To still be struggling so much

[Cheeseypastaa]

I ended my 18 year relationship around a year ago, 2 kids (4 and 7) I still have days where I cry and have been on a few dates but I am not interested. Everybody I speak to says I should be so happy right now as I ended the relationship (I didn’t want to he just checked out of family life) I think I expected him to beg for his family but he didn’t. Anyway I am still not ready for nights out with the girls/dates etc as I don’t want to make poor choices when I’ve had a drink as I’m still fragile.

So what do you want to happen here?

He prefers her. Maybe they are better suited? You can’t want to go back to that horrible situation you were in. You did the right thing by ending it.

So you have to move forward with your life now, as he has. See friends, family. Concentrate on your career, your hobbies, your self development.

I just feel really crappy that I chose the wrong partner/father for my kids and didn’t want a broken home.

@Cheeseypastaa you have to grieve when a relationship ends, no matter how shite it was. Everyone is different, so some people might move on quickly, others it takes longer. Just take things at your own pace and don't let it get you down x

if I didn’t have children with him it would be easy, it’s the guilt that I have for them

@Cheeseypastaa how old are your little ones x is he still seeing them or is he too busy. Hugs hun it does get easier x

They are 7 and 4 and yes he has them twice per week but my 7 year old DD said she is fed up spending time with the new woman every time she goes to her dads.

This.

It sounds cruel, OP, I'm sure but there is an eleiment of dusting yourself and getting on with it now.

I always say on these threads that l, what helped me, was a line from The Shawshank Redemption - you can get busy living or get busy dying.

The choice really is yours.

Your guilt isn't helping your children. What will help them is to have a vital and happy mum who is living her life well.

You can't go back, you can only go forwards.

I understand the guilt. I managed to do it twice!

But the guilt isn't going to help your children. Or you. So you make peace with that and resolve to he the best version of you that you can be going forwards. Even if it feels like wading through treacle at times.

yes I completely agree. I would never ever go back so what is the point. It’s just not how I thought my life would be

His behaviour that led to you breaking the relationship is the cause of this, not you. I understand why you feel you've let your children down by depriving them of a family where they live with two parents, but it is what it is and moving forward is the only way. You are grieving the loss of the expectation of what you thought your life would be, but you will get past this and find a new life which could well be much happier.

In moving on so quickly, it sounds like he wanted something shiny and new but really he's just trying to make himself feel better and it may not work long term.

Don't try to date - you're not ready. But look for other ways to get some happiness - if your friends can't help, maybe try something new - a course or class, a new hobby, or just a day out somewhere you love. It sounds like you have some free time (maybe when the children are with him?). Use that to do something that will uplift you (don't catch up on chores!).

Try not to worry about the broken home narrative.
I think children are better off with parents who are apart than ones who are living together unhappily.
I am sure your children are loved and well cared for.
But this is your time now.
I am not sure how old you are but don’t waste valuable time.
After leaving an awful situation - no kids - in my early 30’s I went into a tailspin and stayed in it for far too long. I am two decades on now and I wish I could go back and tell myself!
One thing I have noticed from your writing - and it’s common on MN - there is very little about you as a person.
Yes, you as a wife and now an ex and you as a mum. It’s easy to lose yourself.
There was a thread on here before Christmas which many of us followed of a lady who’d spent her whole life with a man. They had grown up children. She’d completely lost herself in it all, and he left. And she really was broken.
The fact that you are young (and you will be to me) means you have many years to go.
So what if your ex prefers Festival Fiona? You did the right thing in ending it, rather than putting up with shitty behaviour.
Remember that. At a crucial moment, you did the right thing.
Time to find that inner strength again.

Thank you so much

No he hasn’t come out on top, you have no idea what he thinks about either when the relationship ended or now. You need to move on and start living your ice as it is without him. This ongoing pity me poor me he’s moved on I haven’t it’s been a year look at him - will ruin you and your life an your friends will eventually (if they haven’t already)start moving away from you.

He probably has not come out on top. Its such early days yet, and he rushed into another relationship on the rebound - never a recipe for another relationship. You are doing much the wiser way - get yourself in a good place, treat yourself well, bolster your self-esteem in meaningful ways, do some things that you really enjoy - never mind anyone else - just what you like. i hope you really enjoy life this spring and summer.

Thanks. I just never thought this would happen I suppose