To not let her boyfriend move in?

[Checkmymoves]

Dd finishes uni soon. Has plans to move to a particular city with her boyfriend (i won't go into details but it does make sense). Dd and boyfriend have been together 3.5yrs and lived together in student accom while they completed thier degrees. His family live about 90mins on the bus from us (rural area, neither dd or boyfriend drive).

Dd has asked if they can both move in with us when they have to leave their student accomodation this summer. Having spent time thinking about it neither her dad or i feel we could have both of them live here full time without any plan going forward. I've friends where their relationships with dc have been ruined by the stress of that set up.
So not to dripfeed, both dd and boyfriend are ND, myself and dd do clash sometimes, and she really struggles with other peoples rules - i know she will find it difficult living back with her parents.

Myself and her dad have now sat down with her and explained that she's very welcome to move home (we wouldnt ask any rent from her), and that her boyfriend can spend a couple nights a week here, but not move in. We'll help in anyway we can when they are in a position to get a place together.

Dd is really unhappy with us and feels we should support them to stay together (by letting them both move in) until they can "get on their feet". Trouble is the job market is tough and I can see it would be a long stressful road, esp as i work from home.

AiBU? I hate seeing her upset and I do know this is hard for her.

Absolutely not.
Also I wouldn't be saying several nights a week, it could be 4 or 5.
Do not do it.
It will end up being the most thankless thing you do.
It will cause you nothing but stress and annoyance and will not be good for your marriage.

Once you give in, you will be bitterly regret it.
Her reaction to your No is telling.

Tell her it's best she not return home at all if she doesn't feel she can respect and appreciate that this is YOUR house.

Unfortunately this age group can be extremely entitled.
I know I have 4 around that age.
No girlfriends or boyfriends will be moving in here.
Too many horror stories around me to have firmly warned me off.

Too many stories of parents feeling a bit uncomfortable in THEIR home.

Not happening here.

She now has a great reason to get a job and save hard so she can move in with him

And every reason not to bother finding a job if the living and shagging are free

I would at least try in your shoes. The world we grew up in, isn’t the world they are growing up in.

They do “have a plan moving forward” as it’s clearly only until they find work and save up a deposit. You are saying no because due the awful job market and crazy high rents (plus discrimination against ND workers) it might take longer than you’d like. That is out of her control, so I feel it is an unfair requirement from you.

You also feel your ND DD will not bend to your house rules, which she is less likely to be amenable to with you deciding only she can stay with you.

They have been together for 3.5yrs, this is a long term, committed relationship. Your DD is more likely to succeed post graduation with her partner by her side than if she is home cut off from him, angry at you two and distressed.

So, I would at least try it. If it doesnt work out, fair enough but to not even try- that is the kind of decision that causes family rifts and estrangement.

@Checkmymoves you are not going to like me but this is our story.
My undiagnosed but likely ASD daughter was working a minimum wage job when she met her partner at work. He was post graduate she had recently decided to go to Uni a bit later than her peers. Fast forward a couple of years his family decided to move away. He couldn’t drive so would have been unable to get to work. Still on very low paid job he would not have afforded to rent a room.

We offered for him to move in. At first my daughter had a wobble how would she cope sharing her space with a partner. We reassured her it would work out. And thankfully we were right .

They have lived with us for 6 years. In that time they have had the support to both get graduate jobs. My husband taught daughter and boyfriend to drive. They are now in the process of buying their first house .

Yes the arrangement when on longer than we anticipated. But no regrets here.

If I were to agree to something like this it would have an absolute maximum time of 2-3 months. No way would I agree it indefinitely. YANBU.

The plans to move to a particular city need to be stepped up so they can achieve what they want. They won't be the first couple to have to live apart for a while. You're not blocking their relationship by only allowing him to visit for two nights a week!

I'd only let a bf move in either in an extreme emergency or if they were able to pay their way with bills etc. And only because we have a big enough house where it works well (both dds currently have bfs who stay over regularly and are no bother at all).