Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let her boyfriend move in?

31 replies

Checkmymoves · 13/04/2025 13:42

Dd finishes uni soon. Has plans to move to a particular city with her boyfriend (i won't go into details but it does make sense). Dd and boyfriend have been together 3.5yrs and lived together in student accom while they completed thier degrees. His family live about 90mins on the bus from us (rural area, neither dd or boyfriend drive).

Dd has asked if they can both move in with us when they have to leave their student accomodation this summer. Having spent time thinking about it neither her dad or i feel we could have both of them live here full time without any plan going forward. I've friends where their relationships with dc have been ruined by the stress of that set up.
So not to dripfeed, both dd and boyfriend are ND, myself and dd do clash sometimes, and she really struggles with other peoples rules - i know she will find it difficult living back with her parents.

Myself and her dad have now sat down with her and explained that she's very welcome to move home (we wouldnt ask any rent from her), and that her boyfriend can spend a couple nights a week here, but not move in. We'll help in anyway we can when they are in a position to get a place together.

Dd is really unhappy with us and feels we should support them to stay together (by letting them both move in) until they can "get on their feet". Trouble is the job market is tough and I can see it would be a long stressful road, esp as i work from home.

AiBU? I hate seeing her upset and I do know this is hard for her.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 13/04/2025 13:43

Thats it. You are not being unreasonable.

BlondeMummyto1 · 13/04/2025 13:43

It’s tough luck isn’t it? She will have to put their heads down and earn enough money to go and live together.

Nina1013 · 13/04/2025 13:44

You’re definitely not being unreasonable.

RandomMess · 13/04/2025 13:45

They would be entitled to the housing element of UC if they moved into a shared house and both were actively seeking work wouldn’t they?

They have that option open to them.

CrotchetyQuaver · 13/04/2025 13:46

I wouldn't agree to that either, if they want to carry on playing happy families then they need to work out a way to do it that they can afford themselves. YANBU

travelforthesoul · 13/04/2025 13:47

oh just dont do it. For all the reasons you have stated. It will not work out and resentment will quickly enter the relationship - from all sides.

DrummingMousWife · 13/04/2025 13:48

They have other options, it’s not only your house or nothing. What about his parents home or looking for a house share. Don’t be emotionally bullied into accepting a deal that will put you under immense pressure and ruin your home environment.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/04/2025 13:53

It's that "without any plan going forward" bit which would give me pause too

If they hope for a favour like this I'd at least expect that they'd have approached you with some sort of plan, and ND or not if they can complete a Uni course that plan shouldn't be beyond them

Instead it seems to amount to no more than "we want to live together with you paying", and wanting isn't getting

Snorlaxo · 13/04/2025 13:54

Don’t do it - your reasons are very understandable.

2 nights a week at each other’s house is more than half of the week and I presume that they can both drive to meet for dates on other days.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 13/04/2025 14:12

Snorlaxo · 13/04/2025 13:54

Don’t do it - your reasons are very understandable.

2 nights a week at each other’s house is more than half of the week and I presume that they can both drive to meet for dates on other days.

Did you read the bit where it said neither of them can drive?

But, OP, don't do it. It won't end happily, and given that DD has lived away for so long now, the pressures of just her back in the house full-time would be bad enough. She's used to her own place, and her own rules, and those aren't going to mesh back with yours that easily.

There are other choices - not luxurious admittedly, but this is the real world and they both have to learn that they need to put effort into life. If they want to live together that much it isn't impossible - it just means they have to put in more effort.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/04/2025 14:14

Tough titty said the kitty!

YANBU at all.

MrsPeterHarris · 13/04/2025 14:27

You’re not wrong Op - don’t be bullied into doing something that you’ll regret.

Jeezitneverends · 13/04/2025 14:30

RandomMess · 13/04/2025 13:45

They would be entitled to the housing element of UC if they moved into a shared house and both were actively seeking work wouldn’t they?

They have that option open to them.

Or they could get their heads down and work for a living and save up like normal people do

Agix · 13/04/2025 14:33

You're not being unreasonable OP. Don't do it. I feel for your daughter to thinks she wants this, but do not do it. It will only lead to problems - not just for you, but them too.

Bigfish51 · 13/04/2025 14:33

Help them by researching all the options available to them including benefits.

nomas · 13/04/2025 14:51

YANBU at all. It’s good to see someone sees the pitfalls of this before their adult child’s boyfriend moves in.

You have been very prescient seeing this, don’t be guilt tripped into this.

Tell dd that it’s not parents responsibility to house their children’s boyfriends. They’re not divided from seeing each other.

strangecarinroad · 13/04/2025 15:02

You are absolutely correct, don't give in!
She now has a great reason to get a job and save hard so she can move in with him.
I'm sure they can survive meet8 for dates and a couple of nights at each home per week.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 13/04/2025 15:07

One hundred percent the right decision. Stand your ground.

QuillBill · 13/04/2025 15:12

she wants you to ‘support them to stay together’?

it’s not like you are against their relationship for a start. You said she could move in. She doesn’t have to pay any rent and then her boyfriend can stay with her a couple of nights a week that is supporting them as far as I’m concerned.

MoominMai · 13/04/2025 15:14

Agree with everyone YANBU, but you may need to specify an exact number of nights acceptable for the BF to stay over as I’ve read so many MN posts where this was the original set up but it slowly becomes permanent due to excuses being repeatedly made and then it evolves into the parents struggling with BF living there FT and DD threatening to go no contact if he is kicked out 😬.

Supersimkin7 · 13/04/2025 15:15

They’d be much happier in a house share. YANBU.

And learning to drive.

Like everyone else, ‘without a plan’ is bugging me.

Richiewoo · 13/04/2025 15:31

Absolutely not your house. Your rules. She doesn't have you like it.

SlenderRations · 13/04/2025 15:36

Think dc coming again after uni can be quite a bumpy path - they are used to being I charge of their own space mixed in with remembering parents doing averything for them when they were children - it is a volatile mixture. Handling this with another outisde person in the house would be much harder. Also, it’s your home, and workplace - you aren’t the one in a relationship with this lad so why should you want to live with him?

I think your response is very reasonable and agree with the above comment about being very very clear about how many nights is reasonable to stay over.

outerspacepotato · 13/04/2025 15:40

I wouldn't allow nights over myself but I have another child at home. No boy or girlfriends staying over at all is my rule.

They'll have to get jobs and support themselves if they want to live together.

Largestlegocollectionever · 13/04/2025 15:44

I’d push it back to her and say her reaction to you saying no is very telling and the exact reason why it’s a no!
She has no right to be pissed off at you, it shows how she will behave with anything she doesn’t like.

Swipe left for the next trending thread