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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH shouldn’t have said this about our baby?

42 replies

FirstTimeMum225 · 13/04/2025 20:46

I gave birth a couple of months ago and we’ve only just started taking our baby out regularly over the past couple of weeks. We were in a cafe at a country park earlier with some friends and I had to get up and take DS for a nappy change. A friend made a jokey comment about how they don’t miss those days, to which DH casually said - ‘he has inherited his mums arse unfortunately’.

I was mortified - I have IBS so it was obviously a reference to this and a cheap laugh at my expense.

I’ve told DH I am pissed off with him and he has apologised but I can’t get it out of my head and feel humiliated. He says I should accept his apology and that I shouldn’t take my hormones out on him.

OP posts:
HallidayJones6779 · 13/04/2025 21:07

i should hope he did apologise!!! That's really unkind and also really disrespectful. The problem is, you do need to forgive and let go at some point otherwise you'll be carrying the hurt around which will continue to make you unhappy.

I would make sure he knows how much he hurt you but I would let it go if I felt like the apology was authentic.

Edit to add - I would also call him out on that last comment about it being YOUR hormones that are causing an issue. He's trying to shift the blame onto you when in reality he made a really nasty and unnecessary comment.

GCAcademic · 13/04/2025 21:10

The worst bit about this is his blaming your hormones, rather than his stupid behaviour, for your upset.

Jollyjoy · 13/04/2025 21:10

I can see why it upset you and it’s good you’ve explained to your DH. I think it’s also worth having in mind that your IBS won’t be as sensitive an issue for him and I doubt his intention was to humiliate you. If he doesn’t get it then it’s worth more conversation to let him know how you feel about the issue, but I can imagine it just doesn’t have the same significance for him.

JLou08 · 13/04/2025 21:10

It wasn't a nice comment to make and I'd be embarrassed. I do find men are generally less embarrassed by these things and find them funny so I would accept his apology and move on from it in your situation.

Lavender14 · 13/04/2025 21:12

HallidayJones6779 · 13/04/2025 21:07

i should hope he did apologise!!! That's really unkind and also really disrespectful. The problem is, you do need to forgive and let go at some point otherwise you'll be carrying the hurt around which will continue to make you unhappy.

I would make sure he knows how much he hurt you but I would let it go if I felt like the apology was authentic.

Edit to add - I would also call him out on that last comment about it being YOUR hormones that are causing an issue. He's trying to shift the blame onto you when in reality he made a really nasty and unnecessary comment.

Edited

I think first post sums it up. Its the type of comment I'd probably roll my eyes at but that's neither here nor there - it upset you and to be fair when you've just had a baby you can feel very vulnerable in lots of different ways so even if you're a little more sensitive than usual (not saying that you are) that would be normal and understandable and he should be a bit more careful with what he says so he's building you up rather than the opposite.

I'd make it clear you felt embarrassed and upset and hopefully he makes a genuine apology and then you need to let it go and move on. While you are in a vulnerable place post baby you are also both probably quite sleep deprived and under more pressure with new routines etc than normal so you both need to have a bit of grace with each other.

2025willbemytime · 13/04/2025 21:12

He doesn't get to tell you how you should feel about his disgusting remark. Diminishing you by his hormone comment as well is unacceptable.

Hercisback1 · 13/04/2025 21:13

I think your IBS is perhaps making you overthink his remark. He may not have even linked it to your IBS in his head. Then realised after when you spoke to him.

I'd try to accept his apology and move on. Ruminating on it won't help anyone.

comoatoupeira · 13/04/2025 21:13

I think on the plus side he is quite witty, even though it was a f-ing stupid thing to say and definitely disrespectful.
Also on the plus side as PP have said he clearly doesn't have a problem with it and is not embarrassed about it on either of your behalves which is a good thing.
Definitely deserved an apology but I too would move on.

mathanxiety · 13/04/2025 21:14

So he doubled down with a jab about your 'hormones'.

I often wonder what it would be like to have a raging testosterone problem. Would people call me out for a sense of entitlement or arrogance?

This man doesn't like you.

BillyBoe46 · 13/04/2025 21:15

What a prick. He made a joke at your expense. A joke which was fucking humiliating. How dear he blame your hormones.

Zantejel · 13/04/2025 21:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

peoplealwaysaskmethat · 13/04/2025 21:17

I feel like that was a joke that could be made weather you had IBS or not. Do the friends even know that you do? My DH could have made this joke about me or himself, neither of us have IBS.

He’s apologised and hopefully won’t make that joke again. He can’t go back and unsay it, you’re going to drive yourself crazy if you don’t accept his apology. What the alternative? You leave over one joke?

BeKookySheep · 13/04/2025 21:18

He seems to be an arsehole to gaslight you by saying it's your hormones causing the hurt and not him. Tell him to apologise and not try to gaslight you like this.

