To be put off by this?

[spacehopper88]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months after my 13 year relationship with my kids father ended. He is lovely, kind, funny.. but.. he’s 34 soon and still lives with his parents. He’s never moved out and I don’t think he has any intention to. Also without sounding awful his mum has a lot of cats and the house smells quite strongly of cat urine. His dad still works and his mum is able bodied so it’s not like he’s their carer but he helps a lot financially.
am I really shallow for this to put me off?

Living at home in your 30's in itself wouldn't be an issue for me. There must be thousands of people in that situation due to the cost of housing.

However - the living in smelly conditions - the no thought of ever moving out and the having to adhere to a "home time" as an adult would all be highly off putting.

You can get the ick for any reason @spacehopper88 You don't have to put up with a man child op just because he is "nice compared to my ex"

No diddly nope de nope de nope. NEXT!!

I think it depends on his attitude. If he sees it as a temporary convenient and financial situation until he finds a life partner to continue life with.

If he seems more settled then yes you should be wary. The fact he has to be home for tea and jobs is a red flag.
My young adult children are completely independent. They live their own lives. Yes they need to be respectful and tell me if they won’t be home for dinner but they don’t have to be there for meals. They stay nights away whenever they want. They help around the house but not to the extent they can’t be flexible.

His situation sounds very claustrophobic and that’s not even considering the lack of awareness about the hygiene/smell factor.

In that case, I would definitely be ending this relationship.

He's way too enmeshed with his mother and he's apparently happy to live in a stinking, unhygienic house and thinks that's normal. That doesn't bode well for your future.

Kitchen roll isn't a suitable substitute for cat litter and it's revolting to have piss-soaked kitchen roll sitting in the house all the time, no wonder it stinks. Cat litter is designed to stop the smell, absorb liquid completely, and to allow the cats to cover up what they've done. Kitchen roll does none of those things.

🤢 no no no. He's 34 so he should have moved out long time ago even if just for a houseshare. His willingness to stay in this just shows that he lacks basics about hygiene.

I promise you that there are plenty of men who are both 'nice compared your ex' AND don't smell of cat piss and have to go home for tea like a child.

I completely understand that you've been in a relationship previously with someone who was unkind or abusive, it can be easy to think that the first nice/kind man you meet must be the best you can hope for, but that really isn't the case. You can definitely meet someone who is lovely and also, y'know, normal.

What I don’t understand is he’s had exs who have moved into his mums house with him, as has his brother. Why have they not been bothered by it?? His younger brother has moved in with his girlfriend, but he seems to have no desire to get his own place.

No, just plain no! I have a cat, but he's a cat that likes going outside. If they have cats and they're using the litter boxes, it shouldn't smell that bad, providing the litter is changed regularly. It sounds to me as if they've got a cat(s) who are scent marking, could be due to stress being in a multi cat household, hasn't been neutered or is old/unwell and going all over the place. Regardless, it's disgusting, and they can't be that clueless. If your partner can't see any wrong in what is happening at home, then that doesn't bode well for living on his own or cohabiting. As for having to be home for tea, and can't see you both during the day or night!! WTF!!! Throw this one back, that's just plain ridiculous for a 34 year old man!!

@spacehopper88 it’s not the living at home, it’s what he has learned as ‘normal’. It is not normal not to stay out all day and say ‘won’t be home for dinner’ and so on. And, his Mum still cooking his tea could suggest he may expect that of you if you ever lived together. And the stink? No. So I’d be moving on, but it wouldn’t be the living at home that’s an issue in itself.

It would be a nope ticket to nopesville for me.

How does he signal to you that he is a capable, independent, fully functioning adult? He's clearly not able to do that through his living arrangements so there must be some other reason that you would entertain the idea of a full blown relationship with him?

And no, being nicer than your ex doesn't count! Being nice is the standard I expect from my nail technician and the chap behind the counter at the paper shop. Nice is the lowest possible bar you can set for a relationship.

Oh my gosh I can’t see one single positive.
Honks of cat wee, only allowed out at certain times, his mum makes his dinner and he’s 34. What a catch!
Imagine introducing him to your friends and they notice the honk! I’d be so embarrassed

He's a mummy's boy. That's the biggest problem. Get rid.

How many cats and dogs is he planning on having when he eventually leaves home?

Jobs to do for his mum but none of them are not having piss soaked kitchen roll all over the house?!

Some women will settle for any man that will have them. The bar is low.