To think this is shady behaviour?

[NoForwardingAddress]

I have Facebook and Instagram. My husband has always maintained that he "doesn't do social media".

Last night, before bed, i was scrolling Facebook and under the annoying 'friends you might know' bit came my husband's name. No profile pic, but his name (which is very unusual, so i realised that probability means it's actually him and not someone with the same name). I looked at the profile and all the info is bare (or hidden) such as about info and friends list.

Anyway, I straight away said "since when do you have a Facebook profile?" He replied "I've always had a Facebook profile" as if I know this. I replied that he didnt to my knowledge, and he repeated that he's always had one, in a way to suggest it was obvious and i already knew about it. I absolutely did not know and he is outright lying here because he's previously asked to use my account to look for something on marketplace, probably about a year ago.

Anyway, at that moment our youngest walked in and had been sick all over herself, so I had to sort that out. He was doing a good imitation of being asleep when I came back in, and left for work this morning before I'd woken and could discuss further.

So I've been stewing all day on this and the more I stew, the more suspicious I am. My feeling is that this is shady as f*ck. To essentially have a secret Facebook account that your wife does not know about, and then lie when confronted. He is not at all tech savvy and doesnt know about meta data harvesting or algorithms, so would not have known that I'd be alerted to his presence on Facebook as a friend suggestion.

I will discuss it with him tonight, and my feeling is that this shady behaviour. I've no problem him having social media if he wants it, but it needs to be to conduct the kind of activity that you'd hope of a married person.

Just to caveat this, that I did previously knew he signed up to Facebook 6 years ago. This was following an affair he had, and the sole reason he signed up was so he could search for pictures of the other woman after their affair had ended. He told me after I discovered this that he had deleted Facebook. Even if he never did, he's had a new phone since then so would've had to go through the process of re-logging in or signing back up. So, further proof of shady, right?

I'm assuming the fact I've only just seen him as a friend suggestion means he's either only just re-joined recently, or he's been rejoined a while but searched for my profile for some reason? Does that sound logical?

Anyway, looking for opinions on whether this is shady or could be innocent and how I proceed. Obviously, if it transpires he's cheated again, then I'll absolutely LTB. But obviously because he has form, perhaps I'm being paranoid.

Thanks.

When he says he ‘deleted Facebook’ he presumably meant he deleted the app from his phone or computer. That doesn’t mean his profile doesn’t still exist - people have Facebook profiles they haven’t looked at for 15 years. I sometimes see my dad appear in my People You Might Know. He hasn’t been physically capable of using any electronic devices since about 2018 and even then I doubt he knew his profile still existed.

I think in your shoes I would be a lot more concerned about his previous infidelity than whether he’s been lying about Facebook.

Obviously meant ‘for ages’. Bloody autocorrect…

That would be my thought. If’s hard not to conclude he’s been lurking and monitoring you surreptitiously. And then that leads you to wonder why? Have you been having other tensions in your marriage that have added to your feeling that something is wrong?

Oh gosh OP, no it doesn’t sound good!
Its a shame you mentioned it to him, as he will have had time to delete messages/search history now.

So last time he had a FB account it was to stalk an ex-mistress. Sounds charming. It really does sound like he's on it again. I'm sorry OP but I really don't know how you could have forgiven him after the first time. Unfortunately cheaters rarely stop cheating they just get better at hiding it.

Someone recently told me they had no FB and I said to them that was odd because they'd come up in my suggested friends. They had a look and realised it was an old account from years back and they hadn't been in for years.

Surely if he rejoined he would immediately add you?

DM had three FB accounts, only one is active. They pop up occasionally, as do all my elderly relatives multiple accounts from when they couldn’t log in so just started again.

Given his sordid history with Facebook perving on the ex OW, you’d think / hope, he’d give FB a wide berth forever more if he was serious about his marriage Op

This is the sort of mental gymnastics all people who have been cheated on go through. Forever.

It's horrible. And not your fault and not what you deserve.

However, it doesn't have to be that way.

You lost me when he said has cheated previously. So he’s a liar and you know it already. Ugh. He’s already demonstrated sleazy behaviour - I’d be doubly suspicious this time…

I think it sounds shady.

I would guess that the never did delete the Facebook but deactivated it and only recently has re-activated it hence why he’s just popped up on friends you might know but wasn’t using it a year ago to ask to borrow yours for Marketplace.

The issue isn’t a Facebook profile it’s that your husband cheats on you.