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 13/04/2025 21:18

It’s in poor taste but he has apologized. Continuing to sulk won’t unsay what he said. Just make it clear you don’t want it said again.

LoremIpsumCici · 13/04/2025 21:19

Worse things have been said in the fog of newborn sleep deprivation. He shouldn’t have said it, he did, you rightly told him it was hurtful, he apologised. There is no point holding a grudge on this.

thepariscrimefiles · 13/04/2025 21:20

comoatoupeira · 13/04/2025 21:13

I think on the plus side he is quite witty, even though it was a f-ing stupid thing to say and definitely disrespectful.
Also on the plus side as PP have said he clearly doesn't have a problem with it and is not embarrassed about it on either of your behalves which is a good thing.
Definitely deserved an apology but I too would move on.

How on earth is OP's DH 'quite witty'?

comoatoupeira · 13/04/2025 21:21

Just offering a different perspective. I think having a partner who can make jokes is an underrated quality for life. This time he just got it really wrong. Made it worse by not taking responsibility (as PP have pointed out, this is the worst part)

WhereIsMyLight · 13/04/2025 21:21

He hasn’t said it about your baby, he’s said it about you. It’s normal for parents to joke about babies doing poonamis because they do. I bought the poonami proof pampers for DC for a wedding and they still managed to trash that outfit with a poonami! One of several memorable outfit trashing poonamis. We have an outfit that is known as the £36 turd because a poonami wrecked the first outfit and we didn’t have a spare and where we were, they only had something that cost us £36!

He’s said something to humiliate you. In front of your friends. It’s hurtful. If he generally isn’t making disparaging comments about you, then he said something stupid, it’s hurt you. He should apologise for saying something stupid and hurtful, not that you are taking it to personally with hormones. “I’m sorry your hormones didn’t find it funny” isn’t an apology. If he genuinely is caring the rest of the time, point out he’s hurt you and should apologise but then don’t dwell on it. You’re both sleep deprived, trying to navigate this new tiny human. Once he’s given you a meaningful apology, it’s forgetting it so you can survive this time.

If he has a habit of making comments like this that hurt you and humiliate you, then that’s a whole different thing. Honestly, he’s not going to get better but you’re sleep deprived so it’s not about making a rash decision. It’s a case of looking back over your previous interactions with him, what he does and seeing if he’s a partner you want. If he isn’t, you need to start ensuring that you are in a position to leave him when you are ready to do so.

thepariscrimefiles · 13/04/2025 21:27

comoatoupeira · 13/04/2025 21:21

Just offering a different perspective. I think having a partner who can make jokes is an underrated quality for life. This time he just got it really wrong. Made it worse by not taking responsibility (as PP have pointed out, this is the worst part)

Jokes are supposed to be funny. This really wasn't. Insulting and embarrassing his wife is hardly an underrated quality for life.

YesHonestly · 13/04/2025 21:28

Is he always such a twat?

comoatoupeira · 13/04/2025 21:30

Yeah, but it wasn't an insult. It was a joke. The difference is in the intention.

Endofyear · 13/04/2025 21:31

I'm guessing he was trying to be funny and he missed the mark. He probably wasn't thinking about the IBS and wasn't trying to embarrass you - unless he is normally cruel and likes to put you down?

When you explained how hurtful and embarrassed you found his stupid joke, he should have been extremely sorry that he's upset you and apologised. He shouldn't have tried to minimise your feelings.

comoatoupeira · 13/04/2025 21:36

Endofyear · 13/04/2025 21:31

I'm guessing he was trying to be funny and he missed the mark. He probably wasn't thinking about the IBS and wasn't trying to embarrass you - unless he is normally cruel and likes to put you down?

When you explained how hurtful and embarrassed you found his stupid joke, he should have been extremely sorry that he's upset you and apologised. He shouldn't have tried to minimise your feelings.

This is what I would have written if I had been more eloquent :-)
Totally agree.

WhereIsMyLight · 13/04/2025 21:36

comoatoupeira · 13/04/2025 21:30

Yeah, but it wasn't an insult. It was a joke. The difference is in the intention.

No, the difference is in how it lands. If the person on the receiving end of the “joke” laughs, it’s a joke. Otherwise it’s hurtful.

DH and I have a lot of jokes between us. If he’d said something like that I’d have probably responded with something about his cooking. However, I don’t have IBS. It’s OK for OP to be sensitive about her medical condition and not have her husband make fun of it.

Both DH and I have had jokes that have landed wrong. When that happens, you say “I’m sorry, I said something stupid”. You don’t blame the other person for the joke not landing.

autisticbookworm · 13/04/2025 21:37

It wouldn’t really bother me but if I had a condition like ibs I think it would as it’s a personal insult. Also the hormones comment is really insulting, I hate it when men try to silence women like that.