AIBU to not want to go abroad with my FIL?

[Lollylucyclark101]

We are a family of 4. Me and my husband have been together 10 years. I have a son(17) he has a daughter(12). My in-laws family isn’t large but there’s 2 sisters and my husband. MIL died a couple of years ago (RIP).

Husbands family always used to go aboard until MIL couldn’t due to medical issues, but then had holidays in the UK.

FIL hasn’t been aboard since 2016. He was diagnosed with MS in 2012/13, and now has really limited mobility. He lives on his own, uses a roller to get around the bungalow and has two mobility scooters (large for longer journeys and small for days out). He somewhat independent. We live 5 minutes away, so if he falls or need us in any way we can be there really quickly. But sometimes I get annoyed because what he’s done is stupid! ….. so once he got down on the floor to mess with something in his bedroom and got stuck between his bed and wardrobe. WHY WERE YOU DOWNTHERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?! When you KNOW you can’t get off the floor? 🙄we literally had to drag him out and lift him into a chair…. I have a degenerative spine disease which means I shouldn’t do any heavy lifting!

someone goes every day to look in on him and do jobs/cook dinner/clean etc (mostly me!) the one SIL does a lot too but the other doesn’t do much and she wouldn’t dream of taking him on holiday. He really needs carers to do the housework and make him meals, but he refuses and is content with us doing it? Which I find really selfish. He does nothing around the house for himself. Maybe puts in a microwave dinner…. And uses the loo. No cleaning, washing, vacuuming etc.

We took him away for a 4 night holiday in the UK in a caravan. It was a nightmare. He constantly fell over because he WOULD NOT take his scooter out and wanted to walk…. But he got tired and his legs just gave out…. he refused to shower…. Said it was too small (but could have managed with his sons help) did nothing but sit there and be waited on, we had to do all the cooking/cleaning. He refused to put on sunscreen and got burnt, then constantly moaned about it. We couldn’t do what we wanted to do, couldn’t go to the beach (the children where smaller so missed out)
Kept waking us up in the night falling against the walls of the caravan, then asking for help…. Because he hadn’t used his roller to go to the loo and had fallen.

Now I get, there’s some things he can’t help, like being slow…… but if we have planned a day out and ask you to be ready at 10 am….why are you getting UP at 10am? And yes…. You can help peel potato’s or carrots at the table sitting down, but you say no? He flat on refused to use his wheelchair and the one time we did, he sat with a face on him and was moody (it was a restaurant and his scooter wouldn’t have fit)

Anyway. I really didn’t enjoy that holiday. It wasn’t a holiday for me, I was stressed and anxious and I felt like a carer.

My husband nonchalantly mentioned going abroad last year and my FIL mentioned he wanted to come. My SIL started looking at 3/4 night holidays…(us 4, her 2 and my FIL). I really do not want to go abroad with my FIL. Not only will our share be £1000+, but we will need spending money too.

I dread getting him through the airport, because he won’t listen and be like “oh I can walk to the plane from the terminal”. He will also not be able to use the loo on the plane as it’s too small! We would take his small scooter… which he would have forgotten to charge….. he will not wear suncream and will want to go in the pools, although he can’t control his body and just floats off panicking…..will want to walk down the restaurants… and will end up with his legs giving way and fall…….I just can’t deal with it. His insurance was also sky high so he was paying more for the insurance than he was for the actual holiday and I know that I will be left looking after him.
it will be a little different I know… he will have his own disability friendly room, but I just KNOW he’s going to fall and knowing my luck will break something and end up in hospital….. my anxiety even writing this is making me pant! I don’t want to spend £1000s being a carer for someone else.

He is a lovely and kind man, but is very stubborn and “knows what he wants”…. But doesn’t want to acknowledge that his body is failing… and I get that, but surely if you’re falling over and injuring yourself you need to LISTEN to what people and doctors are saying to you?

We agreed to go away to Devon next month…. And I’m dreading it already. I’ve told my husband that if he doesn’t listen when I ask him to take his scooter places, then he’s just not coming, I know that sounds really mean!, but I care about him and don’t want him hurt! And if he’s not ready when we ask him to be he’s not coming.

they are looking to book this abroad holiday and I’ve told my husband I don’t want to go…. He thinks I’m being silly….. if he was more mobile and able to look after himself better then I would.

