To be put off by this?

[spacehopper88]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months after my 13 year relationship with my kids father ended. He is lovely, kind, funny.. but.. he’s 34 soon and still lives with his parents. He’s never moved out and I don’t think he has any intention to. Also without sounding awful his mum has a lot of cats and the house smells quite strongly of cat urine. His dad still works and his mum is able bodied so it’s not like he’s their carer but he helps a lot financially.
am I really shallow for this to put me off?

I personally don't see what is wrong with someone still living at home, at any age nowadays, what with the cost of housing, and renting. As long as he is a functioning adult, able to look after himself, and has an income, I would not be bothered by this at all.

You can be put off my anything you like. Unhygienic living conditions and little obvious intention to leave it is certainly a good enough reason.

I didn’t know if I was being OTT but they had a decorator who refused to work there as he said it wasn’t safe or words to that effect due to how bad it smells. Guy I’m seeing was shocked and kept saying it doesn’t smell, he’s just lazy! He’s such a nice guy but I just don’t know if I can get passed it. I can’t see myself going round there for dinner.

Depends on the circumstances really. If by ‘he never intends to move out’ you mean ‘he never intends to have a cohabiting relationship with a partner’ then that would be weird. Also if he’s still living like a child and having to be home for his tea and let his parents know where he’s going etc, that would put me off, and if he’s not capable of doing his own washing and so on.

But if you mean he just lives there independently, essentially like a lodger, to save money, then that’s different. I wouldn’t be wanting to stay over with him there, but other than that I wouldn’t be bothered.

I would, however, be bothered that he was happy to live in a house that stank of cat piss and I’d want to know why he thought it was OK.

OK, this changes things a bit. I wouldn’t be continuing this relationship.

Have you actually been to his home OP and seen and smelt for yourself?
It's possible the decorator who refused to work there might be one of those people who hates cats.- a lot of people don't just dislike cats, they actually hate them.
In mitigation of him still living at home there a lot of people in this situation now because of the cost and unavailability of suitable housing.
I would certainly want to know how capable he is of looking after his own needs as regards doing his own laundry, cooking etc. Because I think if he still relied solely on his mum for that it would be very off putting.

@Seachanger yeah I’ve been round and it is pretty overpowering, like burn your nostrils strong. There’s cat litter trays with just kitchen roll all over the house. He can cook and does do his own washing, but his mum does cook his tea every night. If we’ve gone for an afternoon out he has to be home for X time when tea is ready, and he has said before he can only meet either day time or evening not both as he has to do jobs for his mum.

You’re allowed to want a partner with their own (non stinking) home. You’re fully entitled to be put off by anything - even the way he puts on his socks. However, this would be major for me. I wouldn’t date a 34 year old who lived with his parents.

Move on, his parents won't change and he will bring those habits with him.

If we’ve gone for an afternoon out he has to be home for X time when tea is ready, and he has said before he can only meet either day time or evening not both as he has to do jobs for his mum.

Come on, now. Why is this even a post? This is arrested development. And filth. Dump this man-child.

He sounds like a lazy, mummy’s boy with a potential for cocklodging. I’ve got the ick just reading about him 🤷‍♀️

1. To me there is living at home with parents as it works for everyone in that house and they are all independent grown ups

1. there some weird set up going on

If 1 i would have no issues

@spacehopper88 please, for all of us, just walk away. Watching you dither is painful.

If he can’t smell what a tradesman calls a danger to health, he is not a catch.

Ugh, please walk away. If he hasn’t got the balls now to tell his mum he wants to stay out after a certain time, or tell her that “tea time” doesn’t always suit him, he’ll never grow any.

Sounds like a mummy’s boy. Had one of those. Nightmare. You’ll end up just being his mum and he’ll expect dinner at 5:30 on the dot. Don’t know about you, but I can’t stand rigidity. Such an ick!

If they are just using kitchen roll and not using proper cat litter that absorbs the smells then yes I can understand why the house smells.i expect if they have a lot cats and a lot of litter trays then buying cat litter would be expensive and if your bf is already helping out a lot financially money is possibly tight.
I'm sort of torn in this because I love cats and I have a good friend who takes in strays and has a lot of cats. She looks after them well as regards vetinary attention, getting them neutered, etc and her house doesn't smells- they go outside a lot anyway. But when I see them walking round the work surfaces in the kitchen it turns my stomach and I don't like eating there.
So whilst I have sympathy for your bf , who is obviously used to the home situation and oblivious to it, and sounds a really nice guy, I can also see why his home situation is a problem for you. Not him actually living at home but the stomach turning element of it.

Nah. Don’t pursue this.

He's probably nose blind to the smell...

And lots of people are staying at home later in life because it's just too expensive to move out.

Having a curfew is weird though. Should be able to say "I'm going out tonight, won't be home for tea"

Blimey this is a low bar.
It’d be a no from me.
Those living conditions are horrendous, why would you not want to leave!?

He’s so nice compared to my ex though and we have such a laugh but I don’t know if I can get past it. I think he is nose blind. I once said on a Saturday shall we have a beach day or something and a few drinks tonight and he said no, I can either do one or the other as I have jobs to do for mum. And he always has a time that he has to be home by if we meet during the day.

I think they’ve got about 8 cats and 4 dogs. His clothes do have a slight smell of it.

My close friend still lives at home at 33 but he has money and deposits saved and ready to move out when he finds a partner to progress with. That’s the difference here. You say this man has no intentions to move out and that would massively put me off.
He will either lack commitment or scrounge off you.

This might sound harsh, but having known a few 30-something men who still lived at home, and married one who went straight from his mums house to my house I would really strongly advise against this. If they haven’t had to look after themselves then there’s a very high risk that they have grown into adulthood without actually being required to adult and are used to parents doing things for them - an assumption they will carry forward to you.

My DH is well intentioned but doesn’t even recognise that he does hardly anything in terms of running the house. It’s so ingrained that he can’t recognise there is an imbalance and my options realistically are put up with it or leave. My mum warned me when we first got together, but it all seemed manageable until we had kids. I would not have married him had I realised

Ugh… The smell and lack of hygiene can’t be attractive? Find someone better and raise your standards.

It’s a no from me, mainly cos of the cat piss smell but also the having to be home in time for tea bit.

@spacehopper88 i feel sorry for him he doesn’t know any better that’s the problem.

Sound alike his mum has a dependency on him and I wouldn’t be dating anyone who said “im
not allowed out days and night it’s one or the other “ like a teenager .
Pretty controling Parent.