In MY relationship this wouldn’t be at all shady. If someone asked me if I use Facebook I’d say no, because I don’t. I do have an account though that I logged out of one day years ago and just never logged back into.

l’d also say I’d “deleted Facebook” to mean I’d removed the app from my phone, not necessarily that I’d deleted my account.

In YOUR relationship and your husbands history with Facebook I would expect the conditions of forgiveness for his previous affair would be that he cannot be trusted with social media and all account should be FULLY deleted.

However having the account 1) doesn’t necessarily mean he’s actually using it. He could just be like me or 2) sometimes Facebook is useful for things like local buy and sell groups, looking up your local India takeaways menu etc. The fact that he has no info on his account could mean he has a basic one set up for non nefarious things like that. If that’s the case…tough titties he’s lost that privilege and should delete it anyway.

Thanks for replies and thoughts, it is helping. I'm going to be busy with dinner, bath and bedtime now but will talk to him tonight and update.

In your shoes, I'd be suspicious too. He's got form in the past for being unfaithful so he must know that honesty in your relationship now is paramount. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this - I think you do need to confront it head on.

I would suggest he is tech savvy but lied to make you think he wasn’t.
And I’d demand to see his Facebook but he’s likely got rid of anything incriminating already

OK so we spoke.

I said can we discuss this Facebook thing. He said "what Facebook thing?" 🤨 like really.
I said "you know what I'm talking about".

Anyway, he basically cycled between a series of improbable answers that I could immediately disprove because I know a lot more about how Facebook works than he does. Here are an example of his stories:

1. I don't have Facebook

2. I'm registered but don't use it. How would I? Is it an app? I dont have the app (doing a really unconvincing impression of not knowing how apps work)

Here he announced "login if you like - I've got nothing to hide, here, have a look if it'll put your mind at ease. Is it an app? I'll download it and you can check it"

3. I've always had Facebook but don't use it, haven't logged in in years and can't even remember when I last looked at it.

Again he prompted me to login to his account and check.

At this point I said "that's not how Facebook works. For you to pop up now as a suggested friend, you either only just reactivated your account and/or you've searched my profile."

4. turned it on me and said "well this is shocking how little you trust me! Go through my Facebook account if you want, you'll see I've got nothing to hide"

I at this point pointed out that he's had 24 hours to delete anything dodgy anyway, so would be pointless to look, I just want honesty.

He tried to end the conversation by turning the tv on. I said "er, no, wait, this isn't resolved."

He then repeated saying he's not logged on in years. I repeated what I said earlier about why that won't be true. He then miraculously remembered that last week he'd asked one of our children if I'd posted photos on Facebook of an award he'd won. And apparently that then caused him to login to Facebook and search for me.

I said, "so you've gone from I haven't logged on in years and can't remember when I last did, to oh actually now I think of it I logged in just last week."? I said to him "I think you can see how that looks. You've been caught out lying, I just need to figure out why."

He then stomped off to bed. I said, "do you not want to resolve this then?" And he just said he's not discussing it any more and went to bed.

I think he was searching me because he doesn't trust me. There's been other examples of him checking what I get up to and checking my phone history (honestly, there's no reason not to trust me, I couldn't be less interested in having an affair. All I've ever wanted was a happy family and stable life for my kids).

So I think he has searched me for that reason. But I also think he's searched the other woman. Or something equally shitty. Because for him to be so overly keen for me to look at his Facebook makes me know he's wiped it of anything incriminating, which means there something more incriminating than my name in the search history.

God love you, he sounds like a real creep.

To pre-empt the "what's your plan" questions. I don't know.

I'm assuming we will talk again tomorrow and I hope he will be honest, although I doubt it.

I guess this means I start working on my exit strategy.

He does, doesn't he

Honestly. He doesn't have to had searched your account or reactivated it for him to pop up as a friend
Person I work with pops up. I suspect it's because their phone number is on my phone. They genuinely haven't used their account for a number of years, and they've only just popped up on my account after working there for a year. We have no friends in common either.

I understand why you are suspicious, but this isn't a proof.

Oh dear. It’s a shame you haven’t managed to clear up the matter. Please let us know when you do. I’m hoping he hasn’t been up to no good, op

Well he doesn't come out of this well with all the lying and changing his story does he?
The fact he couldn't be open and honest with you is very damming OP given his past behaviour.
A horrible situation for you.

And this sleazebag is around your children

I wouldn’t want my children within a 5 mile radius of a leach like this