AIBU to not want to go abroad with my FIL?

[Lollylucyclark101]

We are a family of 4. Me and my husband have been together 10 years. I have a son(17) he has a daughter(12). My in-laws family isn’t large but there’s 2 sisters and my husband. MIL died a couple of years ago (RIP).

Husbands family always used to go aboard until MIL couldn’t due to medical issues, but then had holidays in the UK.

FIL hasn’t been aboard since 2016. He was diagnosed with MS in 2012/13, and now has really limited mobility. He lives on his own, uses a roller to get around the bungalow and has two mobility scooters (large for longer journeys and small for days out). He somewhat independent. We live 5 minutes away, so if he falls or need us in any way we can be there really quickly. But sometimes I get annoyed because what he’s done is stupid! ….. so once he got down on the floor to mess with something in his bedroom and got stuck between his bed and wardrobe. WHY WERE YOU DOWNTHERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?! When you KNOW you can’t get off the floor? 🙄we literally had to drag him out and lift him into a chair…. I have a degenerative spine disease which means I shouldn’t do any heavy lifting!

someone goes every day to look in on him and do jobs/cook dinner/clean etc (mostly me!) the one SIL does a lot too but the other doesn’t do much and she wouldn’t dream of taking him on holiday. He really needs carers to do the housework and make him meals, but he refuses and is content with us doing it? Which I find really selfish. He does nothing around the house for himself. Maybe puts in a microwave dinner…. And uses the loo. No cleaning, washing, vacuuming etc.

We took him away for a 4 night holiday in the UK in a caravan. It was a nightmare. He constantly fell over because he WOULD NOT take his scooter out and wanted to walk…. But he got tired and his legs just gave out…. he refused to shower…. Said it was too small (but could have managed with his sons help) did nothing but sit there and be waited on, we had to do all the cooking/cleaning. He refused to put on sunscreen and got burnt, then constantly moaned about it. We couldn’t do what we wanted to do, couldn’t go to the beach (the children where smaller so missed out)
Kept waking us up in the night falling against the walls of the caravan, then asking for help…. Because he hadn’t used his roller to go to the loo and had fallen.

Now I get, there’s some things he can’t help, like being slow…… but if we have planned a day out and ask you to be ready at 10 am….why are you getting UP at 10am? And yes…. You can help peel potato’s or carrots at the table sitting down, but you say no? He flat on refused to use his wheelchair and the one time we did, he sat with a face on him and was moody (it was a restaurant and his scooter wouldn’t have fit)

Anyway. I really didn’t enjoy that holiday. It wasn’t a holiday for me, I was stressed and anxious and I felt like a carer.

My husband nonchalantly mentioned going abroad last year and my FIL mentioned he wanted to come. My SIL started looking at 3/4 night holidays…(us 4, her 2 and my FIL). I really do not want to go abroad with my FIL. Not only will our share be £1000+, but we will need spending money too.

I dread getting him through the airport, because he won’t listen and be like “oh I can walk to the plane from the terminal”. He will also not be able to use the loo on the plane as it’s too small! We would take his small scooter… which he would have forgotten to charge….. he will not wear suncream and will want to go in the pools, although he can’t control his body and just floats off panicking…..will want to walk down the restaurants… and will end up with his legs giving way and fall…….I just can’t deal with it. His insurance was also sky high so he was paying more for the insurance than he was for the actual holiday and I know that I will be left looking after him.
it will be a little different I know… he will have his own disability friendly room, but I just KNOW he’s going to fall and knowing my luck will break something and end up in hospital….. my anxiety even writing this is making me pant! I don’t want to spend £1000s being a carer for someone else.

He is a lovely and kind man, but is very stubborn and “knows what he wants”…. But doesn’t want to acknowledge that his body is failing… and I get that, but surely if you’re falling over and injuring yourself you need to LISTEN to what people and doctors are saying to you?

We agreed to go away to Devon next month…. And I’m dreading it already. I’ve told my husband that if he doesn’t listen when I ask him to take his scooter places, then he’s just not coming, I know that sounds really mean!, but I care about him and don’t want him hurt! And if he’s not ready when we ask him to be he’s not coming.

they are looking to book this abroad holiday and I’ve told my husband I don’t want to go…. He thinks I’m being silly….. if he was more mobile and able to look after himself better then I would.

I don’t feel that I am being unreasonable, and rereading this it makes me sound really awful!……we are already going away this year with him for a short break and would take him away in the UK when he wants too, but I don’t want to go abroad with him.

I also, wouldn’t take my mom away abroad…She’s got no issues too.

am I just being horrible here?

