Should I be a bridesmaid or end the friendship?

[Bridesmaidorexfriend]

I have a friendship group of 4 people, I’m really close with two of them (let’s call them
Rachel and Phoebe) and the other (Monica) I’ve just never clicked with. I don’t dislike her but I get the impression she resents my part in the group.

Over the years there have been times where the three of them meet up and don’t include me, and it’s always when Monica has arranged the meet up, I try not to get upset because people are allowed different friendship dynamics etc but it always made me feel like a bit of a loser.

Well last year Phoebe and Rachel both got engaged (not to each other) and were all bridesmaids. We went on the hen dos and Monica drove and she made a point of telling me I needed to give her petrol money. Which I had always planned to do, didn’t think anything of it, but later she made another comment about me, and I can’t remember what it was now, but I got the distinct feeling that they had been talking about me behind my back. There were a number of sly digs that weekend and i remember feeling really on edge and tried to tell myself I was imagining things.

When we planned the other persons hen we spoke about doing a joint personal present for the bride and I said that’s a great idea, it wasn’t mentioned again, and closer to the time I realised that they had done that without me.

I was a student at the time and really had no money, but I paid for my place on both hens and paid for my shoes and accessories that they’d picked. Money was tight but I don’t feel like I wasn’t paying my way. As a student I didnt have a car and so before the first wedding I spoke about how everyone was getting there and realised that embarrassingly I’d assumed we would go together but no one was able to offer me a lift. It was out of area but I managed to arrange something anyway. I then got quite a nasty message of Monica about it.

I didn’t want to go to the wedding this point, the way I viewed it was that Monica had never been rude to me before, I had vibes, but for her to be this rude to me recently I believe that’s because she feels she has permission because they are talking about me behind my back.

I went, it was awkward but then it was fine, I having a good time when Monica kept coming to get me for bridesmaid duty’s. (Things that she had taken it on herself to organise when there were staff there, but was happy to help) So I’d go and do what I was asked and she would go off, the other bridesmaid joined me and we were laughing and joking around and she came back and went mental at us both saying we were terrible bridesmaid because we were enjoying ourselves and not taking it seriously. But the bride had been with us and she was having a great time. I think she was annoyed that the other bridesmaid wasn’t ostracising me. I burst in to tears and being tipsy admitted to Phoebe that I wished I hadn’t come due to the vibes I’d been getting, she didn’t say anything to that, didn’t ask what I meant or anything.

Not spoken to either bridesmaid since, the bride apologised about it and said that Monica should never have had a go at us and that she had felt we had all been fantastic bridesmaids and she’d had an amazing day.

I don’t want to go to the next wedding, which is a while away. I don’t even think I want to be friends with them anymore. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong and if I’m honest I don’t want to know. There will be something, I don’t think they’ve turned on me for nothing, but at this point I think I’d rather never know because I will just beat myself up about it and I feel like I can’t move past how I’ve been treated anyway. I feel like I’m back at school with the mean girls. Should I just cut my losses?

Based on your update I'd be withdrawing as a bridesmaid. I'd simply tell the bride that you've decided it would be better if she chooses someone that Monica can stand to be around and is willing to include because the last wedding wasn't a pleasant experience because of her obvious dislike. If the bride, buoyed up by Monica, throws a hissy fit and disinvites you from the wedding for daring to step down, then you have your answer about whether you're really good friends with any of them. But if the bride understands and is happy for you to just be a guest, you might be able to forge a separate friendship with her and the other one that involves seeing them less and not seeing Monica at all. In the meantime, definitely focus on other friendships that are less contentious.

@Bridesmaidorexfriend it sounds like the friendship has perhaps run it's course but there's no point exiting without an explanation.

I would message Phoebe and ask her if she knows what Monica's problem is with you and what you've done wrong to deserve such aggressive treatment from her with no apology. I'd say you're not aware of having done anything wrong so Monica's hostility is unpleasant and making you feel very uncomfortable.

You might find you get a helpful reply. If she doesn't respond kindly then you have your answer.

But leaving the friendship group without TRYING to get to the bottom of Monica's problem would be foolish.

I would like ait and if they get in touch about Pheobies wedding message her personally and say that while you would love to be part of the day and don't want to let her down you are respectful pulling out due to he way Monica has treated you over the past few years and made you feel like she has been talking about you behind your back etc and that you are worth more than that/ life's to short etc but you hope she has a lovely day.

I’m only on this thread for the creative misspellings of Phoebe.

I would be honest with the bride to be and excuse yourself from wedding duties. She's a bully and unlikely to change her ways.
Life's too short to deal with this nonsense, if they were really your friends , they would have stuck up for you. To exclude you from present giving and days out is so hurtful and isolating.
This is not healthy friendships. You deserve better friends.

I agree with this. If the friendship is likely dead anyway then why not try and get some answers.

I would try and meet up with either Rachel or Phoebe and ask for really brutal honesty. You have nothing to lose.

Good friends would not let another friend treat you like shit! So none of them can be qualified as a "good friend". You're better of without them.

Sadly, I have been in this situation twice.

Once I was at university, and there was a similar Monica involved. I wracked my brains trying to think of what I had possibly done to offend her. The only reason I could think of, was that when we chose bedrooms, I was lucky enough to be able to choose first and chose the best bedroom. She turned the other two against me, and they clearly didn’t give a shit about me, and acted similarly to your friends here.

I then had a similar wedding situation where I was one of three bridesmaids. Around six months after the wedding I realised that they’d all been meeting up without me. Apparently, I’ve said something awful to the bride on the day. No one ever raised it with me, and I was absolutely mortified. I still do not know to this day, what I said. The one friend I asked said she ‘didn’t want to get involved’.

I am no longer friends any of these people. I’m extremely glad of that. They are not a true friend.

It’s not all Monica‘s fault. If someone was a true friend, they would not speak negatively about you behind your back.

You need to back out of this. And cut ties with these people. I promise you, it is the right thing to do

Letting the friendships go is not going to make you feel any worse than you do now so definitely worth thinking about.
However, could you not grab a meet with just one of them and say exactly what you have said here. Start by apologising if you have done something to upset them but could she let you know what exactly it is. That way, if you do decide to drop them all at least it won't be playing on your mind. Hope you're OK 💐

This sounds horrible, I'd leave them to it. Either Phoebe or Rachel will be the next target, you meanwhile will be oblivious. You sound like you've got your head screwed on.

This thread is from April. Things will have moved on.

Yes can see this is old thread. However have to add, never open a conversation as recommended above by apologising for an unknown reason Why would you apologise for them being horrible? I would never apologise for no reason.