To feel mostly miserable spending the day with my two year old?

[Geeep]

Of course there are pockets of the day that are nice and moments where I feel happy with him. But mostly it’s misery.

Constant tantrums. Collapsing onto the floor. Running off if in supermarket (won’t fit in trolley anymore). Mess everywhere if we stay in. Battle to get him into the bath, to wash his hair, to go to bed.

Screaming in the car so I can barely focus on driving. Trying to get out of car seat. Dropping food and drinks. Constant dramas about a lost toy or hat. Just awful.

I feel utterly miserable and exhausted. I have a dp who often takes ds out for the day and I sometimes just sit in silence trying to recalibrate. I feel like shit as everyone says it’s such a magical age and I just don’t feel like this at all. Does anyone else feel this way?

Put him in nursery for a couple of days or half days a week. Mine absolutely loved it. Lots of kids to play with, more toys and equipment, stories, singing and dancing, inside and outside games, and sometimes even trips to the local park. They get so much out of it at 2 years old.

I was the greatest parent in the world with ds- he rarely tantrummed.

Then I had dd. I know it's a cliche, but if she'd been first, she'd have been my only.

Her tantrums were legendary.

On the bright side, she's a cracking teenager😄

Magical?
two?

fuck no.

i switched to online shopping at that point as i couldn’t face the supermarket.

I am all for a bit of judicious bribery! Mine were fine in the supermarket because there was a sit-on rocking toy (the sort you put money in - a horse that trotted on its stand) behind the checkout and they were told that they would get a go on it if they were good during the shop. Worked like a treat!

I used to count down the hours till bed time. It's better now but still some very, very challenging days. Doesn't mean you don't love them, just that it's hard especially when you have no village and working.

Hi OP, I feel for u and many will identify with your feelings. People are afraid to admit that they struggle with the challenges of looking after babies/young children but in reality it is isolating and soul destroying. It makes a huge difference if you have help/family support. Please don't beat yourself up. And continue with some routine and contact at play groups etc
Things will get better

I was about to say my almost 4yo fits (although I feared I may be missing the point, no shade though 😂)

MayaPinion · Today 18:33

"Put him in nursery for a couple of days or half days a week. "

The OP said he's in nursery 4 days a week as she's working.

Been there. It's hard work but gets easier.
I found a good routine really helped. As my DD got older she used to tell me how much she looked fwd to out Tuesdays together when we would walk to the swimming pool then get a bus to the library. She still asks to do it now, years later.

Same thing each time, I thought she'd get bored (I did!) but I think because she knew exactly what to expect and what was coming next, she was calmer and there were less tantrums. She even started packing her own swim bag in preparation as she got older.

Good luck and....solidarity.

Id agree with this Much better once they are " proper" people

It's a tough age. I have 2 year old twins and it's draining. Very hard to reason with e.g. younger twin went berserk today as she only wanted to eat strawberries for every meal. Very minor things are HUGE dramas! They are both tall for their age and older twin has very specific ideas about how things should be done -they often differ somewhat from her twins 😵‍💫

I don't have practical advice but I remember those days, and as my DC has SEN it's not much better 10 years later.
I find that boosting my mood helps me cope with those long days.
Listening to some high tempo music or doing a 5 minute breathwork exercise on YouTube can both be done with one earpod in while you're busy with the toddler. Laughing also helps. If I watch a video on social media and it makes me lol, I whatsapp it to myself. When I'm feeling blue I scroll through them to cheer myself up!

My 6 year old also still fits a trolley, but my stepson was too big for them at about 2/3, ,he had chunky legs whereas my 6 year old is quite slim

Transitions can be hard- if you don’t already, try starting the move to the next thing early. Like, “In ten minutes we will go to [home for lunch]… we’re going home for lunch in five minutes… ok two minutes then we’ll go home” and then “come on then, let’s go and have lunch. Do you want hummous and crackers or beans on toast?”

Also a choice gives them some control- so “blue pyjamas or red?” “Porridge or weetabix?” Etc.

It does pass. Hold on mama!

