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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is shady behaviour?

56 replies

NoForwardingAddress · 13/04/2025 15:38

I have Facebook and Instagram. My husband has always maintained that he "doesn't do social media".

Last night, before bed, i was scrolling Facebook and under the annoying 'friends you might know' bit came my husband's name. No profile pic, but his name (which is very unusual, so i realised that probability means it's actually him and not someone with the same name). I looked at the profile and all the info is bare (or hidden) such as about info and friends list.

Anyway, I straight away said "since when do you have a Facebook profile?" He replied "I've always had a Facebook profile" as if I know this. I replied that he didnt to my knowledge, and he repeated that he's always had one, in a way to suggest it was obvious and i already knew about it. I absolutely did not know and he is outright lying here because he's previously asked to use my account to look for something on marketplace, probably about a year ago.

Anyway, at that moment our youngest walked in and had been sick all over herself, so I had to sort that out. He was doing a good imitation of being asleep when I came back in, and left for work this morning before I'd woken and could discuss further.

So I've been stewing all day on this and the more I stew, the more suspicious I am. My feeling is that this is shady as f*ck. To essentially have a secret Facebook account that your wife does not know about, and then lie when confronted. He is not at all tech savvy and doesnt know about meta data harvesting or algorithms, so would not have known that I'd be alerted to his presence on Facebook as a friend suggestion.

I will discuss it with him tonight, and my feeling is that this shady behaviour. I've no problem him having social media if he wants it, but it needs to be to conduct the kind of activity that you'd hope of a married person.

Just to caveat this, that I did previously knew he signed up to Facebook 6 years ago. This was following an affair he had, and the sole reason he signed up was so he could search for pictures of the other woman after their affair had ended. He told me after I discovered this that he had deleted Facebook. Even if he never did, he's had a new phone since then so would've had to go through the process of re-logging in or signing back up. So, further proof of shady, right?

I'm assuming the fact I've only just seen him as a friend suggestion means he's either only just re-joined recently, or he's been rejoined a while but searched for my profile for some reason? Does that sound logical?

Anyway, looking for opinions on whether this is shady or could be innocent and how I proceed. Obviously, if it transpires he's cheated again, then I'll absolutely LTB. But obviously because he has form, perhaps I'm being paranoid.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:39

This issue aside, this marriage must be on shaky grounds anyway I’m guessing?

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:40

So I've been stewing all day on this and the more I stew, the more suspicious I am

I can’t imagine how dark the atmosphere must have been in your home today op

Maitri108 · 13/04/2025 15:43

Unfortunately if you choose to stay in a relationship after an affair, this is the reality. Sitting wasting time and energy 'stewing' over some Facebook account.

Streaaa · 13/04/2025 15:46

OP, you know he is a cheating liar and not to be trusted.
No change there then.
Mind yourself.

BigGapMum · 13/04/2025 15:48

My son doesn't use Facebook, but had to sign up to it in order to use his VR. I've just looked at his details and it has no photo and no info, but it's definitely his as he has a stupid profile picture I recognise. Does your DH have a VR account?

ReplacementBusService · 13/04/2025 15:48

It didn't sound shady at all until you mentioned the affair bit. I wasn't friends on Facebook with DH for years, I can't remember why we bothered to become friends on it in the end. It wasn't a big deal. But throwing the previous affair/deleted Facebook profile in the mix makes it shady. And also makes it reasonable for you to say to him "may I look at this totally innocent profile of yours cos that whole affair scenario has made me a bit anxious about you and social media" - then hopefully he says yes of course, shows you immediately and you can move on.

Usually I have no interest in anyone who needs to go through their partners phone or SM, but there's a precedent here and he can EASILY put your worries straight, if he cares for you.

LuvACustardCream · 13/04/2025 15:51

I'd agree, shady as fuck

NoForwardingAddress · 13/04/2025 15:52

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:39

This issue aside, this marriage must be on shaky grounds anyway I’m guessing?

It's actually really not, in general. I thought we were good and we regularly talk longterm plans, like pensions and travel we want to do etc. No issues from my end, and a lot of the stressors that lead up to the affair are no longer an issue. But I know him, and I know he was lying when he responded to me. I just don't know why.

OP posts:
Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:54

Op I suspect your version of a healthy marriage is very different from what is actually a healthy marriage

He had an affair. To say he’s a good liar and capable of massive deceit would be an understatement

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:54

So if you “know” he’s lying…. Where can you go with this?

NoForwardingAddress · 13/04/2025 15:55

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:40

So I've been stewing all day on this and the more I stew, the more suspicious I am

I can’t imagine how dark the atmosphere must have been in your home today op

Lol, I'm not skulking around like a tortured soul in a Shakespeare tragedy. I'm perfectly capable of having this on my mind (because it is worrying for me) and continuing to function as a human and a parent.

OP posts:
NoForwardingAddress · 13/04/2025 15:57

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:54

So if you “know” he’s lying…. Where can you go with this?

I know he was lying about me knowing he has a profile. I don't know why and if there's a malicious reason.

