He's lost his wedding ring again

[IneedAniffler]

What do we do? Do we get a new one the same? Even though I will be a bit sad that it's not the one we had at our ceremony, the symbolism linked to the item is important to me.
Or do we just leave it
Last time he lost it he got very upset. I bought a metal detector and had to go through the bins, I found it somewhere in the house eventually.

He's not good at looking for or finding things and I regularly get frustrated by having to help him find his keys, wallet, vouchers, paperwork, usually when he is running late and getting snippy.

I've tried creating specific spaces for these things but he doesn't use them. He is terminally forgetful and gets frustrated with himself and sometimes me.

He needed a sports garment yesterday and didn't wash it a week ago when he last used it, he couldn't find it, I told him it was in the laundry basket by the machine and he was equally surprised and angry. He snapped at me a bit and then couldn't go to his club. He dorve there to check for his ring with no results and when he came back he apologised and admitted he was BU And should stay on top of caring for his own stuff.

He's now really visibly preoccupied by losing the ring again, he kept taking it off for sports, sleeping, bathing, washing up, gardening.

So now he wears it on a necklace but again, not all the time and takes it off leaving it lying around. I've told him to put it in my jewelry cabinet if he takes it off but of course he doesn't. I bought him a really nice personalised valet tray for it - that got shoved in a drawer.

I never take mine off, it's sized properly so it doesn't fall off. I put my things where I know I can find them, or leave things together in my bag. If I can't find something I can't ask him to help me look as he often can't see the salt and pepper at the front of the cupboard.

AIBU to have sort of given up caring about it, he can do what he likes.
AIBU to be getting tired of his constant woe about it? I've once again had to carve out a huge amount of time later to turn the house upside down to look for it when I have a lot of work to do and also want some downtime.
AIBU to not want to participate in this dramatic fellowship of the ring saga.

Options seem to be:

• Get a ring tattooed on.
• Buy cheap plain band - £40? - so that he can keep replacing them.
• Buy a decent ring that fits really really well so he never needs to take it off. Mine stays on for rock climbing, sea swimming, painting the house, gardening...

Let him look for it. It seems he will never learn.

If he can bother to find it, suggests he tapes it up for sport, gardening etc.

Maybe get a cheaper second ring ti wear day to day and (if you find it), keep his original in a box at home for special occasional wear.

He needs to learn either way!! Very frustrating.

Why does he need one? Many people don't wear wedding rings.

The tattoo idea made me laugh, thank you 🤣

The original was not cheap, and sized carefully. But apparently this is irrelevant and he takes it off so it doesnt get damaged. We chose platinum so it would withstand wear and tear, mine still looks fine. I have told him to keep it on but he absolutely refuses for martial arts. Apparently it's dangerous...

Sounds like ADHD I am much the same , I even drive myself mad with my lack of organisation skills.

He wants it. And it was quite expensive.

My dh and I never take our wedding rings off so they don't get lost. Does it fit properly? If you find it,get it sized so it absolutely fits snd then tell him to never take it off!!!

If not, buy a new perfectly fitting one and again, tell him to leave it on!!

Option 4: not wear a ring. It's not compulsory. If he doesn't like it, tough - he should have looked after it.

I'm also a bit concerned at the thought of someone wearing a ring for rock climbing. At the climbing centre I go to, there are big signs up saying "Remove your rings, not your fingers."

Stop enabling his incompetence.
What stood out from your post was the fact he was surprised and upset his dirty sports kit was still in the dirty laundry basket.. clearly he expected you to deal with this.
He clearly expects you to find his missing belongings.
He can't be bothered with being responsible because you will be for him....

Gosh, anyone can mislay something or at worst lose it but looking at the bigger picture, hes behaving like a prat.

You are not unreasonable if you switch off and cease to help him manage his “stuff.”

He’s not six and you are not his mother.
Step back and ignore his moods.

Like any six year old, he will soon learn, hopefully, to be more mature. He’s being pathetic.

Finally, never buy him anything you’d regret him losing. He doesn’t deserve it and certainly, no more wedding rings.

Oh yeah it fits snugly! Before he wore it on a necklace he'd be yanking it off!

