Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dislike of my mother

28 replies

Coocoopachu · 15/04/2025 06:24

I feel like a bitch. Let's get that out first. But I've realised as I have got older I dislike and resent my DM. We are staying with my parents at the moment. She is not normal. I could go into lots of details but basically, my childhood memories are mainly of her being disapproving, disappointed and not always very nice to me. As she went through the change she was vile and so as a teen I hated her. The way she treats my DF, I hate that. There have been big arguments throughout the years and I've learned to just suppress how I feel for a quiet and easier relationship. I am the one who has to back off and just agree with her to avoid a row. I've had a lot of pent up frustration and upset which I've been pushing away for decades. Now she is old and still very difficult but I feel like I don't love her and don't want anything to do with her. It's not going to happen as we are one of those families that feel they are close knit..... I don't agree but have to play along. I feel like the odd one out. My siblings and their partners seem to dote on her and I have to put on an act. My patience is wearing thin for pretence and I have realised I don't even like her. Perhaps I need therapy. Does anyone else dislike their parent?

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 15/04/2025 06:29

I hear you.

MaggieBsBoat · 15/04/2025 06:31

I have exactly the same problem.

There’s a family WhatsApp and my siblings have blocked me now as I don’t cosy up to mum enough or they think I’m just mean to her (I’m definitely not) so it’s all just random messages from my dad and mum with no context. My mum has been awful to me over the years and now I just can’t be bothered anymore. I wouldn’t be on the WhatsApp even if my DH didn’t think it was important.

Rainydaysandwellybobs · 15/04/2025 06:34

Yep, been NC for many years and apparently she's dying now. I wish I hadn't been told until she was gone but here we are🤷‍♀️

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 15/04/2025 06:36

Google narcisstic mothers. There are loads of videos on utube. Might be helpful ?

MorningSunlight · 15/04/2025 06:36

Yes. I wish I could go n/c but it’s not possible not least because on the outside she appears like a frail old lady and I’d be judged so harshly.

Truetoself · 15/04/2025 06:39

You need to move out then reassess if that’s really how you feel. Living with your mother in adulthood is not easy

Original poster
Coocoopachu · 15/04/2025 06:48

We are only staying for a week while our house has some work done. It's nearly time to move home and I'm ecstatic. I wish we had booked somewhere but they were so insistent. Again, I didn't want to just be bullied about it so we accepted. It's been really hard. I felt this way much before we went to stay. I just have an internal battle with how I'm meant to feel about her and how I actually feel.

OP posts:
Enchanted82 · 15/04/2025 07:02

Firstly don’t feel like a bitch. Its absolutely ok to feel resentment and disappointment when you look back and it doesn’t make you a bad person!
What I’ve learnt over the years is how many people will tolerate poor behaviour especially within a family unit, keep their mouth closed and follow status quo. That’s what your siblings are doing but you are being true to how you feel.
both myself and husband have distanced ourselves from each of our family units respectfully because we realise they are essentially provoking arguments, bad feeling and unhappiness. We do see them, we come across as perfectly ‘ok’ to the outside but for our own sanity and family we have had to spend less time and put less focus on them and prioritise ourselves.

piscofrisco · 15/04/2025 07:26

I have this to some degree. My mum is lovely-to everyone else. To me she is judgey, and sharp, and her very set opinions on how life should be led have made me go in directions I wouldn’t otherwise have gone. Her views on life are very different to mine and it’s hard to like her as a person.I found out recently she is still in touch with my exh who cheated on me twice, and who nearly destroyed me mentally. Friendly messages between them every couple of weeks for ten years. It feels like a huge betrayal and I haven’t really been able to speak to her since as it feels like the last straw a bit. I can’t imagine a time I would do that to my daughters. She is in her 80’s and beginning to struggle so I feel very guilty. And I look at others who have such lovely relationships with their Mums and it makes me feel so envious as I don’t know what that’s like.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/04/2025 07:28

Coocoopachu · 15/04/2025 06:48

We are only staying for a week while our house has some work done. It's nearly time to move home and I'm ecstatic. I wish we had booked somewhere but they were so insistent. Again, I didn't want to just be bullied about it so we accepted. It's been really hard. I felt this way much before we went to stay. I just have an internal battle with how I'm meant to feel about her and how I actually feel.

Do your siblings genuinely like her or are they they be putting on an act to keep the peace like you are?

Was she nicer to them while you were all growing up or are they suffering from FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt)?

You can pull back massively from her without going full no contact.

Original poster
Coocoopachu · 15/04/2025 07:32

I think when I go home I'll be able to mask it all again and pretend. It's just become quite concentrated being here. I have been awake ages but I'm not coming out if my room for a while. The least time spent stuck with her the better.
I'm also a bit angry with her for not looking after her health. I see her struggling and it's mostly self inflicted through very poor diet and zero exercise. She refuses to eat better, move etc even though she knows it's caused all these ailments. I see her rapid deterioration and it's really frustrating. So I suppose I do care....I am quite confused and conflicted. I need to get out of here. Counting the days.

OP posts:
BuzzYourGirlfriendWoof · 15/04/2025 07:33

I completely hear you. I am fortunate because my (half) sister agrees, but she is also able to better play the game (in my defence, my mum is currently in bitter battle with my step dad, but because he’s not by biological father she expects me to cut him out, despite the fact he brought me up and I call him dad etc…that same expectation is not placed on my sister, hence why I think she can cope better & not bite etc).

I had an epiphany feeling recently where I thought “I don’t love her anymore”, which was both shocking and liberating.

