Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband acting strangely

50 replies

Hereforadvice1 · 13/04/2025 18:07

Hi all
I need some help. Please bear with me, I've never posted here before.
DC had his 7th birthday on Friday. Husband has been acting stressed and when I asked him to work from home Friday (which he's allowed to do occasionally) so that we could spend a bit longer opening birthday presents in the morning it was met with resistance. He did end up working from home and I took out son out to see a friend so that DH could get some space to work (it's Easter holidays so DC off school) I should add that I was also working but just did this on the move.
Friday evening rolls around and DH falls asleep on the sofa, I asked him to wake up because I wanted to give DC his birthday cake. When I woke DH up he said 'it's always all about you' I was shocked and really hurt, how could he say that when I was trying to serve out only child his birthday cake at 5pm in the afternoon. Saturday (yesterday) we had a party at my mums house for DC birthday. Family, friends and neighbours invited. My mum had asked DH, DC and I to arrive 2 hours before the start to setup.
DH hadn't seen his mum since mothers day, and because she was attending the party he decided to drop DC and I to setup whilst he went to Tesco to get her some flowers and gifts. He didn't help at all with the setup, and got back just in time for the party to start (I later found out he had also gone to get the car washed!)
He didn't help during the party, I had to ask him to take pictures. After the party he dropped us home and went straight to the pub
I've tried to talk to him and he genuinely seems to not know what he's done.
AIBU?
I'm really upset and just gutted as he spoiled the last couple of days for me.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 13/04/2025 18:09

I’d work really pushing him? It can be hard to check back into family time when you’re exhausted from it but yes it sounds like you need to talk

Evaka · 13/04/2025 18:26

Is all of this out of character? Given your boy is seven and you're shocked I'm guessing so. Agree with PP, he may be under terrible pressure? Or ill?

DoYouReally · 13/04/2025 18:35

He has been acting stressed anyway.

You want him to WFH unnecessarily - you could gave got up earlier for presents of left them until later.

He feel asleep on sofa at 5pm - indicated exhaustion or tiredness.

He understandably got presents for his mum.

It does sound like he is stressed and exhausted.

You sound a lot.

HenDoNot · 13/04/2025 18:37

If he’s stressed at work, then trying to work from home while the DC are off school won’t be doing anything for his stress levels.

As for having to go to your mums 2 hours before a party to help set up, well I’m sorry but that sounds like 2 hours of you all getting under each others feet and no need for you all to be there. I don’t blame him for scooting off.

“He spoiled the last couple of days for me” does make it sounds like it’s all about you.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 13/04/2025 18:39

“He spoiled the last couple of days for me” does make it sounds like it’s all about you.

Oh come on ffs! How low can your standards be where you think she's being unreasonable?

DearBee · 13/04/2025 18:39

YANBU OP - he's been acting like a twat.

Changeissmall · 13/04/2025 18:43

Surprised at these responses. I assume OP is also busy with work etc but doesn’t get to just check out of family duties. His comment when you woke him up is really rude. His son’s birthday should be all about his son.
Two hours of faffing about to avoid the party duty is also rude. I swear some men think women just enjoy doing all this stuff rather than seeing they’re putting themselves out for the good of others. He is selfish and rude. YANBU.

NuUN · 13/04/2025 19:01

These replies are shocking - “you sound a lot”? WTF?!
My DH is as excited as me and the rest of our family about our DC’s birthday and does whatever is needed to help (and yes, will sometimes need to be asked to do certain things, but is happy to do them!)

I’m also confused about him needing to get gifts for his mum that morning - he’s had plenty of time to pop into Tesco a grab something another time. When he dropped you off at your mums to set up for the party and said he was going to Tesco, did you say “but we need your help setting up”?

