Lack of communication

[Feduplonely]

Really long one.. apologies in advance!
I don’t have a relationship with sister in law, husband doesn’t communicate plans with me and I always end up left out or alone!

sis in laws doesn’t live in same city but when she comes I am expected (and i do it) to drop plans and bend over backwards so she can see my boys!
fast forward to today (I work FT in a high pressured job) I worked all Xmas and Feb half term, so I booked a few days off this week to do fun things with my children and not the usual weekend, football cleaning etc!

I get a text from mother in law last night saying she wants to do things with boys today and tomorrow as sis in law is down! I said I can cancel Tuesdays plans but can’t cancel Wednesday!
MIL but arsey and said spoke to husband and it all arranged! Husband wouldn’t answer phone for me to confirm but text me saying I was pathetic and I am just trying to cause trouble! I have had a barrage of abuse by texts from him over it!
I agreed to cancel my plans and drop kids off early and go into work today!

I was rushing when dropped boys off and I probably wasn’t in the best of moods after travelling 20 minutes out of my way to drop off! But the sis in law giving me snarls and looks so I asked what the face was for and both of them ganged up on me saying I was in a huff and looked bolshy! It’s caused a massive argument and I am so upset!
I’ve bent over backwards to accommodate them, lost annual leave, lost out financially on tickets yet am always the bad guy!

I don’t have any family and I just feel so alone and upset! No one gives a toss about me or my feelings! Husband has no respect for me and I just feel done!

I think I need to call gp as i was so upset when driving away I just wanted to crash into a tree!

should I apologise for being bolshy and roll over? AIBU? Am I being a brat?

Marriage is a partnership where we have each others backs. Your husband doesn't have your back, so I can see how you're feeling very much alone. You'll also (I guess) struggle to say no because of the lack of support from your husband. It would be much easier if you knew your husband was right behind you when you do need his voice too.

I'm not really one to say this but have you ever considered divorce? I'd hate for you to be alone against your husband and his family forever, you gave a life too!

I would really consider this as he's siding with his gamily over you, his wife! He's also blaming you for the actions of his very entitled family. Please think so carefully about your future with this man x

Stop putting money into the joint savings
put As little as possible - or is fair - into household expenses
try and get back half of your joint savings
then one day when you see sense you'll have money to leave

What a bunch of A holes they are to you. Your dh sounds like a nasty bully

Ok so your stuck. Id set up a family calendar add dh, sil and mil. Send message that it set up and you have blocked out the days where the boys are doing stuff and won't be avaliable.

gosh OP this all sounds so stressful.

I would roll with it this week, since you've cancelled your plans. Find a solicitor, get advice, gather as much info as you can about your and your DH's financial situation, get copies of documents and so on and so on.

But also speak to your husband - don't mention separation or divorce but tell him that YOU and your DSs are supposed to be his priority, and that you don't appreciate it when you are coerced (use that word) into changing your plans for a bunch of wankers (use that word) who don't talk properly or politely to you.

And try not to change future plans. It isn't easy, and if you really are getting your ducks in a row in anticipation of separation, you may prefer to put up with things.

I think your relationship is abusive. Call the helpline here for free legal advice: www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

I get what you mean about headspace and the fear that your son might want to stay with ‘fun dad’- but fun dad will revert to type day to day and dc will see him for what he is. But you are entitled to your fair share of assets so do get legal advice, please. Once away from that dynamic, you will feel SO much better, I promise. You’ll have freedom!

I know, but I also know he will make everything really difficult!

Thank you I think I needed this, as I dont have anyone to tell me this is not right!
Ive had a barrage of abuse from him saying I’ve caused drama for no reason and I need sectioning!
maybe I do as I feel so low.

I could deal with the wasting annual leave and changing plans but am
more hurt by how I feel I have no one and the way am getting spoken to has just really got to me

Thank you, I’ll use this as I get all flustered when speak to them as I worry about everything!
I was meant to be picking them
up shortly but text me to say they won’t be ready till later! Feel like losing control!

I know, I think I’ve came to that realisation today!
I’ve lost a lot of friendships over the years as it’s difficult to go out with them as he can get annoyed, basically I’ve bent over backwards to keep him happy but it’s came to ahead and I’m just rock bottom!
I could have got over the change of plans (I think) but it’s the way am being spoken to and completely dismissed as a mad women for daring to say I had plans!!

