My child’s father

[Lesleyann25]

I posted about this recently, my daughter is almost 12 she has always been quite sweet bit and just gone with the flow but since her period she is having outbursts. Her dad and his partner cannot cope at all as they have an 8 year old too.

My daughter’s behaviour is worse there and she told me she is not sleeping over anymore because her dad is lazy won’t do anything and it causes lots of arguments and she has had enough. Now he is acting like I am not allowing it, he is taking her out today and he said he can arrange to do things but at her age and I cannot force her. She digs her heels in and point blank refuses. She has stayed there no problem for 10 years. He won’t respond to my messages (which in a way i am glad) because all he has done for 10 years is belittle my parenting and I will be glad when I barely have to speak to him.

He is also controlling and she has to stick to
routines there, I will often drop her off to see her friend last minute etc. He tried to take her to
soft play then he had melt down when she wouldn’t go. I said you don’t see many kids with boobs running around soft play. He caters more to the 8 year old and doesn’t really do what she enjoys. I feel a bit guilty but then he didn’t feel guilty when he moved a new woman in 3 months after I left. I really do think the atmosphere in that home is causing a lot of my daughter’s bad moods. Am I right to say she does not want to sleep over but you can see her anytime.

If she doesnt want to stay overnight then she needs to tell her dad. She's 12. I would text him saying that she's reluctant to stay but really wants to spend some 1:1 time with him. I would send her with her overnight bag and tell her that she can decide once she's there. I wouldn't make her reluctance about him. She's changing. Her bodies changing. She might just want her mum. Besides you can't control what he does while she's there.

Thank you, her dad doesn’t like anything to change so he’s taking it really personally when she doesn’t want to things like going swimming. She is very conscience of her body changing. It was getting to the point where he was calling me
all time saying she wants to come home.

He has no idea what it's like to be a teenage girl. If she wants to cone home I'd collect her but she really needs to talk to her dad.

Teens are tough and a whole different ball game. In my limited experience many men don't seem to cope well with the transition into teendom of their kids.

I am sure she will today. I said to him make arrangements to take her out whenever you like. I know what it’s like to be a teenage girl with parents arguing a lot. He split up with his partner at
christmas and they were in the same house but not speaking for 4 weeks so I do think that is part of it. As an adult I cannot stand atmospheres like that.

Yes, it’s been a huge change for me with the moodiness and everything else that goes with it. He is blaming me but what he doesn’t realise it was easier for me with work when she went straight from school a couple of nights a week because I live quite a distance from school so a bit nervous about her coming home alone as she is still in primary school.

Also it’s not sour grapes on my part we split 10 years ago, seems like another life time but I have done all of the running around. He doesn’t drive so I’ve dropped her off and picked her up for 10 years. Any bad behaviour from her and he says it’s my fault too much screen time etc but I am out with her all time or she is with her best friend. She isn’t even bothered about gaming etc she loves bands and listens to music. He does make
me
feel shit at every opportunity so I can’t say I will be sad to not discuss logics with him.

I'd just ignore him. Ultimately, it's easy to criticise when someone else is doing the work. Don't let him get you down. Ylhe has no power over you anymore. If he has something to say then he needs to refelect on about his parenting and the time and effort he's put in.

People in glass houses ...

Thank
you he does not have any power and I am happy she can now communicate herself so he has no reason to contact me.

Your comment about your daughter's boobs is unacceptable. Bloody awful tbf.

What? No it isn't. She's saying it to make a point that her daughter is now turning into a young woman but her dad is insistent on still treating her like a little kid.

This happened with my DS too - he stopped going to his Dads as he didn't feel valued there, everything was focused on younger sibs. He was about 13, but girls are more mature.

I would encourage some visits, and one to one meet ups, but you can't force them to go

Of course this will be your fault, rather than his for not building a strong relationship.

I take your point, however I feel like it could and should have been worded better.

What? Haha are you not allowed to say boobs now? Get a hold.

Ok you do not see many kids in soft play with breasts. Is that ok

No wonder she doesn’t want to go there, what’s he thinking taking an 11 year old to soft play - I’m surprised she was even allowed in.

Laugh all you want. I just made a comment.

Good luck.

Yes everything is my fault but he did leave her with her step mother an awful lot while he did his own thing. Her step mother has been good to her but has recently made comments like well you don’t have to come if you don’t want. I think she is struggling as both kids are at a challenging age.

i Just can’t see how saying the word boobs is awful. Most women have them.

It’s not. You were making a valid point about her body changing and someone was clutching pearls about it.

I think at nearly 12 you need her to try and talk to her dad about how she feels, otherwise like you say he will see it is you trying to stop her going.

Can you mediate between them and help her find the words to tell him she finds it tough at his because she is bored (you say dad won't do anything). Can she think of things she would like to do with him which she could mention (with you present to hear) and then see whether this actually happens?

To be fair her she has had some big melt downs saying people do not understand or even know what she likes. I try my best to buy her t shirts of the bands she likes etc but he will buy her what he likes and she is being pretty OTT and quite rude if I am honest but I have boundaries and I do not let her get her own way.