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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I really that unusual?

45 replies

zoopigi · 13/04/2025 07:38

Here's the story. My DD (19) had been seeing this boy(19) we will call him. Bob since August. They met online, met face to face in October and Bob had been regularly coming up by bus (an hours drive) to see her until December when he went back to his country-he is a seasonal worker in a hotel here.
Bob came back in February, to be told (via the work WhatsApp group) that the hotel wouldn't be opening until the end of March, so he came up to the town we live in and was basically sleeping on the sofa of another friend in their friend group (turns out it was a sleeping bag on the floor), while bussing it up to see DD every chance he got.
Other friend gets annoyed when Bob starts staying at our house at the weekends, and ends up throwing him out so Bob moves in to our guest room-which is where he has been staying at the weekends.
This bring us to mid March when Bob is suddenly removed from the hotel WhatsApp group and he discovers he is now unemployed.
Bob immediately begins applying for jobs and I tell him that at least he doesn't have to worry about getting kicked out of this house.
Three weeks later Bob is gainfully employed, DD is on a school trip and all is well in the world 😀
I was talking to one of my friends the other day and she said that not many people would do that, so my question is, am I really. That unusual of a person???

OP posts:

SoMauveMonty · 13/04/2025 07:48

Why did Bob's friend throw him out because Bob was spending the weekends with you? I don't understand why the friend thought that was a problem.
Also don't understand how Bob found out he'd lost his job via a Whatsapp group, surely his employers would've told him directly?
Anyhoo, i don't think you're that unusual. Does your friend think you've been too trusting and could've been taken advantage of? Bob's been around for a few months now so i guess you've got a sense of what's he's like as a person and felt you could trust him?

Doggymummar · 13/04/2025 07:48

No. I don't think so. He sounds like a respectable hard working person who needs a helping hand for a bit. Now he has a job he can find a room somewhere tho.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 13/04/2025 07:52

I wouldn't have done it, but many people would, I'm sure. It's a gamble, and it also depends on how many other people were in the house, who would have a say in a stranger moving in, and how they felt about it.

Middleagedstriker · 13/04/2025 07:54

I think lots would have done it if he wasn't an idiot.

SaladSandwichesForTea · 13/04/2025 07:54

I think most people would be more concerned about

whst happens of the relationship doesnt go well? Will ypur daughter.feel responsible for him?
they are young and in a fairly new relationship so if they disagree, they don't have private homes to get space because the live together
sorry to be that person but no matter how hard working he is, he is reliant on moving for low paid seasonal work; its not a relationship I'd be proactively encouraging, far less accelerating by giving him a room in my house.

Too much, too young.

Maddy70 · 13/04/2025 08:00

Nope we have had various friends sleeping on our sofa from time to time

PhaseFour · 13/04/2025 08:01

I wouldn't do it, no, because I think 19 is very young for them to be living together (albeit in your house). I would want my DD to have plenty of time to herself outside of her relationship with Bob and her studies. Having never met Bob or your daughter, I could be very wrong, but when does she get time to herself just to be a teenager hanging out with her friends?

RayKray · 13/04/2025 08:03

I’d be concerned about the pressure that would put on my daughter to maintain a relatively new relationship, as his access to housing then depended on staying together which makes things very complicated for someone still pretty young.

mum11970 · 13/04/2025 08:04

A friend of one of my children lived with us for a while when he was in 6th form. He and his mum had had to move out of their house for some reason and she could stay with her partner but no room for son so we let him stay with us. He was just like a sleepover guest who never left for weeks. He went back to his mum when she had suitable accommodation. No kids at home any more but we would be happy for them to bring spouses, partners or friends for as long as they needed or wanted.

Emotionalsupporthamster · 13/04/2025 08:05

RayKray · 13/04/2025 08:03

Absolutely this.

GeorgianaM · 13/04/2025 08:05

We wouldn't have facilitated any of our children having a relationship with an unskilled worker.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 13/04/2025 08:08

I've had kids' occasional partners staying (at my old house where there was plenty of room) but they are all married and settled now. Would I do it again? Only if I had the space for people staying to be able to live their own lives a bit without having to be in the faces of everyone else in the house. I'd worry that my daughter might want out of the relationship but feel unable to say so, I'd worry that I was being fed a line by someone who 'found themselves out of work' and I'd worry that daughter might assume that this is now the default position for any new partner she might get.

But I'm a suspicious bastard these days.

