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Original poster

To still be struggling so much

39 replies

Cheeseypastaa · 14/04/2025 14:15

I ended my 18 year relationship around a year ago, 2 kids (4 and 7) I still have days where I cry and have been on a few dates but I am not interested. Everybody I speak to says I should be so happy right now as I ended the relationship (I didn’t want to he just checked out of family life) I think I expected him to beg for his family but he didn’t. Anyway I am still not ready for nights out with the girls/dates etc as I don’t want to make poor choices when I’ve had a drink as I’m still fragile.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeseypastaa · 14/04/2025 14:17

He moved on within 3 weeks and introduced the kids to her and it really hurt. Why does he get to move on and I’m struggling?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 14/04/2025 14:19

Because he’s a thoughtless prick who cares only about himself?
he’s not even grieved your relationship - well he has and was probably planning his exit long before he did so he’d made peace with it
its cruel and reflects badly only on him
a year is nothing - focus on you, what you want from a future relationship and invest in yourself

Original poster
Cheeseypastaa · 14/04/2025 14:28

rubyslippers · 14/04/2025 14:19

Because he’s a thoughtless prick who cares only about himself?
he’s not even grieved your relationship - well he has and was probably planning his exit long before he did so he’d made peace with it
its cruel and reflects badly only on him
a year is nothing - focus on you, what you want from a future relationship and invest in yourself

Yes but he has come out on top hasn’t he as I’m still really struggling. I wish I would have done the same!

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rubyslippers · 14/04/2025 14:34

Cheeseypastaa · 14/04/2025 14:28

Yes but he has come out on top hasn’t he as I’m still really struggling. I wish I would have done the same!

Show quote history

I don’t think he has come out on top
its not a competition
he's still a crappy person
hard as it is, dont think about him - what does you life look like now and what can it? Plan something for yourself that will make you feel good and repeat that 💐

Original poster
Cheeseypastaa · 14/04/2025 15:30

So a year isn’t a long time?

I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me as family and friends are saying I should be welL over it by now

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Itiswhysofew · 14/04/2025 15:36

It's different for everyone. Don't pressure yourself to conform. Take your time and see where life takes you.

Do you think counseling would help? Talking about yourself to a professional could reveal what would benefit you.Flowers

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 14/04/2025 15:52

Not sure how old you are OP but please know this.
Anyone, man or woman, has who moves on so quickly from a relationship, especially a long one, learns nothing. While it may all look fun and shiny, the fact is that person takes their same, tired old crap into the next situation. At some point it rears its head again.
What you are going through now is actually the healthy way of doing it, even though it feels bloody awful. You are not jumping into anything, you are grieving the loss but in time you will have also reflected on what didn’t work last time around.
When time has passed and you meet someone you’d like to pursue things with, those reflections will be so valuable to you.
What happens when you jump into something new is that you just repeat the same patterns. The other person is new, but your history isn’t.
I did not learn any of this until I was mid 40’s, and finally the penny dropped. Met someone great and I had really understood why things hadn’t worked before.
You often meet people - in your case your ex - where they just repeat the same stuff. They go from relationship to the next one with no gap, but really the person they meet isn’t even that important. It’s just the new, next person.

Original poster
Cheeseypastaa · 14/04/2025 16:22

So it is possible that he completely got over the relationship before I ended it?

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PeggyMitchellsCameo · 14/04/2025 17:14

Cheeseypastaa · 14/04/2025 16:22

So it is possible that he completely got over the relationship before I ended it?

We have these views of getting over relationships. But it’s very different.
He may have been not satisfied with the relationship in some way and that does happen in lots of relationships for all sorts of reasons - people change/grow apart/develop different interests.
But when someone basically seeks out another relationship, in any way at all, they aren’t dealing with what’s happening. It takes two to tango, so there will have been things he was doing which were contributing to his own unhappiness.
They weren’t ‘fixed’ by moving on from you into another relationship. They are just masked. And glossed over with new fun times with a shiny new person.
But they are still there. And if you don’t recognise them, you repeat them.
For you, you did the right thing by ending things. You recognise that this was a long relationship with two children involved.
If two people find themselves at an impasse in a relationship, but work on it together, there’s a chance that they can save it. If they can’t, they’ve given it a chance. It’s very sad, but that is life.
But when one person switches it tends to be something they are trying to fix within themselves. And while they try to fix it with someone new, they are fixing nothing.
Look at the statistics on how second and third marriages fail.
I hope that makes some sense.

