, she is trying to give you an easy way out if you don't want to go. Very likely because she feels bad about dropping out of your hen do, and feels she is taking the piss asking you to join hers.

So I don't think you are an after thought, she just doesn't know how you will react so trying not to make a bid deal out of it.

Moveoverdarlin · 15/04/2025 09:36

If it doesn’t suit just means ‘you may have plans’ I wouldn’t get wound up about that.

But the ball is kind of in your court here. It’ll either make or break the friendship. If you want to have a fresh start and be best friends again, you could go to the hen do, be the bigger person and wish her well and be really nice to her as we tend to be when friends get married. Or you can just fuck her off, like she did to you at your hen do and let the whole thing fizzle out.

How do you see a future with her? Do you still have things in common? Are you at the same stage in life? Marriage / babies? Don’t push her away if you genuinely still care for her. She’s obviously tentatively asking you to the hen do a bit last minute as she knows she ballsed up with yours. She clearly wants you there.

Original poster
WorkRelatedName · 15/04/2025 09:39

Moveoverdarlin · 15/04/2025 09:36

If it doesn’t suit just means ‘you may have plans’ I wouldn’t get wound up about that.

But the ball is kind of in your court here. It’ll either make or break the friendship. If you want to have a fresh start and be best friends again, you could go to the hen do, be the bigger person and wish her well and be really nice to her as we tend to be when friends get married. Or you can just fuck her off, like she did to you at your hen do and let the whole thing fizzle out.

How do you see a future with her? Do you still have things in common? Are you at the same stage in life? Marriage / babies? Don’t push her away if you genuinely still care for her. She’s obviously tentatively asking you to the hen do a bit last minute as she knows she ballsed up with yours. She clearly wants you there.

Edited

honestly we’re opposites. I have kids, she doesn’t want them. I honestly don’t know what I want from all this to be honest. I guess it’s also bringing up old feelings on how I felt when she pulled out of my hen do and wedding etc. in the end it was me who reached out to her and she did come to my wedding, but since then the friendship hasn’t been the same.

i honestly think we’re too different now. I do wish her well, of course I do, but I don’t know that if I don’t go to the hen, will I be welcomed at the wedding, If that makes sense?

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 15/04/2025 09:47

from your visceral reaction to the message (and whole situation) I'd be seriously considering not attending either event, a previously booked clashing holiday or other event.

It appears you'll gain nothing from being there, and at worse you'll cause further harm to you, or your relationship, so bow out gracefully and remove the risk.

FOJN · 15/04/2025 09:50

I think she's feeling embarrassed about everything that happened around your wedding and hen do. She would like to include you but recognises you might feel like she let you down when you got married and not be interested. She's extending an invitation whilst not wanting you to feel obligated to attend. The tone is quite apologetic. I suspect now that she is getting married she feels regret for not being a better friend when you did.

If you don't want to go I'd simply send a polite response saying thank you for the invitation, you won't be able to make it but hope she has a good time. You may feel annoyed right now but this is the response which will be better for your peace of mind long term, you will never have cause to regret it but you might if you give away how pissed off you are.

Tilda86 · 15/04/2025 09:53

BlondeMummyto1 · 15/04/2025 09:26

I think she’s just being cautious as you haven’t been close.

I think you should go.

This was my first thought. I don't think it's come across the way it was intended. Whether you go or not is up to you.

Original poster
WorkRelatedName · 15/04/2025 12:03

I’m 50/50 still. I’ll need to reply to her today to let her know.

OP posts:
QuickLilacPoster · 15/04/2025 12:14

Did you ever find out why your ex best friend went funny on you before you wedding day?

To pull out of your hen and bridesmaid is a huge thing, I don’t know if I could recover from this and pretend that didn’t happen without an explanation.

Now she is getting married you’ve received and invite and a (sorry to say) afterthought invite to her hen do?

I would tread carefully but

The ball is in your court. This could make or break your friendship.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 15/04/2025 12:18

It all sounds a bit stressful, she's invited you very last minute. You could say something like 'oh what a shame, I love 'x activity' as you know but I'm busy that date, have a fab time though'. It sounds like this friendship has very much drifted and it might not be very comfortable if you went to the hen. Wedding is easier if you're invited with partner or people you know as it's less intense.

QuickLilacPoster · 15/04/2025 12:21

Adding to my comment, I also dislike when people say things like “you can come if you want” or “don’t feel like you have to come”

Do you want me there or not?

It isn’t like she said “I’d actually love to see you before the wedding to catch up, sorry it’s late notice but are you free on x date as my hen do is on this date and I would love for you to come”

BlueskyCherrytrees · 15/04/2025 12:24

This is pretty straightforward.

if you want to be friends still go to the wedding and the hen do.

if you don’t, politely decline and send best wishes.

The ball is pretty clearly in your court.

agingforgold · 15/04/2025 12:49

I wonder if she sent that kind of message to a lot of the people she invited and she’s trying to avoid a “big thing”, and probably didn’t think it through when saying the same thing to you.

Or, she’s actively trying to avoid you coming. I can only thing it’s because she feels awkward around you for some reason.

Whatever the situation is, I would just do whatever suits you and don’t worry about her cos she clearly doesn’t want a big thing anyway.

Justchillinhere · 15/04/2025 13:32

You could give her a call, text messages have no feelings, it might make you both feel better... but at least you'll know

ItGhoul · 15/04/2025 13:44

It's very possible she just sent the same text to everyone, a cut and paste message, so the 'if it's too far' and 'if it doesn't suit' comments might just be because it was just the generic message she sent to all her friends, you included. So I don't think it means she's trying to deter you from going - only that she doesn't want anyone to feel obliged to go.

ConnieSlow · 15/04/2025 14:00

Sounds like she is trying to save face as being a friend while telling you at the same time that she doesn’t really want you there. So by inviting you she is doing the ‘friend’ thing and she doesn’t have to be the bad guy.

a hen that’s two weeks ago wasn’t planned yesterday. It does seem like you were an afterthought and she’s hoping it’s too short notice for you to join.