I don’t feel that I am being unreasonable, and rereading this it makes me sound really awful!……we are already going away this year with him for a short break and would take him away in the UK when he wants too, but I don’t want to go abroad with him.

I also, wouldn’t take my mom away abroad…She’s got no issues too.

am I just being horrible here?

Do you have any holidays without your FIL? It doesn't sounds very relaxing. If you won't enjoy it and can't really afford it, you should refuse to go. Your DH can go with his dad and his daughter.

" I have a degenerative spine disease which means I shouldn’t do any heavy lifting!"

You have to stop this. If you get injured on someone else's behalf, or speed up your spinal problems, it will be you paying the price in terms of pain and incapacity, and who will help you? My mother did something similar with her knee in her 40s and now can barely walk in her 60s.

You should be able to say no and be listened to, but I understand family dynamics don't always work that way.

Go to a doctor, explain you are getting anxiety, possible panic attacks (you mentioned breathing difficulties / panting) and dread (that comes across in your post). You maybe diagnosed with Anxiety and recommended medication...

Please make it clear to the doctor all the heavy lifting you are doing and the strain you are under physically due to DFIL's falling and all the cleaning you are doing as a carer. Please clearly describe your difficulty and do not minimise your pain. Your doctor will have advice...

Then tell your DH and his family you are following medical advice and can not do any caring duties for the old man involving your back AT ALL - no lifting, no cleaning, no carrying heavy things including shopping. That is over.

Take yourself out of the equation, then his kids will either have to fill the void you leave or make him get paid help.

As for the holiday, as PP said, if it's important for DH to take his father somewhere, that's his choice. He can go without you.

However, it is not fair or reasonable to ask you risk your health on his father's 'holiday' - both your spine (!!!!) and your mental health are being put at risk. You need to stop that.

Best of luck.

I wouldn't be going, but i would also be stepping back from doing any care for him, and making his own children do it. And probably it will force them to make decisions about how sensible it is to keep him in his home.

Can you get him to speak to someone at the MS society. Just to try and help him come to terms with his disability. Sometimes it's really hard for people to get their heads around.

As it is, I really wouldn't. So many countries are really really difficult to navigate if your mobility is rocky regardless if it's upright or using a wheelchair and I wouldn't guarantee on getting a decent hotel room.

There are lovely accessible villas but they don't come cheap and you need to do a bit of research. There also some really helpful Facebook groups if or when you want to bite the bullet.

Why are you providing so much care? Just stop, this is a job for his kids, leave it to your husband, then he might start to understand your point of view on his father alway coming along.

I absolutely agree. You are obviously very kind and you are being taken advantage of. Not fair at the best of times but particularly bad here - you have to look after your own health.

as per pp - you need to take yourself out of the equation. Don't go on holiday abroad - I'd be reconsidering the Devon trip. If you go and have set your boundaries then stick to them and don't back track. Leave DH with FIL and set of at the prescribed time with the kids.

And just stop. Whilst you are doing stuff no one else will and FIL will have no compulsion to buy in care. His other daughter sounds like she has excellent boundaries in place

Be the bad bugger if you have to.

Just stop doing so much

why on earth are you being such a martyr

he’s not even your own parent

Say no.

your dh and sol will probably put a lot of pressure on you. So get mentally prepared.

consider looking at the cockroach cage threads in elderly parents - there are a lot of people who have elderly parents who won’t help themselves and there’s mutual support there.

look after yourself

I wouldn’t go. Say your not going and suggest dd stays with you. Then book something separate for you and your dd.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers op the whole family is taking the piss. Tell them from x date you can't do this anymore due to your own health issues and mean it. They can arrange carers and if he refuses they can pick up the pieces. I would also absolutely not be going abroad with him.

Absolutely no way in hell would I go on holidays with him. It sounds like an utter nightmare. Let his kids take him and you stay home and rest

Omg he sounds like a stubborn nightmare.

You need to stop doing so much for him and make it clear he needs to do stuff himself or get a carer.

I'd also be quite blunt with him over the holiday saying that it's too stressful taking him as he doesn't follow instructions to help himself and ends up spoiling the holiday for everyone else.

Let your DH take his father alone to Devon.
He needs to learn how difficult that will be.

