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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lack of communication

48 replies

Feduplonely · 15/04/2025 09:19

Really long one.. apologies in advance!
I don’t have a relationship with sister in law, husband doesn’t communicate plans with me and I always end up left out or alone!

sis in laws doesn’t live in same city but when she comes I am expected (and i do it) to drop plans and bend over backwards so she can see my boys!
fast forward to today (I work FT in a high pressured job) I worked all Xmas and Feb half term, so I booked a few days off this week to do fun things with my children and not the usual weekend, football cleaning etc!

I get a text from mother in law last night saying she wants to do things with boys today and tomorrow as sis in law is down! I said I can cancel Tuesdays plans but can’t cancel Wednesday!
MIL but arsey and said spoke to husband and it all arranged! Husband wouldn’t answer phone for me to confirm but text me saying I was pathetic and I am just trying to cause trouble! I have had a barrage of abuse by texts from him over it!
I agreed to cancel my plans and drop kids off early and go into work today!

I was rushing when dropped boys off and I probably wasn’t in the best of moods after travelling 20 minutes out of my way to drop off! But the sis in law giving me snarls and looks so I asked what the face was for and both of them ganged up on me saying I was in a huff and looked bolshy! It’s caused a massive argument and I am so upset!
I’ve bent over backwards to accommodate them, lost annual leave, lost out financially on tickets yet am always the bad guy!

I don’t have any family and I just feel so alone and upset! No one gives a toss about me or my feelings! Husband has no respect for me and I just feel done!

I think I need to call gp as i was so upset when driving away I just wanted to crash into a tree!

should I apologise for being bolshy and roll over? AIBU? Am I being a brat?

OP posts:
AlertCat · 15/04/2025 09:21

Sounds like you’re being bullied by your H and his family. What would’ve happened if you hadn’t cancelled your plans, just said “no, that doesn’t work for me”?

MynameisJune · 15/04/2025 09:22

You don’t need a GP you need a solicitor for a divorce.

They’re your kids, you had plans! Stand up for yourself and tell them all to fuck right off.

Moonnstars · 15/04/2025 09:24

Your husband is part of the problem here. If you already had plans, booked tickets etc you saying no you couldn't change plans should have been enough and your husband should have backed this up. If SIL and MIL could only do that time, could they have also got tickets to wherever you planned to go?

However I would not be happy with this relationship and being dictated to.

Original poster
Feduplonely · 15/04/2025 09:25

Thanks, I think I know this! I am just so upset and feel really lonely!
i didn’t have a conversation with sis in law when answered door as we don’t talk or have a relationship I just put a bag of clothes down and said sorry got to go as need to get to work but there are multiple different clothes and then she was like oh nice and started making faces!

I know I shouldn’t have reacted but I asked what the face was for!

OP posts:
MynameisJune · 15/04/2025 09:25

What was the bag of clothes for? The kids for the day?

How old are your children?

Original poster
Feduplonely · 15/04/2025 09:28

No they have no plans just wanted to see them!
I gave in for both days as I’d have got a dogs life from husband and I always get made out to be the baddy so I try and bend over backwards to accommodate them!
I have tried my best over the years but they just don’t like me whatever I do and husband never supports me!
I think am more upset at all their attitudes to me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Feduplonely · 15/04/2025 09:30

Sorry first time posting and can’t figure out to reply to posts!
I’ve got no one to talk to about this, I would look pathetic if I told anyone in work!

OP posts:
BlondeMummyto1 · 15/04/2025 09:30

Fuck the lot of them. If your idiotic partner wants them to see the kids he will have to ferry them around. I would play no part in it and if I already had plans tough shit they wouldn’t be cancelled.

Original poster
Feduplonely · 15/04/2025 09:31

As they didn’t know what they were doing, I put sports gear in bag as well as smart stuff and then a football kit to play in garden in! 9 and 13!

OP posts:
Endofyear · 15/04/2025 09:34

You have a DH problem. If I had plans with my children I would not have cancelled them to accommodate his plans with in laws that he didn't tell me about. Why are you giving in? You need to be more assertive and not let them walk all over you.

PearTreeBoat · 15/04/2025 09:49

It's your husband that's the problem here. Your husband is showing absolutely no respect for your time, your wishes or your plans, MIL and SIL are just an extension of this.

Speak to a solicitor, and although much easier said than done, it does sound like divorce is the best route to go down.

It may even be that the realization that you are at the point of divorce is enough to make your husband understand how badly he is treating you and how he is allowing his family to also treat you. And if not then he can make all the plans he likes for the kids to see his family ON HIS TIME!!! And you'll be able to smile sweetly knowing that whatever plans you make will be adheard to.

AlertCat · 15/04/2025 09:52

Feduplonely · 15/04/2025 09:28

No they have no plans just wanted to see them!
I gave in for both days as I’d have got a dogs life from husband and I always get made out to be the baddy so I try and bend over backwards to accommodate them!
I have tried my best over the years but they just don’t like me whatever I do and husband never supports me!
I think am more upset at all their attitudes to me!

Yeah, you have a husband problem. Where else does he dictate and walk all over you? Also how did your kids feel about their time with you being stolen? Nothing about this scenario is okay.

(To quote a post, there is a button at the bottom of each post you click on to have that post appear above yours when you reply.)

toomuchfaff · 15/04/2025 09:52

"no that doesn't work for me, by all means if YOU want to facilitate the plans, please do so"

you've got a DH problem.

Learning to say no is your first task. No is a complete sentence, you don't have to explain your NO.

Let them huff, who gives a shit. Not you. Let them huff. Don't react, smile and walk away.