Dh doesn’t wear his during the week as he has a manual job and he is wary about damaging it or his hand due to work.but he puts it in a safe place on a Monday morning.

Drop. The. Rope. If he's got specific places to put his precious personal items but doesn't use them then he should look for the item when he's lost said it! NYP.

When he finds the ring he needs to get it resized so it doesn't come off so easily. Not sure I'd buy him yet another replacement.

Said as I've just been looking for my specs to look at my phone. I need my specs to find my specs but not my DHs fault where I'd left them earlier!

I don't think the tattoo was a joke, some people do this. Also rings can be dangerous, my FIL was an aircraft mechanic and saw people lose fingers in machinery. I would remove a ring for martial arts (and rock climbing). I hardly wear my rings, HCP so can't wear for work and don't wear to walk the dog etc. I leave mine in a ring box and wear when I'm going somewhere nice.

It's not really about the ring though, is it? It's about him being careless. Is it insured?

I thought of this too. I have been losing and forgetting things since I was a child. Nothing seems to change that. I try very very hard. Am actually proud that I now have a phone I haven't lost in 2 years. May be a bit more. It's frustrating for me and maddening for those around me.
Does he absolutely need to wear a ring? I hardly take off mine as I know the chances of losing them are high

Get it resized so it fits properly. Have a conversation about not enabling him anymore, or limiting your enabling if he genuinely does have ADHD to things that affect your home life, but he has to make up it other ways.

How did he manage before he moved in with you?

My father worked construction and for safety reasons he didn't wear a ring 😊

My father worked construction and for safety reasons he didn't wear a ring 😊

The tattoo wasn't a joke 🤣 I've seen people with them and although I'm not generally a tattoo fan I actually think they're lovely. There's a confidence in the permanence of the marriage. If I was allergic to metal or something I would definitely get one.
And to pp worrying about the rock climbing, it's not roped climbing. More vertical scrambling I guess! I was just demonstrating that I treat my ring roughly and don't worry about scratches, that's all.
OP, I can see the martial arts are a problem, but if he was only taking it off occasionally for this he'd be unlikely to lose it. From your post it seems he's taking it off constantly, for things like showers? That's nuts given he's prone to losing it.
However it's not your problem. Just suggest to him a few solutions per this thread if you like, and then leave him to it. Don't help him hunt for it every time and definitely don't accept him snapping at you.

I think, regardless of the outcome, you need to stop trying to solve his problems.

Let them - Mel Robbins. The theory that learning what is within your realm of control and outside it is the key to leading a more peaceful life. Others can act or react, and that won't be how you would do something because they are not you. So you have to let them (be them, solve their own problems etc) while you support.

Thank you, I agree

I do fear his anger, I'm in therapy as this comes from an abusive childhood and my knee jerk reaction is to try and fix things immediately even if it's not my mistake so as to restore peace and avoid blame
(Thanks, mum.)

Also I am the one with ADHD. It affects me in many organisational ways as well as other ways, and I have huge amounts of systems in place, I burn out quickly taking care of my own work and health but I do a lot in terms of therapy, research, trying all different things to keep myself on top of things.

He may be Autistic as it is in his family but he won't consider acknowledging or exploring it.

Should have maybe included that but I didn't want any of it to interfere or be an excuse

Ah right. There are bigger issues than the lost ring OP.

I do fear his anger, I'm in therapy as this comes from an abusive childhood and my knee jerk reaction is to try and fix things immediately even if it's not my mistake so as to restore peace and avoid blame
(Thanks, mum.)

I get this. I hope that he does to and moderates his responses to events and particularly to you, so as not to trigger you? My OH does- and is willing to consider his response to things- if he didn’t we couldn’t be together, I lived on eggshells for enough years before I met him.

But yes, I would be annoyed if he wants the expensive thing but won’t take care of it. And making you go through the bins for something he has lost is outrageous! I’m concerned for you that he may bully you or take advantage of your traumatic background to make his own life easier. Does he?

Yes there are, I'm perhaps doing a bit more to acknowledge them and work on them than he is.

My husband had a wedding ring, but never wore it at work for safety reasons, and eventually lost it. I also lost mine - I wear my mum's old wedding ring instead. It just didn't matter - the marriage was impo, the rings weren't.