I really feel for you, and if you can start to put a bit of distance between you, it might help, but fully understand that this isn’t always possible in these families where everyone pretends they’re close. I had therapy and it did help validate my feelings and reassured me that I wasn’t the problem.

FizFig · 15/04/2025 07:39

It got easier as I got older and heard more tales of dysfunction behind the facade of other perfect families.
I'm more honest with with friends and colleagues. I 've totally switched from praising their attention to detail and high standards to platitudes, only get one set, to finally relatively low contact, low comment and damned with low praise. 'their garden looks nice'

I keep my kids away from them.

Original poster
Coocoopachu · 15/04/2025 07:40

I think siblings genuinely dote on her because they were younger and the favourites. And their partners think she is lovely..... but she is to the "outsiders". She would never speak to them how she does me. She occasionally gets annoyed with my siblings and let's the mask slip but if it was me we would be having a row. She is more tolerant of them. One is quite direct and can be hot headed so I think she is wary to upset them. I feel like when we are together as a family they all railroad and bully me. Even when I try to stand my ground they side against me and I have to give in. They all think I'm awkward. I think I'd be happier if I moved away.

OP posts:
FamilyFool · 15/04/2025 07:40

piscofrisco · 15/04/2025 07:26

I have this to some degree. My mum is lovely-to everyone else. To me she is judgey, and sharp, and her very set opinions on how life should be led have made me go in directions I wouldn’t otherwise have gone. Her views on life are very different to mine and it’s hard to like her as a person.I found out recently she is still in touch with my exh who cheated on me twice, and who nearly destroyed me mentally. Friendly messages between them every couple of weeks for ten years. It feels like a huge betrayal and I haven’t really been able to speak to her since as it feels like the last straw a bit. I can’t imagine a time I would do that to my daughters. She is in her 80’s and beginning to struggle so I feel very guilty. And I look at others who have such lovely relationships with their Mums and it makes me feel so envious as I don’t know what that’s like.

She’s jealous of you and is a bitch. I’d grab her phone and block him and if she’s 80 there’s no way she could work that out. It feels like a huge betrayal because it is a huge betrayal.

Seachanger · 15/04/2025 07:44

I hear you OP.
Don't feel like a bitch.
I was severely mentally affected by my upbringing - my brain altered by the emotional neglect. My siblings were treated differently from me and can never understand.
You feel how you feel and you have good reason to feel how you feel.

FizFig · 15/04/2025 07:45

And my mum is currently doing the keep in contact with my brother's ex. In this case my brother treated her shamefully but still my mum thinks she can intrude into this poor woman's life, I think it's about a misguided sense of power, control or influence in other people's lives.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/04/2025 07:47

Coocoopachu · 15/04/2025 07:40

I think siblings genuinely dote on her because they were younger and the favourites. And their partners think she is lovely..... but she is to the "outsiders". She would never speak to them how she does me. She occasionally gets annoyed with my siblings and let's the mask slip but if it was me we would be having a row. She is more tolerant of them. One is quite direct and can be hot headed so I think she is wary to upset them. I feel like when we are together as a family they all railroad and bully me. Even when I try to stand my ground they side against me and I have to give in. They all think I'm awkward. I think I'd be happier if I moved away.

You are obviously the 'scapegoat' child and they are the 'golden' children. Maintaining contact with her and them is damaging your self-esteem. Therapy may help you understand that none of this is your fault and you have every right to step back and let your favoured siblings be the ones to care for her in her old age (or sooner if she makes poor choices that are damaging her health).

PsychoSyd · 15/04/2025 07:48

Pop over to the Stately Homes thread in Relationships. You are not alone 💐

expat321 · 15/04/2025 07:53

I feel the exact same way about my DM.

I want to give my teenage self a giant hug and wipe her tears and tell her that her mother's behaviour was not normal.

I have a lot of resentment.

TheStigarette · 15/04/2025 08:00

You sound like you might be the family scapegoat.
Something about you saying how you feel doesn't align with how you think you should feel.
Your siblings might have had a different experience from you with everyone comfortable with projecting anything negative onto you so the facade can be maintained.
Look up family scapegoat and see if it makes sense and rings true. I've found it helpful for understanding why i feel how i do.

Comtesse · 15/04/2025 08:05

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I think it might really help. Hope you will be out if there soon….

gloriousrhino · 15/04/2025 08:28

Please don't feel guilty. It takes an awful lot of bad treatment by parent/s to bring a child to this point as we can be endlessly forgiving. But now you've admitted to yourself that this is how you feel, it's ok.

My mother was the same. Everyone thought she was a sweet kind sympathetic woman, but to me - a nasty, critical, judgemental, jealous prison warder. All her bad feelings were poured over me and it has poisoned me throughout my life.

As others have said, look up Narcissism online, look at the Stately Homes thread and prepare for lightbulb moments! I always thought there was something wrong with me and if I tried harder it would be ok. When I read all that stuff I realised none of it was anything to do with me.

Cynic17 · 15/04/2025 08:45

Mothers are just people, OP. So some we like, and some we dislike. It's tough when it's your own mother, but it's not wrong or unusual.
Unfortunately, we live in a society that has developed a bit of a sentimental "cult" of motherhood, so saying that one dislikes one's mother is frowned upon. But be honest with yourself, at least, and try to cut down the amount of contact you have with her. You will feel better for it.

TheHistorian · 15/04/2025 08:48

@Coocoopachu is moving away an option? Distance is your best tool in a dysfunctional family. I used to hate my mother. Distance and therapy has led me to a very accurate picture of what she is and I can honestly say I have gained peace and total indifference towards her. Mine was the covert 'lovely to everyone else' type. Scapegoated me though. Interestingly my brother suffered the treatment when I left.