You sound so kind and you're stuck in this situation that I can't see how you can resolve it? You and your husband have health conditions, your husband won't go if you don't go. He wants to go to have a nice time with his dad, but you are fully aware of what will happen.

I am kind and I think the family don’t want to put him into a care home. It’s also hard because he has his own mind and can make his own decisions…. So we can’t deprive him of that.

My husband and one sister do a lot like me, the other not so much, I just think it’s because he just needs so much care that’s the issue. Carers for the chores and meals would definitely help… it’s not like he can’t afford it either.

I do need to step back, but just am… nice.

Honestly OP they are all using you terribly. It's so disrespectful. You do far, far more for this family than any of them do for themselves or each other by the sounds of it. You should be focusing on your own health and your own son. You're risking your own mobility down the line and they're all happy to see you do it. How will this impact your son?

You need to lay down some boundaries. You sound very kind and they are taking advantage of that. You need to take care of yourself and your son, including making sure your health and mobility is as good as it can be for his sake.

Being nice isn't an excuse tbh! Be a bit less nice. Practise setting boundaries and keeping them.

someone goes every day to look in on him and do jobs/cook dinner/clean etc (mostly me!)

Your husband and his father are taking the piss out of you.

Just stop everything.

He doesn’t want to pay for carers? Well he can sit in squalor in his filthy home and starve.

SIL is coming with us to Devon so will definitely help, husband will definitely too. FIL will just have to be ready or be left at the cottage.

Im definitely not going abroad. I just think one of his kids needs to tell him that we are not going abroad because of his health and us not being carers.

He’s the only dad I have after my dad died in 2019.

he’s a nice man so why wouldn’t you?

We are going to Devon with his sister too and that would be the same as abroad.

I am just going to say no the next time it’s mentioned.

Husband is disabled himself so wouldn’t be able to go on any holiday alone.

Thank you. I agree and this is so well worded.

I think your DH and his sisters need to have some difficult conversations with their dad. I agree that holidays are off the board. Maybe days out? Or could the group he attends suggest something more suitable? You could still make memories without all that stress.
I also agree that you need to safeguard your own health and stop with the lifting etc. They need to explain to dad that his care needs are beyond what the family can provide and look into getting carers in.
You're clearly trying your best but this is too much for you all now. There's no shame in getting help.

"why wouldn't you?" Well, because it's having an enormous impact on your own health and wellbeing, will have an impact on your son when your mobility is affected (not to mention the time it must take up which you could be spending with him) and because there are plenty of other options for FIL to receive the care he needs.

My dad went through a phase of being like this - the whole 'doing things he couldn't really manage and then expecting us to deal with the inevitable consequences' thing - with his condition (not MS but similarly physically disabling). When he got the more serious stage of his illness he also became extremely stubborn and selfish (he never used to be like before) and along with the risks of him falling / injuring himself / forgetting to take one of his multiple medications it made him difficult company even on a day out in the UK, let alone a holiday abroad.

YANBU. I adore my dad; he's a lovely man and I get on very well with him. But I would not have taken him on holiday, and definitely not abroad, when his condition had reached that stage, for all the reasons you mention. It's too much.

Apart from all that - you spend a lot of time with your FIL by the sounds of it, doing everything for him and taking him on family trips. You really do need some time away from him so you can have breaks without the added stress of having to care for him and meet his many needs. It's not fair to expect you to deal with all of this every time you go anywhere. And of course it's more complicated overseas when you have to worry about insurance (which I suspect will be sky-high for him) and have the worry of not necessarily knowing how to find a doctor or hospital etc if he needs one.

why wouldn't you?

Why? Well, how about for all the many reasons you list in your first post?

Have you had a quote for travel insurance for your FIL to go abroad? That alone might solve your dilemma.

Why should it be the four of you? As opposed to the three of them - his children? Do the SILs have male partners? Are they expected to be FIL's carers?

Stop doing his care and let DH manage his relationship with his father and his sisters. The three of them, if they present a united front, can tell FIL that they can't do this any more and then FIL can decide whether he'll accept paid help. Leave it to them. This "woman = support human" thing isn't going to stop until we stop it.

And no, YANBU to refuse to go abroad and go through the whole nightmare again. You would not be U to (gently) tell FIL why, either.

Because you haven't done separate holidays before doesn't mean you can't start. It might be worth at least considering.

1. You don't go on that holiday abroad, let your dad's children take him though.Spend that money or a girls weekend or a spa break alone (with lots of r and r for your back).

1. Re the cleaners. Use your back issues. Tell FIL that you're bringing a cleaner with you to help as you've done your back in and YOU need the help. Get that cleaner used to coming once a week with you. Then you start to fade back and just send the cleaner. Husband can fund her from his fun money as he's not willing to do the cleaning etc himself.