PhaseFour · 13/04/2025 08:10

I speak from experience - I moved in with a BF at that age and with hindsight, I really wish I hadn't. I kissed goodbye to the easy going carefree me time without realising it until it was far too late. By the time I realised, the opportunity just to "be" without having to factor in another person 100% of the time had sort of passed me by. I had also forgone the opportunity to learn to be fully independent. 19 can be a golden age - I have a DC this age now, and I love that he can come & go as he pleases, and can prioritise himself and his friendships as he chooses. He has developed so much of his personality this past year in a way thst I couldn't because I was living with my BF. Because of this I wouldn't want this for any of my DCs. If they moved out and created that situation themselves, that's one thing, but to actively encourage it and facilitate it - no!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 13/04/2025 08:12

I don't agree with the snotty comments about him being an "unskilled worker".

However, I have a 19 year old and there is no way that I would move in a boyfriend that she had been seeing for less than a year. It's way too much pressure and will make it much harder for her to break up with him if she decides that things aren't right.

PhaseFour · 13/04/2025 08:12

RayKray · 13/04/2025 08:03

I agree with this.

Evaka · 13/04/2025 08:16

GeorgianaM · 13/04/2025 08:05

We wouldn't have facilitated any of our children having a relationship with an unskilled worker.

Thank you. This gave me a badly needed laugh.

ProudCat · 13/04/2025 08:17

It is unusual, yes. Shouldn't be though.

Seems like you made a judgment call based on Bob's commitment and the happiness of all.

I ended up with my DD's boyfriend living with us when he was 16. His parents (unlike us) were absolutely loaded but very much 'our way or the highway.' They threw him out. He started to become thin and unkempt so I took him in. This was 10+ years ago. DD and him split up when they were 18. He found himself somewhere to live, a decent apprenticeship, and these days he's engaged (to someone else) and takes home £1,000pw as a chef. Him and DD are still very good friends, we get to eat free at a great restaurant and he calls me his favourite auntie.

It's ok to be a generous person who wants to help others.

Coali · 13/04/2025 08:17

I think most people would be concerned about getting sacked via a WhatsApp group. That sounds completely unbelievable and illegal.

I also think most people would be concerned about safeguarding their child and not unintentionally prolonging their relationship due to proximity. If I had to live with a partner at such a young age I would feel very uncomfortable about breaking up with them if I knew that would make them homeless. Sounds like a difficult position to be in.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 13/04/2025 08:17

RayKray · 13/04/2025 08:03

This. What of she doesn't want to see him every day? Or wants to break up?

TheCurious0range · 13/04/2025 08:19

I wouldn't want my 19 year old daughter to have the pressure of not being able to end a relationship without her boyfriend being homeless. I would've taken him in for a week or two while he found somewhere else to stay.

pizzaHeart · 13/04/2025 08:25

I wouldn’t say it’s very unusual but I wouldn’t do this and I would actually think less of you for doing this because in my view you didn’t prioritize your DD’s interests as many PPs above pointed out.

Yellowpingu · 13/04/2025 08:26

For those saying too much pressure on the DD due to the housing situation, when OP agreed to this everyone assumed he’d be going back to live-in accommodation at the hotel a few weeks later! As for the unskilled worker comment I’m assuming you’re my SIL as that’s the sort of ridiculous nonsense she spouts. I’d have done the same as you OP, in fact the summer before she started Uni the GF of our DS lived with us for 4 months as she could get a better paying summer job where we are. She was 17 and he 18. That was 4 years ago and they still live together now and have been together 6 years.

ARichtGoodDram · 13/04/2025 08:29

Not unusual to offer a temporary shelter, but while you mention Bob having a job you've said nothing about him moving out?

I absolutely wouldn't allow a teenage child's partner to move in indefinitely. This is my children's home and safe space where they can escape anyone (other than siblings and parents) and I'd protect that long term.

Your DD needs her home back.

faerietales · 13/04/2025 08:29

I don’t think it’s appropriate for a 19 year old to be living with a romantic partner in their parents home.

TheJinxMinx · 13/04/2025 08:33

I'm not sure what I would do here. I'm known for being too kind so whilst saying I wouldn't do this I probably would. Others have pointed out the issues correctly your dd has only known him since August. You've moved him into your home so they are now "living together" full time after only a short period regardless of whether he is in a spare room or not. It does put pressure on the relationship and DD who would feel 'guilty' if she wanted to end it or suddenly realized she had no space as she wouldn't want to make Bob homeless. Its also very fishy the friend got jealous of him staying at yours on weekends was this maybe a separate girl and the fact he found out via being removed from a whatsapp group is also very fishy and doesn't sound real. Is he paying keep? Id like to think so. I think you should have encouraged separate boundaries and living for at least one year to be honest. The fact Bob is also okay with this worries me. In all honesty this sounds likenits heading towards an unplanned/planned pregnancy on Bob's part suddenly he will now have a permanent home here and will be applying for housing for the child. I'm sorry OP it happens all the time I could be wrong but thats not an impossible scenario

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