Original poster
Hereforadvice1 · 13/04/2025 19:32

He's in a high pressure job yes, but has been for years. It almost feels like he's suddenly not interested in us

OP posts:
Original poster
Hereforadvice1 · 13/04/2025 19:38

OK, I can confidentally say I'm not 'alot'
I've got a high pressure job too and pretty much do everything. But this was just too much, a step too far. 2 hours setup was required because we had food to do, gazebos to setup etc. I am asking if I'm being unreasonable because honestly I've been to loads of kids parties where the dad is really involved. It just made me sad. And yes he could have got gifts for his mum at any other time. Thanks for your replies ladies

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 13/04/2025 19:38

It sounds like he's checked out of family life. Whether that's temporary or permanent, and whether it's work stress or something else isn't something you can tell right now.

But it might be worth starting to think about what going it alone would look like, and what you would need to do.

You say he's been stressed but you don't actually say it's work stress, only that he reacted badly when you asked him to wfh. I hate to do this but an OW is a possibility.

And as for him saying it's all about you - your description of his behaviour sounds like he's much more all about himself.

Original poster
Hereforadvice1 · 13/04/2025 19:39

Yes he knew he was needed for setup

OP posts:
Original poster
Hereforadvice1 · 13/04/2025 19:39

Yeah the OW has crossed my mind

OP posts:
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 13/04/2025 19:40

He's definitely detaching himself from family life.

I wouldn't have a conversation about this. I doubt you'll get any admissions or coherent explanations.

Sit back and see how things pan out over the next few days. If it's the same behaviour then have a chat maybe.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 13/04/2025 19:40

Is there any chance he's involved in some way with another woman, OP? My XH became very detached from the family when he was seeing someone from work.

AlertCat · 13/04/2025 19:43

How did he behave towards the birthday child, was he ok with him and just funny with you, or was he an arse towards his son as well?

MissAndrey · 13/04/2025 19:43

You don't sound "too much" at all, OP.

My exh used to take incessant "naps" to get out of family things too and disappear when he was needed. It's a choice.

Ariel896 · 13/04/2025 19:47

What is his relationship like with your DC? Is he still happy around him and only off with you or both?
High pressure job is no excuse to not be interested in your only DC birthday.

Original poster
Hereforadvice1 · 13/04/2025 19:47

Thanks so much
No he's been fine with our son.
Just detached
Today he's like wildy positive
Crazy stuff

OP posts:
ilovemyhamster · 13/04/2025 19:49

He's detaching from family life. Playing the exhausted and falling asleep card is absolute classic. My gut feeling would be he is thinking about someone else. I hope I'm wrong OP. I think a serious talk needs to happen.

SoOxon · 13/04/2025 19:50

OP, because of work, stress, OW, who knows why, but this man has checked out

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 13/04/2025 19:53

He sounds like he’s been acting unfairly, BUT from what you’ve said it also sounds like this is totally out of character, so worth checking in with him. He could be under a lot of stress that you don’t know about. In which case, getting somewhere 2 hours before to “set up” etc etc would be a lot. If someone offers to host something, surely they’re then responsible for most of the set up?

ThriveIn2025 · 13/04/2025 19:54

I mean my DH is similar in terms of napping, avoiding the drudge, leaving all the organising to me. There’s definitely no OW. He just can’t be arsed.

Can you be a bit more forceful? Like “we need you to set up” “why didn’t you get those things earlier” etc? Letting them get away with lazyitis just makes it worse in my experience.

SaladSandwichesForTea · 13/04/2025 19:55

Hereforadvice1 · 13/04/2025 19:38

OK, I can confidentally say I'm not 'alot'
I've got a high pressure job too and pretty much do everything. But this was just too much, a step too far. 2 hours setup was required because we had food to do, gazebos to setup etc. I am asking if I'm being unreasonable because honestly I've been to loads of kids parties where the dad is really involved. It just made me sad. And yes he could have got gifts for his mum at any other time. Thanks for your replies ladies

Did he get any gifts or order a cake or do anything for his sons birthday?

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 13/04/2025 19:56

Hereforadvice1 · 13/04/2025 19:47

Thanks so much
No he's been fine with our son.
Just detached
Today he's like wildy positive
Crazy stuff

Him being up and down could be a sign of poor mental health? Do think it’s worth a conversation if you haven’t had one already. Good luck!