Should I be a bridesmaid or end the friendship?

[Bridesmaidorexfriend]

I have a friendship group of 4 people, I’m really close with two of them (let’s call them
Rachel and Phoebe) and the other (Monica) I’ve just never clicked with. I don’t dislike her but I get the impression she resents my part in the group.

Over the years there have been times where the three of them meet up and don’t include me, and it’s always when Monica has arranged the meet up, I try not to get upset because people are allowed different friendship dynamics etc but it always made me feel like a bit of a loser.

Well last year Phoebe and Rachel both got engaged (not to each other) and were all bridesmaids. We went on the hen dos and Monica drove and she made a point of telling me I needed to give her petrol money. Which I had always planned to do, didn’t think anything of it, but later she made another comment about me, and I can’t remember what it was now, but I got the distinct feeling that they had been talking about me behind my back. There were a number of sly digs that weekend and i remember feeling really on edge and tried to tell myself I was imagining things.

When we planned the other persons hen we spoke about doing a joint personal present for the bride and I said that’s a great idea, it wasn’t mentioned again, and closer to the time I realised that they had done that without me.

I was a student at the time and really had no money, but I paid for my place on both hens and paid for my shoes and accessories that they’d picked. Money was tight but I don’t feel like I wasn’t paying my way. As a student I didnt have a car and so before the first wedding I spoke about how everyone was getting there and realised that embarrassingly I’d assumed we would go together but no one was able to offer me a lift. It was out of area but I managed to arrange something anyway. I then got quite a nasty message of Monica about it.

I didn’t want to go to the wedding this point, the way I viewed it was that Monica had never been rude to me before, I had vibes, but for her to be this rude to me recently I believe that’s because she feels she has permission because they are talking about me behind my back.

I went, it was awkward but then it was fine, I having a good time when Monica kept coming to get me for bridesmaid duty’s. (Things that she had taken it on herself to organise when there were staff there, but was happy to help) So I’d go and do what I was asked and she would go off, the other bridesmaid joined me and we were laughing and joking around and she came back and went mental at us both saying we were terrible bridesmaid because we were enjoying ourselves and not taking it seriously. But the bride had been with us and she was having a great time. I think she was annoyed that the other bridesmaid wasn’t ostracising me. I burst in to tears and being tipsy admitted to Phoebe that I wished I hadn’t come due to the vibes I’d been getting, she didn’t say anything to that, didn’t ask what I meant or anything.

Not spoken to either bridesmaid since, the bride apologised about it and said that Monica should never have had a go at us and that she had felt we had all been fantastic bridesmaids and she’d had an amazing day.

I don’t want to go to the next wedding, which is a while away. I don’t even think I want to be friends with them anymore. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong and if I’m honest I don’t want to know. There will be something, I don’t think they’ve turned on me for nothing, but at this point I think I’d rather never know because I will just beat myself up about it and I feel like I can’t move past how I’ve been treated anyway. I feel like I’m back at school with the mean girls. Should I just cut my losses?

Clearly Monica is a total bitch who has turned the others against you. The others aren’t good friends if they’ve allowed that to happen. Ditch them all. You’re worth more.

If they are making you feel shit then I would distance myself. I am sorry that Monica has been such a cow. I can guarantee it's not just you. I imagine with you gone, someone else will be in the firing line . She sounds like a bully

Yes I agree Monica is a total bitch and doesn't like you for probably no reason at all, that is just how some people are. Sadly I think you're better off to ditch the lot of them.

Yes I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of being their scapegoat anymore.

When is the wedding, whose wedding is it and what have you been invited to?

Have you seen any of them since the last wedding and how long ago was that?

First posts nail it.

Sounds like very immature behaviour, but a lot of people don't grow up.

Life is too short for these childish games so it seems a healthy instinct to move away from this situation. It will create space to make friends with people who are mature and respectful. Also if you step away it gives these women a chance to reflect and there's nothing to stop them from approaching you to talk or acknowlege what happened, but honestly, don't hold your breath.

Fuck'em. Why put yourself through shit like this for people who treat you so badly? Walk away and let them stew in their own school playground. These aren't friends. Good friends don't do this. Monica may be the worst, but the others aren't innocent either.

Make the decision to only have people in your life who bring positive things. Leave all the others behind.

I wouldn't waste anymore time or money on these people. They sound horrible and they certainly aren't your friends.

I agree with PP, even if you have done something that’s annoyed them - expecting lifts or not buying a round or something, it’s not an excuse to bully you. Which it sounds like they were. I think it’s good you can see that it’s not just Monica who is wrong here, but everyone. If I could see that someone in my friendship group was bulling one of my other friends I wouldn’t stay friends with the bully.

Cut your loses.

It was Rachel’s wedding. I’m also supposed to be bridesmaid at Phoebe’s which is later in the year. But it’s been a few weeks since the wedding but not heard from Phoebe or Monica. No apology from Monica. Rachel has sent a message just to say she’s had a nice honeymoon etc.

Its reassuring that everyone is saying my instincts are right. I will wait and see what happens over the next few weeks but my guess is Pheobe feels uncomfortable speaking to me because I made it clear that I knew something was going on at the wedding and if I was wrong I think she’d have asked me what I meant and reassured me that there were no ‘vibes’.

Like I say in many of these threads it all sounds very immature so I would leave them to it and be the grown up i am, who has time for all this childishness? Don't people work these days or have housework to do?

