Am I really that unusual?

[zoopigi]

Here's the story. My DD (19) had been seeing this boy(19) we will call him. Bob since August. They met online, met face to face in October and Bob had been regularly coming up by bus (an hours drive) to see her until December when he went back to his country-he is a seasonal worker in a hotel here.
Bob came back in February, to be told (via the work WhatsApp group) that the hotel wouldn't be opening until the end of March, so he came up to the town we live in and was basically sleeping on the sofa of another friend in their friend group (turns out it was a sleeping bag on the floor), while bussing it up to see DD every chance he got.
Other friend gets annoyed when Bob starts staying at our house at the weekends, and ends up throwing him out so Bob moves in to our guest room-which is where he has been staying at the weekends.
This bring us to mid March when Bob is suddenly removed from the hotel WhatsApp group and he discovers he is now unemployed.
Bob immediately begins applying for jobs and I tell him that at least he doesn't have to worry about getting kicked out of this house.
Three weeks later Bob is gainfully employed, DD is on a school trip and all is well in the world 😀
I was talking to one of my friends the other day and she said that not many people would do that, so my question is, am I really. That unusual of a person???

I would hope it wouldn't be that unusual.

I've got a friend of my daughter's staying with me at the moment, who has struggled to get work post-university. She would love to get a place of her own, but until she gets work (it's a really tricky job market right now) it's very unlikely to happen.

I know it's not exactly the same, but I would hate to see someone I know homeless when I have the ability to do something about it.

And I'm a raging introvert that really values my own space.

(Not sure raging is quite the right adjective to describe an introvert, but it's done now 😄)

What is the lads's immigration status? If he does seasonal work but goes "home" otherwise and is sacked by WhatsApp as presumably one of a large workforce I'd be a bit concerned about that angle. It's good that's he is employed now but concerning. And I agree with the others about your DD being young to cohabit, albeit with you. Once he's stable I'd be giving him a timetable to move out.

Top Mumsnet response of the day.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Only you know Bob, we haven't met him but you obviously thought he was a decent enough chap to have stay in your house.
For people that are saying about unskilled worker, seasonal doesn't necesaarily mean unskilled, and also if you look at thr amount of very successful people that have, in their early careers and early 20s, worked odd jobs, seasonal work and worked overseas etc, I think you will find a good many have. I worked at a national newspaper and the CMO told me he spent a year knocking on doors selling windows in the US in his early 20s, I read the Duncan Bannatyne book and he spent a fee years selling ice creams from a truck in jersey in his early 20s.
Only OP has met Bob and she judged him of sound enough character to stay in her home.
I probably would have put a time limit on it though, maybe 3 or 4 months to help him back on his feet with the expectation that he finds alternative accomodation after that.
The amouny of people I know who have done seasonal work in their early 20s (spain, france etc) then gone onto great careers is a lot.

Short term I'd have given him a bed. Long term no. Your dd has ended up in a live in relationship by default and very young. Him being there every day could put pressure on her.

This thread shows that people have no idea about the lack of rights for seasonal workers and why Corbyn wanted the gig economy to come to an end. It can be one of the reasons why foreign workers can suddenly find themselves homeless and on our streets.
OP I agree about the pressure of such an intense relationship at an age were I think people should only be casually dating.

Is he still living with you? What is the employment now - secure?

I definitely would not have him living with us no. Staying a few nights while he got sorted maybe but not living with us and especially not when your daughter isn’t there.

I’m afraid I agree with other comments too - it’s too early in the relationship to live together and also it’s a lot of pressure whatever happens going forwards - you ask him to find somewhere to live? Or he’s still there with you in a year? Or they fall out?

I’d also wondered about his immigration status? Would it be beneficial to him to marry quickly?

I think you are unusual for allowing it yes. That doesn’t make you wrong, just I don’t think most people would have allowed this.

No I wouldn’t have my 19 year old’s partner effectively living in my house. Where is he from? How old is her? Wondering why he is on dating apps in this country when he is not a resident. All sounds a bit iffy.

I think if Bob seems like a nice, considerate, hardworking lad then it was a nice thing for you to do. Obviously if he were taking the piss and had no intention of finding work and didn’t contribute to household tasks at all, it would have been different.

Now he’s working, I’d encourage him to find somewhere else to live.

But no, you’ve done a kind thing here for what sounds like a hard-working man who really likes your DD.

Yes, I think you probably are unusual but I’d like to think I would support a YP like this.

Would I have encouraged such a serious stage in a new relationship of a teenage child and have them move in. Of course I wouldn’t. If any of DS friends that he had known for a long time needed a temp bed that would be different and they could have stayed because they were well known to us and no romance and all the difficult issues it can bring.

@greengreyblue because he wanted to get laid, dating apps are a cess pit of hormones and broken promises often. I’m glad I’m long married and ancient.

This 100%, it sounds to me like you prioritised Bob’s needs over what’s best for your own child.

No, I wouldn't throw my daughter into a relationship situation that did not develop organically. Especially with someone I knew for 5 minutes. He's been thrown out of his accomodation, lost his job and you really have no idea what led to it. Now your dd has been put in a situation that will be very, very hard to extract herself from if she has any doubts
I've had adult partners of my children living with us before but I'm not THAT 'cool' 🤷‍♀️

Well you sound delightful.

Agreed 👍 what happens of DD interest tails off, you're making the guy homeless, or are you favouring him over your DD?

sleeping on the sofa of "another friend" in their friend group...Other friend gets annoyed when Bob starts staying at our house at the weekends, and ends up throwing him out

could it be that the other "friend" is last years relationship and lodging realising they've been usurped?

Something doesn't add up with the losing his job on whatapp.

Bad decision to let him move in.

Yu have a 19 year old, in a short term relationship, effectively now responsible for the housing situation of her bf.

That's a hell of a lot of pressure her.

I wouldn’t have done it personally as he is pretty much a stranger and in a relationship with your dd. Him living in your house takes their relationship to a new level that’s more committed than it should be.

I'm really interested to read the OP's responses after reading the thread. I Hope she comes back.

JFC!

I’d do the same! I don’t think it’s unusual to help your child’s partner! If my DD’s needed a place to stay, he would be welcome here. He’d have to sleep with the dog as there’s no guest room in our teeny house but still, he’s welcome!