Watermill · 14/04/2025 17:18

I definitely don’t think you should rush into another relationship, but it seems sad that you don’t want to socialise with your friends.

Do they really only go out to clubs getting pissed and picking up men? If so, you need better friends!!

Surely you can go to the cinema/theatre/dinner/coffee with friends, assuming you have childcare?

Life is short and you need to be living yours properly. Find some pockets of happiness 💐

StrangerOnline · 14/04/2025 17:35

Cheeseypastaa · 14/04/2025 14:17

He moved on within 3 weeks and introduced the kids to her and it really hurt. Why does he get to move on and I’m struggling?

He really shouldn’t have done that, and it just shows how irresponsible he is. Although that may also have been a coping mechanism on his part because he was struggling on his own?

Bottom line is you are being very mature and sensible (recognising that you are likely to make poor decisions after a few drinks) and you’re putting your children first.

Honestly, a year is really not very long time, especially when you are very much caught up in looking after small children and their daily lives. It’s natural that you are still struggling if you were actually hoping to try and salvage the relationship. You say he had checked out of family life before he moved out so be patient and now give yourself some time to grieve the end of the life you thought you were going to have. There is no such thing as a definite timeline. It takes as long as it takes.

And do take advantage of your family and friends support. I’m sure they mean to be encouraging when they are expecting you to be happier without him.
For now, try and concentrate on enjoying the good things.

bigboykitty · 14/04/2025 17:43

Although you ended the relationship, it sounds like he very much forced your hand and had someone waiting in the wings. I think that's a very different situation to someone just deciding they are done with a relationship and ending it. It was a very long relationship too. Your friends and family have not been very understanding, in my view. Maybe they are struggling because they see you as wallowing in your misery - I don't know. I don't think that you should be over this by now, but maybe it's time to seek counselling and find a safe space to explore your loss and betrayal and work through your feelings. Is that something you would think about doing?

Original poster
Cheeseypastaa · 14/04/2025 18:20

bigboykitty · 14/04/2025 17:43

Although you ended the relationship, it sounds like he very much forced your hand and had someone waiting in the wings. I think that's a very different situation to someone just deciding they are done with a relationship and ending it. It was a very long relationship too. Your friends and family have not been very understanding, in my view. Maybe they are struggling because they see you as wallowing in your misery - I don't know. I don't think that you should be over this by now, but maybe it's time to seek counselling and find a safe space to explore your loss and betrayal and work through your feelings. Is that something you would think about doing?

Yes luckily I get counselling with work for free so I will look into it.

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Original poster
Cheeseypastaa · 15/04/2025 11:09

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 14/04/2025 17:14

We have these views of getting over relationships. But it’s very different.
He may have been not satisfied with the relationship in some way and that does happen in lots of relationships for all sorts of reasons - people change/grow apart/develop different interests.
But when someone basically seeks out another relationship, in any way at all, they aren’t dealing with what’s happening. It takes two to tango, so there will have been things he was doing which were contributing to his own unhappiness.
They weren’t ‘fixed’ by moving on from you into another relationship. They are just masked. And glossed over with new fun times with a shiny new person.
But they are still there. And if you don’t recognise them, you repeat them.
For you, you did the right thing by ending things. You recognise that this was a long relationship with two children involved.
If two people find themselves at an impasse in a relationship, but work on it together, there’s a chance that they can save it. If they can’t, they’ve given it a chance. It’s very sad, but that is life.
But when one person switches it tends to be something they are trying to fix within themselves. And while they try to fix it with someone new, they are fixing nothing.
Look at the statistics on how second and third marriages fail.
I hope that makes some sense.

Show quote history

Yes that makes sense. I have also applied for CMS so I don’t have to contact him as when the payment is late and I call him he accuses me of still loving him.

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Original poster
Cheeseypastaa · 15/04/2025 20:05

How long did it take you to come to terms with it all? Some days I’m ok and some are awful

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PeggyMitchellsCameo · 15/04/2025 21:33

I have never been through what you have OP.
Have been around a few friends who have and I think at your stage in life it takes a good couple of years.