Thank you everyone, I’ve felt this has really made me see this is not normal!
I am
still kicking myself for coming across bolshy this morning though as feel as if I’ve played into his hands and they are all sat bitching about how awful I am

It doesn’t sound as if you can win with them, whatever you do or don’t do.

I'm SO cross on your behalf @Feduplonely! What a bunch of arseholes, how dare they steamroll your plans with your children and then make you out to be the bad guy!

I agree with PPs, your husband is not on your team, in fact he's actively playing against you. I wouldn't want to be married to a man I couldn't rely on, or who called me names and made me doubt my own sanity, do you?

It sounds like this is a defining moment in your relationship, if you think there is any hope of your husband getting on board with you, then this is the time to make it happen, and if not, this is the time to get your ducks in a row.

PPs are right about any savings being joint, so it's definitely worth finding out how much he has squirreled away, so he can't hide any when the time comes to divide assets.

I know you're worried about your older DS wanting to spend most of his time with his dad, but I am sure that they can see what is happening and will be able to work out who the bad guy in this situation is for themselves before too long. If you do separate, you'll be able to do the fun stuff with them that you've been missing out on, because you're not going to have to spend time dealing with your husband and his toxic family.

Ive had a barrage of abuse from him saying I’ve caused drama for no reason and I need sectioning!

OP, I used to get this all the time from my ex. 'You're psychotic. You're crazy. You've inconvenienced my family [said like I'd burned their house down or something]. Everyone knows what you're like.' Etc etc etc. It's part of the playbook, designed to destabilise you. You're not causing drama, OP, and you definitely don't need sectioning. You're a loving, capable mother of two holding down a demanding full-time job and being gaslit by your arse of a husband. Please believe that you deserve better than him. I was frightened of being on my own but when I finally gathered up the courage to leave it was absolute bliss. Don't let him and his obnoxious family bully you any more.

It’s definitely a defining moment!
picked children up and got a mouthful from sil ! Said she had spoke to my husband and I was a liar and I needed to prove I had plans tomorrow!
I reached for phone to show proof then thought no! Not justifying myself to you!

I don’t think there is anyway back now! Oldest son has said all my fault as I shouldn’t have challenged sil when she was pulling faces and snarling me!
just feel so defeated and lonely can’t see how I will ever forgive him but hung with his sister and calling me a liar!

I have had all that tonight!
including how my children hate me.
I am need to seek help as I need sectioning

i feel so drained at this the thought of trying leave scares me!
ive always thought it was me and I should be grateful but think am just worn down now!

The thought of leaving IS scary but the trick is to take it one step at a time. Work out what you’re going to do, find one person you can confide in, seek professional support (I had an amazing health visitor), and get your finances sorted. Try not to worry about your son. He’s 13 and it’s normal for him to get a bit antagonistic at this age. If you are calm and consistent with him (easier said than done!) you will be able to ride it out. His dad’s behaviour is setting him a terrible example. You leaving will ultimately set him a much better one

I don’t even know who I could confide in! I don’t have anyone really, I do have work colleagues but not close and work is a bit of an escape really!

I feel a bit pathetic really! He’s said he’s going to a hotel so hopefully that will start hall rolling

I don’t even know who I could confide in! I don’t have anyone really, I do have work colleagues but not close and work is a bit of an escape really!

Is there a sympathetic parent at your DC's school you could talk to? A neighbour? Someone who has been through something similar? Don't worry if it's not someone close - I have had several people I'm not close to confide in me and I never thought it strange; in fact I was flattered that they felt they could.

No I don’t have anyone! I have parents but both very poorly and I think it would kill them off!

I have been up all night, sick to the stomach that I feel I have to drop my children off again with that horrible sil!

In your shoes Women’s Aid might offer support. You’re in an abusive relationship and it’s affecting your children.

I’m also tempted to suggest you don’t take the kids to your husband’s family, but instead do the activity you bought tickets for. But not if you would be in danger on your return.

Just to update! I’ve put foot down and said no I won’t be dropping children off nor are they going up there today!
phew.. feel like a weight has been lifted! Husband not contactable so can’t ask or tell him!
13yr old may have it in for me now though!! But small price to pay for sanity.

Your 13yo is being, and has been all his life, groomed to see you with contempt. I really hope you find a way out of this marriage because it’s harming all of you, you and your kids.

Have a lovely day today though, I imagine the kids will appreciate spending some time with you.

Good for you @Feduplonely! I hope you and your kids are having a fab day, sod those toxic arseholes!