He's lost his wedding ring again

[IneedAniffler]

What do we do? Do we get a new one the same? Even though I will be a bit sad that it's not the one we had at our ceremony, the symbolism linked to the item is important to me.
Or do we just leave it
Last time he lost it he got very upset. I bought a metal detector and had to go through the bins, I found it somewhere in the house eventually.

He's not good at looking for or finding things and I regularly get frustrated by having to help him find his keys, wallet, vouchers, paperwork, usually when he is running late and getting snippy.

I've tried creating specific spaces for these things but he doesn't use them. He is terminally forgetful and gets frustrated with himself and sometimes me.

He needed a sports garment yesterday and didn't wash it a week ago when he last used it, he couldn't find it, I told him it was in the laundry basket by the machine and he was equally surprised and angry. He snapped at me a bit and then couldn't go to his club. He dorve there to check for his ring with no results and when he came back he apologised and admitted he was BU And should stay on top of caring for his own stuff.

He's now really visibly preoccupied by losing the ring again, he kept taking it off for sports, sleeping, bathing, washing up, gardening.

So now he wears it on a necklace but again, not all the time and takes it off leaving it lying around. I've told him to put it in my jewelry cabinet if he takes it off but of course he doesn't. I bought him a really nice personalised valet tray for it - that got shoved in a drawer.

I never take mine off, it's sized properly so it doesn't fall off. I put my things where I know I can find them, or leave things together in my bag. If I can't find something I can't ask him to help me look as he often can't see the salt and pepper at the front of the cupboard.

AIBU to have sort of given up caring about it, he can do what he likes.
AIBU to be getting tired of his constant woe about it? I've once again had to carve out a huge amount of time later to turn the house upside down to look for it when I have a lot of work to do and also want some downtime.
AIBU to not want to participate in this dramatic fellowship of the ring saga.

What about a silicone ring? My friend's Dh works as a car mechanic so he can wear that without snagging it on anything. My friend also then changed hers to a silicone one too in solidarity.

Dh lost weight so cannot wear his original rose gold ring and didn't want to resize it so he now wears a cheap £20 titanium ring from Amazon.

I think the phrase don't put it down put it away might be helpful for him to remember to put things where they should go. Dh is a leaver, ie he leaves stuff wherever he puts it down, I am a putter, it goes where it should. He uses that phrase to return things to where they should go.

Maybe get a similar looking replacement for everyday wear. Something scratch proof, hard wearing and chemically stable like titanium or cobalt chrome.

If the original turns up keep it safe in a jewellery box for special occasions...

I have a tattoo on ring finger instead because I get a rash from rings.

most people think it’s lovely, not funny!

I wouldn't be replacing it, he doesn't need to wear a ring.

I also wouldn't be carving out a huge amount of time to do anything either. Its up to him to learn a way of keeping track of his stuff. ADHD or not.

So, redirect

Oh that's really sad, what are you going to do?
vs
"let's try and find it, shall we buy a new one"

Push it back to them.

OP you are doing a lot (all?) of the heavy lifting in this relationship.
HE has anger issues, YOU are in therapy to deal with it.
HE loses stuff, he is angry at YOU.
I think you are afraid of him.
The only problem here that is yours to solve is, how to safely get out of the relationship.

He lost his ring, so YOU had to rummage through the bins?

His sports kit wasn’t ready, so he got angry at YOU?

This is meant kindly- you don’t have to put up with this.

He’s being a nob, it’s not your job to wash his sport kit or find the ring he lost - and it’s outrageous for him to get irritated about you not doing it too.

Your job is to deliver the clean laundry. To find the lost item. To keep him, a grown man, tidy and organised.

Attempting to provide ways he can do these things for himself; the metal detector, the valet tray, the washing basket by the machine ... ?

No. Of course this is you being unreasonable.

You're only the domestic appliance.

Quite understandable he got angry.

Don't we all get exasperated when our things aren't functioning as it says on the packaging?

(😶)

Why do you need to use a chunk of time looking for it? HE lost it, again. Let him find it.
It's not your responsibility and you're not helping him by saving him every time.

I know. I regret offering to do it now. I just defaulted to taking on the responsibility and people pleasing to avoid dealing with the stress.

A combination of wanting to help him as he's upset, and knowing he won't be able to find it, as I mentioned, he often can't find things even when they are sitting right where they are supposed to be.

If you have ADHD but have worked hard to keep your life in order then so can he Op. If you don't make him responsible for his problems then he'll never try to do better, it's too easy for him to moan at you knowing you'll sort it for him

and knowing he won't be able to find it, as I mentioned, he often can't find things even when they are sitting right where they are supposed to be.

He could, if he put the effort in like the rest of us. But he won't because he has a willing servant who will burn herself out in the process to mollycoddle him. Look up weaponised incompetence and start changing some of your own actions and reactions. And quite honestly the most telling part of all your posts is about the unwashed sports clothes. That was chilling to read.

You can buy silicone wedding rings, my husband wears a black one and just keeps a stash of them. They only cost about £5 on amazon and don't need to be taken off for MA, rock climbing, construction etc. Not as nice to look at as a platinum ring of course.

I'm awful for losing things. I have tile tags on keys, handbag, purse, sunglasses case (currently Iv lost my sunglasses though). Literally been life changing as i can ping them from any family members mobile. I use tags to ping my mobile.
I don't wear rings as I lose them

You have to take them off for quite a few sports. My dh was always careful with where he left his when he played football.

Obviously you’ve said you know your reaction is more about your childhood and the current relationship issues more than the ring si I’ll just address the ring issue specifically.
Re correct sizing, dh has to take his off for sports, it’s just the rule si that probably won’t help. Dh also takes it off a lot for other things too, I do find it all round the house, I’d probably forget mine a lot if I did the same. A solution we considered is a silicone safety ones. could he wear that and not take it off and if he does at least it’s a cheaper replacement.