You can bet your bottom dollar Monica was the bitchy school bully, and hasn't grown out of it as an adult. I know it's easy to say but think upon it, that Monica must be a deeply unhappy woman, to go out of her way to be bitchy and nasty to another person. Feel sorry for her, that in order to feel better about herself, she feels the need to make someone else feel bad. Rachel and Phoebe aren't true friends either, because they shouldn't be going along with her behaviour. When a friendship is making you feel sad, anxious and bad about yourself, it's time to shut that friendship down. Friendships should enhance your life, not drag it down. Draw a line under the friendship. If you have been or are asked to be a bridesmaid at the next wedding, decline. If a wedding invitation arrives, then you reply with a 'Regret' card, it's all pre-printed - just add bride/groom name's and yours at the end. You aren't obliged to give a reason. Distance yourself from the friend group, and no longer be available to attend any day/nights out. Eventually, they will stop asking. Find yourself new friends, who are worthy of you.

Blondine why spread such bad vibes? Why dont you go do your housework instead? You dont have to comment “like you always do”! 🙄

Thanks everyone, it’s good to confirm that I’m doing the right thing. Will really miss the friendships with Rachel and Phoebe always thought of them as good friends, but I agree that if they were good friends they’d have stood up for me. Also, I don’t think Monica would have acted this way unless she felt emboldened by the opinions of the others so there were obviously deep cracks in our friendship anyway. Will concentrate on other friendships from now on. Thank you

OP, this is another one of those baffling Mn situations where someone appears to be longterm friends with someone they simply don’t like, and who doesn’t like them.

Honestly, I’d just step back permanently from the whole mess. It doesn’t sound as if you’re enjoying any aspect of that friendship group any more.And in future, don’t drift into friendship groups with people you don’t get on with.

OK. So Monica clearly doesn't like you and is trying to push you out of the group. But what on earth has Rachel done, other than try her best to reassure you when you got upset at her wedding, apologise to you when she did nothing wrong at her wedding, and send you a message? Why would you ditch her?

As for Pheobe, she's done nothing either, has she, other than not message you. Did you message her, or do you think it was up to her because you were upset when Monica told you BOTH off?

You're supposed to be the women's bridesmaid but are planning on bailing because of another person upsetting you? I think you're being unfair to both these women.

As for Monica, you need to stick up for yourself. Why are you letting her drive a wedge between you and the others? Be more assertive, take responsibility for things. Don't assume other people will be organising lifts and gifts for you to share in. If you like R and P, then reach out and arrange to see them.

i’m not sure. Monica is clearly a bad egg but for the other 2 to ask you to be a bridesmaid they must value your friendship. I would ask the bride who apologized what on earth is going on. Ask her face to face and put her on the spot so she has to answer. I wouldn’t walk away from friendships like that without trying to understand.

Be prepared to ditch them though if they aren’t honest with you.

This! ⬆️

You're an adult & don't have to put up with this 'mean girls high school' shit anymore.

You sound lovely & they don't deserve you - walk away & find nicer people!

I agree with all this.

So you don't / didn't want to go to two of your closest friends weddings because of bad vibes you were getting off someone else?

And you cried and told one of your friends that is also getting married soon that you didn't want to be at the wedding of one of your best mates but didn't really explain why?

And the bride apologized for Monica and thanked you for being a bridesmaid but that's not enough?

Monica is a dick but I don't think the other two have done a thing wrong. You come across quite high maintenance tbh.

These aren't 'your people' - listen to your instincts, that's what they are there for.

Exactly this. Monica should fuck off.

Hi OP

Have Rachael and Phoebe done anything or said anything to you? Or have they just not got involved? What kind of thing has Monica done or said when you think they should have said something? And have you ever said something? They can't really have a go at her for not liking you but they can if she is treating you horribly. But it sounds like she is probably doing things fairly overtly, so it's deniable? And if you have never said anything then they don't realise how bad you feel about it? If I was Phoebe I wouldn't have said anything at the wedding either, it's not really the time or the place.

Just wondering if there is anything that can be salvaged with the other two. If you said its obvious Monica doesn't like you, you'd still like to be friends with them and see them separately and see if it ever happens. Just if that'd a possibility, then I wouldn't not go to the wedding as the narrative will be that the friendship will be over because you binned off their wedding, not because someone has been subtly bullying you for ages.

*covertly!

It’s hard to explain the feeling I’ve been getting around them. I’d say that Monica was more overt and the others were less so. Like the hen do, there were multiple jokes and digs by Monica, and Phoebe and Rachel were there and heard, they just took no notice or laughed depending on what she’d said. It was just different as we’re not the type normally to be bitchy with one another and I really noticed it because it was the start of something having changed. I tried to ignore it as thought I could be imagining it.

But then leading up to the other hen the joint present we had agree to organise was obviously taken out of the group chat and in to their individual chat, and I wasn’t told I was no longer involved until I asked about it and was told oh we’ve done it already and I had to go out and find a new present idea. No explanation when I asked. By this point I was feeling on edge so just accepted it.

There was always a day out with the hairdresser doing our hair. The three of them went and had a day out and had a trial of their hair and make up and I wasn’t told about it or invited.

In the run up to the wedding the only time I heard from any of them was checking that I’d got the things I needed to be bridesmaid. Practicalities only. No friendship stuff. When I would message I never really got much back. So before the wedding it already felt like I was on the outside. So there’s no mean comments by Phoebe and Rachel but the lack of involving me in things I think speaks volumes.

I feel a little bit crazy to be honest, like maybe I have imagined half of it, but then the wedding just confirmed everything I’d been worried about. When I first got there there was an atmosphere but I just cracked on with helping set up and getting ready and I noticed Phoebe thawed towards me and it felt more normal, Rachel was fine but obviously busy with her wedding. Then Monica spent most of her evening bossing me around. The following day Phoebe and Monica were fine with one another and were eating breakfast together. I’ve not heard from either since.

They sound horrible, all of them by association. As you'll need to let Phoebe know if you decide not to be her bridesmaid, you might as well be very open about why.