Original poster
Cheeseypastaa · 16/04/2025 09:04

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 15/04/2025 21:33

I have never been through what you have OP.
Have been around a few friends who have and I think at your stage in life it takes a good couple of years.

Oh bloodyhell! It’s just so annoying how he moved on and is ok and I’m still broken by it all

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GreyCarpet · 16/04/2025 09:12

Yes but he has come out on top hasn’t he as I’m still really struggling. I wish I would have done the same!

As hard as it feels right now, you have to care less about what he is doing and more about taking care of yourself.

What he is doing doesn't matter. There is no need for comparison.

Eventually, that will come but you have to actively stop thinking about him, what he is doing and his choices.

You will be ok x

GreyCarpet · 16/04/2025 09:16

Cheeseypastaa · 15/04/2025 11:09

Yes that makes sense. I have also applied for CMS so I don’t have to contact him as when the payment is late and I call him he accuses me of still loving him.

Show quote history

Yeah, he's really not moved on all that much has he?

If he had, he'd be behaving like a grown up.

Why not reframe it to yourself?

He might have checked out of family life but will have convinced himself you wouldn't end it because you wouldn't cope on your own, or because you still loved him, or because you wouldn't want to break up the family, or whatever other nonsense he told himself.

Except you did.

So now he has to show you how much better his life is and accuse you of still being in love with him because that's how he makes himself feel better.

If he were a decent person who had actually moved on, he'd pay the maintenance on time and apologise when he didn't. Not this nonsense.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 16/04/2025 09:18

I think it’s about perception.
He hasn’t moved on in a healthy way. He has jumped ship. You could literally bet your house on 2/3 years he will have issues.
While you feel broken, you are not broken. You are hurt and grieving.
If you have the funds treat yourself to Rosie Green’s book (I think it’s called ‘How To Heal
A Broken Heart’) it’s fantastic.
She used to write a magazine column about her perfect family life. It was warm and funny. She had been with her DH since Uni. Kids. All going well.
Then one day her husband, with no prior warning, walked into their home, packed a bag and left.
She had no idea what was going on or what had been wrong.
I can remember her writing about how it affected her - she couldn’t eat or sleep and to say he was unkind is an understatement.
She has documented her journey since and it’s a great read. She’s on Instagram and has a website as well.
Eventually, after a few bad dates she did meet her new partner and is so happy but it took a while.
There is life on the other side of all this.

Original poster
Cheeseypastaa · 16/04/2025 12:29

It’s just so rubbish having to deal with them taking the kids on holiday so soon, I mean I know it’s been a year now but this was happening right at the beginning. He has deleted me on almost everything and blocked my number (have no idea why) they go on holidays together at least mince a month and look like they have such a good relationship. I know I can’t moan as I ended it. How can he just so easily walk away like we meant nothing?

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 16/04/2025 12:49

Cheeseypastaa · 16/04/2025 12:29

It’s just so rubbish having to deal with them taking the kids on holiday so soon, I mean I know it’s been a year now but this was happening right at the beginning. He has deleted me on almost everything and blocked my number (have no idea why) they go on holidays together at least mince a month and look like they have such a good relationship. I know I can’t moan as I ended it. How can he just so easily walk away like we meant nothing?

Well he’s not walked away from your children if he’s taking care of them when he has them.
Sadly, for you at least, he has ended his time with you.
That relationship had meaning but it’s time for you not to move on but find a new path.
You deserve better than to waste your one precious life on the what if’s.
The only way to do that is to create new memories - with your children, family, friends.

Watermill · 16/04/2025 12:57

I don’t understand what you mean. You ended the relationship. He has every right to walk away and move on with someone else. It doesn’t mean you meant nothing, just that you don’t mean much to him now, which is understandable.

You say “us” but he is still spending time with his children. In what way is he treating them as though they mean nothing?

GreyCarpet · 16/04/2025 13:09

How can he just so easily walk away like we meant nothing?

This really is your sign that you need to move in.

He still has a relationship with his children. He no longer has a relationship with you. That doesn't mean you meant nothing but that chapter has closed now. You need to close it too. At the moment, you're staring at blank pages wondering why they're empty, meanwhile, he is writing a whole new book.

And he has a right to do that. Because you ended the relationship.

Original poster
Cheeseypastaa · 16/04/2025 14:54

He left me no choice. He would spend weekends at festivals with this woman who was apparently nothing compared to me but now he is with her

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