To think how you look is still essentially the most influential thing in how people treat you?

[Uglybugly1985]

I appreciate I’m nearly 40 so that flush of youth is long gone but I was never good looking so it’s not a new thing but I do frequently notice that people who are attractive get treated differently.

I am kind, helpful, reasonably bright, have hobbies and interests but because I am ugly and fat what I have to say and how people respond to me is different from people who are attractive.

aibu to say actually if you’re ugly - I don’t mean average, I mean ugly like I am, it doesn’t actually matter about anything else? You are written off before you even begin!

I am even featured and in shape and am usually treated well. I genuinely don’t miss the being leered at and weird sexual undertones on dealing with men I got 15-26. Actually a relief that’s gone.

Being with Dd2 is like being with a celebrity. It’s mental the reactions she invokes (16 looks like a super model v tall dresses quite boldly). In Italy we were put on tables at the front of restaurants every time.

It's true. I even notice a significant difference if I wear makeup or not, in the EU country I live in, at least. People are likely to suspect me of shoplifting if I'm makeup free and with slightly scruffier hair than usual. Must be the acne scars.. They will tend to give me better service if I am made-up.
Better looking people having an easier time of things isn't really up for debate, it's a statistical reality.

Sadly, you're right. Personally good looks, a good job, social status; these things don't impress me. What impresses me is the kind of person you are, your morals, whether you have integrity, if you are generally kind towards others etc. But you do get treated differently as a slim, good looking person. I know, i used to be one, not anymore 😂

If you see someone in passing then your first impression is likely to be how they look, the majority of people are too self absorbed to judge because unless they're doing something outrageous or unusual there isn't anything else to go on. I guess this is self centred of me but I notice stuff like ah I bet we like some of the same stuff because I love that clothes brand/band they're wearing and I'm more likely to make an effort to speak to them. Realise that sounds bad!

It's interesting about the friendship groups, I wonder if some is chicken and egg though- if your mates are into maintaining their hair colour, getting tweaks and treatments perhaps you're more likely to be interested in doing the same.

I've always been invisible. Not unattractive, but built like a 12 year old, with a girl next-door kind of face.
Worst was when colleagues would overlook me and call out "where is your teacher?" to my class which was totally undermining.
People would push in front of me in queues assuming I was a random child standing around.
It has got better as I've got older and filled out to a more "womanly" shape. At least people now notice I exist in a neutral way.

It did make my 20s and 30s hard going.

Not true for me.

Definitely a mixed bag on the looks front.

What we have in common is boxes of frogs!

It never ends from those types of men, still dealing with it more than ever. I think some are basically animals

I broadly agree when it comes to first impressions, but I think for most people it changes when you have gotten to know each other better. At work, in the office, I am respected because people know I’m good at my job. In work situations where I am meeting lots of new people, and particularly for older men I meet, they seem to assume I’m less intelligent and capable than I am, or even completely ignore my presence. I can only assume the fact I’m fat and plain is part of that.

I think people judge about everything, so I don’t think looks is necessarily the most influential thing.

I think that the most influential thing is money these days. People seem to like people if they are richer no matter how they behave. If someone is poor (or looks visibly poor) people treat them like shit.

The 3 things that seem to influence how people treat you in the modern world is money, looks and how popular a person is generally. It’s a very narcissistic world.

ive had comments on my looks all my life (being pretty) and I can tell you now that it’s always left me questioning peoples motives. Add that to going through bouts of confidence and feeling derailed and put down by people’s negativity concerning my confidence has often left me feeling like I should just isolate myself because I’m too much for people.

My username may be positivity wins but right now I’m not winning, and I’m always left questioning if my looks have something to do with it. Saying that, maybe I have a terrible personality but I know I do my best to be conscientious and kind. For me it’s a catch 22, people expect good looking people to be arrogant and when they’re not it’s hard for others to deal with because that would be easier for them, on the other hand if you’re good looking and confident you can be judged unfairly and it’s hurtful. Also people expect me to be stupid but I’m not and they find it surprising when they realise I’m not.

its a very fickle world.

I am older than the op and no I dont think any of this, I cant say I feel people treat me any different than 20 or 30 years ago I have different friends of different ages, looks and body shape

I am not friends with anyone who is obsessed with looks or fight aging as none of that interests me, anyone who cant handle me for me has the problem not me

I’m in my 40s, small, fat and not pretty.

Work in tech with lots of young men in their 20s. Treated respectfully from them all.

however, on the interned: people are horrible about fatness. Mumsnet being the worst place

I think you really notice it when it goes, if you’ve had the experience of ‘pretty privilege’. When I was young, I never felt particularly beautiful, but looking back I got an easy time of it from men. Now that I’m older, the rudeness is a shock. I don’t think men in particular have changed, just their perception of my value is influencing how they treat me.

It starts at school,teachers pay more attention to good looking children. Looks can have an effect in job interviews too, though you won’t find it mentioned in any Unconscious Bias course.

How you look, your ‘style’ and what you weigh count for more than anything else for far too many people
It also has to do with class/socio economic judgement, as style/weight etc are often wrapped up in the person knowing the ‘right thing to like’