It's so hard isn't it. My daughter has just entered this phase and I feel utterly shell shocked. To make it worse, she's my third and the others w were not like this! The battle over teeth brushing is familiar, but she is against so many more things - car seat, nappy change, getting off my boob, fucking loads of things. I seem to remember being very calm and positive with the other two, inventing games to brush teeth etc but that has not worked so far this time. Maybe because I'm older, maybe because I'm generally more busy and tired and stressed overall so just have less tether for it. I think what pp said about giving them your time and not trying to do other things is very true- I am CONSTANTLY multitasking now in a way I wasn't with the others and it's probably no wonder she gets frustrated and our whole relationship is adversarial. Very annoyingly, she does not do the tantrums with DH! Pissing me off not a little. So I'm with you in despair.

Yes, I find this stuff only works in the books.

See also giving choices, which often results in screaming that they don't want either red or blue pyjamas, or they want chocolate and not Weetabix or shreddies, or they don't want to put their shoes on anywhere (when given the fake choice of the hall or on the doorstep etc). I think people who these techniques work for must be lucky to have pretty pliable children!

Yes, choices never worked for us either. DD isn’t quite at that stage yet but DS just figured quite quickly saying no to both choices was an option,
especially when they hit that stage where they say no to everything!

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, and I really hope things change for you soon.

I’m a stay at home mum to a slightly younger toddler and honestly I love spending all day every day with my daughter. Definitely there are difficult bits that I don’t enjoy, like changing her nappy when she’s rolling everywhere, the tantrums and and I just got back from our weekly shop where she was often trying run off.

However on the whole I love being her mum, and I genuinely delight in her everyday. Whilst I think it’s very normal and understandable to find a toddler difficult, I think most mothers would enjoy being with their small children despite the hard parts of parenting.

This is what works for me

• My husband is an active and involved parent and when he is home he does a lot with her so I can rest. He works 5 days but not full time and is home around 3pm to play with our toddler and he does most of the bath/bed routine. He cooks dinner 4 nights a week, the rest of the time we have leftovers or have dinner at my in laws on the Sunday.
• My daughter has a few hours once a week playing with her grandma and I use this time for myself - no chores, just rest or doing something I find enjoyable.
• I get out with her everyday to a structured activity - playgroup, gymbaroo, music, swimming etc. We walk the dog at the park twice daily.
• I keep my house clean by a) minimizing clutter and having a place for everything b) cleaning daily in short bursts so it never gets messy and c) a robot mop and vacuum. I embrace my daughter making a mess when she’s playing but it is cleaned up when she’s about to go for a nap/bed or we leave the house and she helps with it as much as a toddler can. When I have a tidy house I feel so much better and I can enjoy the 1:1 time with my child because I’m not trying to do housework all the time.

When I’m frustrated by something my daughter is doing like throwing food off her high chair or not cooperating with a nappy change I remind myself that it’s age appropriate and that this stage isn’t forever. And even when she’s having some big emotions I remind myself of how cute she is, and how loved and wanted she was.

Hi OP, I agree, it’s a crap age for many!

This too shall pass, but in the meantime I really recommend parenting books by Dr Laura Markham. I won’t pretend they’ve turned me into mum of the year but understanding more of the science behind the behaviour and being given clear strategies of how to deal with it has made me much more empathetic and calm with 2 year old DS and I no longer feel like I’m failing!

I’m really grateful for the supportive and helpful comments, thank you.

He does have a good routine, sleeps well, eats well and healthily, lots of exercise, screen time for around 30-45 mins a day for 5 days as week, we see friends, go to places. I don’t think there’s anything particularly wrong or needing to change… it’s just bloody mind numbing and a battle at times to get through the day. I feel on edge as to how the next thing is going to go. I never thought I would enjoy the toddler phase. I was always fine with a baby…even with getting up every couple of hours. I’m not the best toddler mum.

I hated the toddler years and felt that same sense of guilt that I should be enjoying it. If I wasn’t working I would have lost my mind. Primary school age is amazing though.

It won't last forever. Very few people love every stage of parenting. I was useless at mothering babies. I kept them clean and fed and cuddled but hated the sleep deprivation and not being able to communicate with them.

You'll probably love the primary school years.