OP posts:
Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:58

NoForwardingAddress · 13/04/2025 15:57

I know he was lying about me knowing he has a profile. I don't know why and if there's a malicious reason.

Well we can’t answer that op

but he’s lying

again

not a good sign

NoForwardingAddress · 13/04/2025 15:59

ReplacementBusService · 13/04/2025 15:48

It didn't sound shady at all until you mentioned the affair bit. I wasn't friends on Facebook with DH for years, I can't remember why we bothered to become friends on it in the end. It wasn't a big deal. But throwing the previous affair/deleted Facebook profile in the mix makes it shady. And also makes it reasonable for you to say to him "may I look at this totally innocent profile of yours cos that whole affair scenario has made me a bit anxious about you and social media" - then hopefully he says yes of course, shows you immediately and you can move on.

Usually I have no interest in anyone who needs to go through their partners phone or SM, but there's a precedent here and he can EASILY put your worries straight, if he cares for you.

Yeah, I've never been that way, even after having a legitimate reason to be suspicious. And I don't really want to go through any profile now.

I just want honesty and fair treatment 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:59

NoForwardingAddress · 13/04/2025 15:55

Lol, I'm not skulking around like a tortured soul in a Shakespeare tragedy. I'm perfectly capable of having this on my mind (because it is worrying for me) and continuing to function as a human and a parent.

What time is he due back from work? Have you had any contact today?

CeliaCanth · 13/04/2025 16:00

My instinct says shady.

My exH opened a Facebook account and didn’t add me or even mention its existence. The friends he added were all rather “alternative” looking women, most of whom he’d met through his favourite extra-curricular hobbies of being a naturist and modelling for life drawing classes (neither of which I knew about at the time of course).

I found out later that he was actively looking for an affair at the time and one followed fairly shortly afterwards.

There may be an innocent explanation but in your shoes I’d be vigilant.

Moveoverdarlin · 13/04/2025 16:00

I wouldn’t confront him tonight. I’d let it drop for a week or so. I’d try and get his phone and log in to his Facebook. I’d do a bit of digging first.

It’s easy to deactivate your account and sign back in as and when you fancy. I do it all the time. He probably never deleted it, just deactivated it.

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 16:00

You can see on profile how long been on

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 16:01

This was following an affair he had, and the sole reason he signed up was so he could search for pictures of the other woman after their affair had ended. He told me after I disc

wtf

so even after the affair he carried on lying and pining for her

and he didn’t even own up. You discovered it

LUBAR · 13/04/2025 16:01

From what you have shared, especially that he created an FB account six years ago after an affair to keep tabs on the other woman, it does sound dodgy. I mean, why did he create a new account and use his own name for starters? Most likely so he could contact the other woman on FB messenger and she would know who it was.

Also, the fact that you both know he used to stick to the line out him 'not being on social media, and then being on it to check on the other woman, and then getting off it, and then asking to use your account to sell something on FB marketplace (which, if you think about it could have been bullsh!t - for all you know, he could have wanted access to your account to see if your account was able to view profiles he had set up or changed settings on your phone, etc. You did say he was not tech savvy). His profile has most likely been shown to you because he has viewed your profile or the algorithm has connected you both because your phone numbers are on each other's contact lists.

I think the fact that he's had an affair and then went on FB to 'find' the other woman is bad news. He's like the kind of guy who has sexual urges and can't resist them.

I personally would spend some time seeing what he's up to, gather your evidence, get your own things sorted out. Have everything lined up and then leave him.

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 16:03

So the last time he used FB that you’re aware of was post affair to sleaze over pics of his ex

OP I’m surprised you’ve been able to look him in the eye since let alone share a bed

NoForwardingAddress · 13/04/2025 16:03

CeliaCanth · 13/04/2025 16:00

My instinct says shady.

My exH opened a Facebook account and didn’t add me or even mention its existence. The friends he added were all rather “alternative” looking women, most of whom he’d met through his favourite extra-curricular hobbies of being a naturist and modelling for life drawing classes (neither of which I knew about at the time of course).

I found out later that he was actively looking for an affair at the time and one followed fairly shortly afterwards.

There may be an innocent explanation but in your shoes I’d be vigilant.

Omg! Sorry that happened to you. I know how horrible the deceit feels.

OP posts:
CautiousLurker01 · 13/04/2025 16:04

My only comment would be that - if he has had a FB profile ‘for wages’, wouldn’t it have come up as a suggested friend before now? If it’s new, why now?

NoForwardingAddress · 13/04/2025 16:06

CautiousLurker01 · 13/04/2025 16:04

My only comment would be that - if he has had a FB profile ‘for wages’, wouldn’t it have come up as a suggested friend before now? If it’s new, why now?

Exactly. That's why I wondered if he's only just rejoined or has searched me.

OP posts:
Weedoormatnomore · 13/04/2025 16:08

Did you not send him a friend request see if he accepted? As other poster asked have you had no contact today?
To be honest I wouldn't waste time stewing about it I would be busy trying to work out how to get rid.