After they return, DH can discuss with you whether or not to go overseas. If DH still insists at least he will have had practise with looking after his father. Book your own room and do your own thing.

Why are you taking it upon yourself to do everything for him all the time??

I agree with pp. DH can take FIL on a holiday by himself first to see what it's actually like.

And if they insist on doing this holiday all together, well then you will just have to learn to say no, you won't be doing it. Everyone else can look after him. It sounds like you've done your bit many times over.

Please do this OP, it's excellent advice and you should follow it to the letter. You are obviously a lovely person and that is being taken total advantage of by your DH and his family, what on earth is your DH thinking to let you keep endangering your own health by lifting FIL etc?!

It's time to start protecting and caring for yourself OP because no one else is and it could have very serious repercussions with your spinal condition. No more holidays with FIL and a massive step back from the caring responsibilities is what needs to happen now, you've done more than enough and it's actually in everyone's best interests for FIL and the wider family to accept that professional care is needed now.

Yes, we have holidays as a family, and this is what I feel we should prioritise. We have already booked our holiday this year and next year abroad, so this would be an extra expense, which technically we can’t afford.

We don’t do “separate holiday’s”, if I don’t go, my husband won’t go. My husband is also disabled so cannot manage his dad alone, he understands and isn’t being mean about it. He’s very close to his dad especially after his mom passed away, and just wants to make memories which I understand.

I am already trying to take a step back anyway. I don’t do the housework or any of his heavy shopping and have said I can’t lift him any more.
I used to be a Nursing Home manager and can see that realistically he needs carers…. even if it’s just for the day to day/cleaning/meals etc and not personal care. We all struggle with keeping on top of his home, as well as our homes and our jobs. My husband does help, but is limited due to a physical disability and so does the sisters… although one does more than the other. FIL flat out refuses carers, but doesn’t see the pressure he’s putting on us.

I do have anxiety anyway, but it’s made a million times worse when I’m not listened too and then something happens (FIL not taking his wheelchair or scooter, thinking he can “walk that far”, then falling, it’s almost like taking to a small child! Who doesn’t want to do as asked).

I look after him as he’s “my dad”, after my father died in 2019.

It sounds like holidays away really aren't going to be viable any more.

You will need to help your husband to confront that fact and accept it. It's not easy to face it when life has to change but I think his memories with FIL are going to have to be made in a different way from now on. You simply cannot keep putting your own health and wellness at the very bottom of your priority list, and it's very wrong of your DH and your SIL to put you in that position. If SIL is in good health and wants to be FIL's carer whilst on holiday then that is fine, but you cannot do that.

FIL will also have to be shown that he needs to take responsibility for his own home and his own care. If he has the means to pay for carers then that's what he needs to do. Yes he's stubborn but you all running around after him enables that stubbornness and perpetuates it.

They do a lot for him too, my husband and 1 SIL does more than the other, but it’s split between the 3 of us really and it should be the 4 of us.
my husband has a physical disability and so he’s limited to what he can do, but yes I’ve already taken steps to “step back”…. My concern was the abroad holiday that he wants to go on. I have made the decision to say no. Regardless of how that makes me look. We can’t afford it for one, but two my worry and anxiety will be overwhelming in a different country.

FIL actually attends a MS meeting every week… which I think is just a support group. He knows he can’t do things, but does them anyway out of stubbornness….. then gets upset when something happens and I/we get upset.

He won’t let us go to see his consultant through, I remember my MIL telling me that he just fibbed to the doctor most the time he was there about what he can/can’t do. She kept having to interruption and he wouldn’t speak to her afterwards lol 😂

My husband and his other sister do the same as I do. My husband is slightly limited though as he has a physical disability. The other sister doesn’t do a lot and should.

he’s not my dad, but is a nice man and the other “father” I have after my own dad died in 2019.

What he needs is to be told that going away means certain rules including using a scooter (or wheelchair) using his walker etc. Giving him a set of expectations of what he will be doing to help eg peeling spuds etc. If he complies with the Devon trip rules then consider a short trip overseas that he finds for you, the airport will be fine as you book assistance, and stick to flights that are short so he won’t need the toilet

He isn't being a lovely kind man.

Stop being so available.

You have to look at it like parenting a teenager or a stubborn child. You're all actually making him worse by just pussyfooting around him.