Original poster
Feduplonely · 15/04/2025 10:15

AlertCat · 15/04/2025 09:52

Yeah, you have a husband problem. Where else does he dictate and walk all over you? Also how did your kids feel about their time with you being stolen? Nothing about this scenario is okay.

(To quote a post, there is a button at the bottom of each post you click on to have that post appear above yours when you reply.)

Show quote history

Agh thank you!

they know what their dad can be like so they were ok with it! It’s anything not to rock the boat!
i feel like am in a rut where I can’t start saying no now! We did split around 14 years ago for 6 months and it was awful he went after me with solicitors etc and made life really difficult! I don’t think i have the head space to deal with this!

am in a ok position financially as I have a good job and could manage but I don’t have access to our savings so I would have to walk away with nothing l! Just feel really lonely to be honest! I’ve called gp as feel really really low I’ve never felt like this before!

OP posts:
Original poster
Feduplonely · 15/04/2025 10:16

toomuchfaff · 15/04/2025 09:52

"no that doesn't work for me, by all means if YOU want to facilitate the plans, please do so"

you've got a DH problem.

Learning to say no is your first task. No is a complete sentence, you don't have to explain your NO.

Let them huff, who gives a shit. Not you. Let them huff. Don't react, smile and walk away.

I know, I feel like I have gotten myself in a position where I give and give and get nothing back and I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall and just done!

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 15/04/2025 10:19

Feduplonely · 15/04/2025 10:16

I know, I feel like I have gotten myself in a position where I give and give and get nothing back and I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall and just done!

Show quote history

Start learning to say no. I'm not joking, practicing saying no even in situations where you're going to say yes, the initial No isn't easy as we are programmed to always say yes, so when someone asks you to pass the salt - no... let it sit, just kidding here you go. Your body won't want to say no, the other person won't be used to hearing no as they always assume a yes.

But more importantly you're training yourself to get over the visceral need to say yes.

Original poster
Feduplonely · 15/04/2025 10:20

PearTreeBoat · 15/04/2025 09:49

It's your husband that's the problem here. Your husband is showing absolutely no respect for your time, your wishes or your plans, MIL and SIL are just an extension of this.

Speak to a solicitor, and although much easier said than done, it does sound like divorce is the best route to go down.

It may even be that the realization that you are at the point of divorce is enough to make your husband understand how badly he is treating you and how he is allowing his family to also treat you. And if not then he can make all the plans he likes for the kids to see his family ON HIS TIME!!! And you'll be able to smile sweetly knowing that whatever plans you make will be adheard to.

I feel like this is the only way! I don’t have access to our savings as he says I can be frivolous but I have a good job and earn much more than him so I would be willing to cut my loses!

I worry the oldest would want to stay with ‘fun’ dad! I am very much a single parent as he works long shifts and never at home!
he gets to just get the nice things to do! I think that’s why I was looking forward to doing something on my own and fun with them this week!

I’ve already had texts from him saying an unhinged and caused an argument as I was bolshy this morning! Feel like I’ve played into this narrative of me being a mad women!

OP posts:
AnticleaAndLaertes · 15/04/2025 10:40

He's an arsehole, and you & your dc deserve better

Come on! Woman Up!! you got this

Dinosweetpea · 15/04/2025 11:43

If you are married half the savings are yours if you divorce (well they are anyway, what I'm saying is it's not his decision).

ForeverPombear · 15/04/2025 11:49

Your children have learnt to walk on eggshells around him so that he doesn't get in a strop.

This is no way to live for anyone and you do not deserve to be treated like this by him or his family.

People throw out LTB all the time and a lot of it is far to OTT but I think that this is a genuine case where the only thing to do is LTB.

Sauvin · 15/04/2025 11:55

You’d get half the savings in a divorce.

You don’t have to live like this - it is in your power to change it.

arcticpandas · 15/04/2025 11:58

Why wouldn't you get half of your savings? You are married so I don't get this at all.

Rhaidimiddim · 15/04/2025 11:59

AlertCat · 15/04/2025 09:21

Sounds like you’re being bullied by your H and his family. What would’ve happened if you hadn’t cancelled your plans, just said “no, that doesn’t work for me”?

I agree with this.

They all three seem to see you as someone who has to do as you're told.

It is OK to tell all three of them - no, can't do that, got plans already! - and then meet the objections with the very reasonable response that they should have discussed all this WITH YOU ( and not among themselves) first.

If my DH EVER reorganised my day off with my children like yours has, it would be a serious what-the-fuck-were-you-thinking row, not a capitulation. Seriously, you need to start sticking up for yourself before your children also start to see you as someone who can be pushed around.
Fat finger edits

Charel2girl5 · 15/04/2025 12:06

Have you put a lot into saving? Do you contribute regularly? I would seek legal advice, print off bank statements that show you have contributed and don’t pay a penny more. I seriously feel so sorry for the life you find yourself living but you and only you can change it.
Try to stop being so passive and agreeable, you need to find some fight inside. Ignore any instructions, You are not an employee (if you were they’d be in the Labour Court!) or a target for their nastiness. Opt out of the whole interaction and watch the shitshow that ensues, guaranteed they’ll turn on each other. All the best OP. 💐

JLou08 · 15/04/2025 12:24

No, don't apologise. They sound like awful bullies, all 3 of them. Your DH should have your back, not be abusive. Your time with your children is much more important than their time with the aunt and grandparents, you shouldn't need to sacrifice that. You feeling so low makes me think your DH is often abusive and it's not just this occasion. Go to the GP but make sure they know the circumstances with your DH and family, get some support. Maybe consider Women's Aid. Don't let your DH and his family grind you down anymore, they have led you to have thoughts of harming yourself. For your own sake and your children's sake, you need to look after your own mental health, leaving the marriage may be the only way to do it.

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