To feel like I’m never going to be content?

[Emptybookshelves3]

I’m early 40’s, divorced, 2 DCs, have own place, secure job in reasonably well paid role. Also have a DP who I’m happy with. Have nice friends.

but I rarely feel content.

i have also have ADHD which may be relevant to this. But equally may not- want to see if others feel this way.

In some ways, I ‘do’ more than my friends- lots of holidays, day trips etc, but I can’t say i necessarily enjoy them in the moment.

i feel I struggle with enjoying day to day life. Have done nothing all weekend. Can’t seem to motivate myself. I find it hard to just ‘be’ . I often struggle to relax.

i look at other people’s lives and they seem to be much more grown up. I feel I still live minute to minute. A bit like a student in a way.

I am interested in lot of things, take up hobbies then drop them. I struggle to commit to a weekly activity for example.
and actually have some anxiety about going to clubs.

i feel like im always imagining this better life that’s just around the corner, but i never seem to achieve. I never feel settled if you know what i mean?

is it normal to feel like this? Or is it me?

When you “imagine this better life”, what does it look like?

Do you get out in nature?

I wonder if exploring this with a really good therapist would help.

I'm not sure. I did find contentment harder in my 40s than I do now in my 50s. One of the issues was that if my son is with me, I struggle to feel contentment because I could always be doing better as a mother then I am IYSWIM. (The compensation is that I quite often feel a fizzing joy in the reality of him, looking at him. And I miss him when he's not around, though not in a painful way.)

Have you ever tried mindfulness? I did a practice for a while a decade ago and still occasionally do a bit of it. And I unexpectedly found a yoga class that suits me (never got on with it before) which lets me live in the moment a bit more while im doing it. I think a lot of us are better at relaxing mentally if we're doing something rather than not doing anything.

And yes I should have said I also had 4 expensive years in therapy which has definitely improved things.

Ooh I could write this myself op.

I have ADHD and i suspect on the spectrum with autism. I am never content, I have moments of ‘wow, I feel happy right now!’ But they’re fleeting and I’m never content, always on the go/guilty that I’m not on the go, always something else; I’d like to do the garden up, a room in the house, try a new hobby, tempted to kick DH out on the weekly (I don’t but I’m tempted!), I’m a rubbish mum etc.

Im very hard on myself too, but that stems from very judgemental parents who always saw me as failing and a disappointment. I did the whole therapy thing but the mind is still scattered. I refer it to like wrangling spaghetti into a bowl, just constant and never content/neat piles of brain like I’d like 😅

I feel like this a lot, especially the struggling to motivate myself part!
I suspect I have ADHD, but have never been diagnosed. (Parents were uninterested and didn’t pursue when I was young, I am too lazy/unmotivated to try and get myself a diagnosis as an adult) and I also have a history of depression.

so no advice, I’m not convinced it’s “normal”, but I see you and I’m right there with you!

I’m in this club too OP, possibly ADHD not sure. I have an incredibly privileged life on paper but nonetheless have a tendency to feel like I’m failing in various ways and ought to be doing more of X Y Z. Also have quite a bit of social anxiety (but need to have a social life or I feel miserable).

Not being on social media helps a LOT and I recommend

It's more than likely your adhd , you're dopamine seeking basically to try and balance your brain. Which is why you book/buy/organise things to get a rush but by the time the event comes round you've moved on basically

This sounds very boring, but this ‘better life’ isn’t necessarily that different from my own- just the grown up version.

Ive never really felt settled in a home. Have moved a lot for work, my current place needs decorated properly.

my ‘better life’ would be one where I could invite people round spontaneously without having to do a panic clean and hide all the crap in wardrobes. Id have food in the fridge so could say ‘why not stay for dinner- could make us some <insert simple, but delicious homemade meal> if friends dropped by.

id have a hobby or two ( not the 500 i currently have but never do regularly) that I go to regularly.

id have a realistic plan for weekend which wouldn’t be either massively over scheduled or completely wasted.

I just feel like a ball of chaos. Thinking the answer is medication.

im not sure therapy would help. I’d say all the right things but then revert to type!

I think this describes it perfectly.

I’ve got a cold right now, so not 💯 but had an activity planned for this morning, but now don’t want to go ( had been looking forward to it)

makes me feel like shit

@Youcheekylittlemonkey i suspect is have same issue with therapy. Am not sure it would make any difference.

im leaning more towards medication for it

Can you pick one thing to focus on? So, spend 2025 decorating your home, so that it's nice to spend time in. Get one job done on Saturday and one on Sunday?

You have described me to a tee - and I also think i have adhd!

Struggle to just be , always doing and if I'm not doing I feel guilty.

So distractable and always researching the next thing.

I spend most of my time in my head and disconnected from my body.

When I do manage to slow right down and change gears, I can access contentment and simple joy. But my default is chaos.

I was out for a walk the other day and noticed how difficult I found it to just walk and be at peace , I was feeling profoundly and almost unbearably bored. I couldn't match my head to the pace of the walk.

I feel frustrated If my husband is doing things slowly, if we eat out and i finish I have to FORCE myself to linger and not just get up and make moves to do "what's next"

I feel exactly the same , also have ADHD. I think it’s partly regret that I haven’t made the most of my life and I could have had a better job, relationship, whatever it may be.
My life is not bad but always feel it could be better.
Same with the hobbies , that’s definitely an ADHD thing and chronic overspending.
I’m not medicated.

I have ADHD and I think these feelings are really common. Medication, coaching, and therapy have helped with the productiveness and focus. I do feel better when I have actually finished a project completely and not left piles of stuff lying around. I am more comfortable in myself and have a much better idea of what I want and my goals.

However I'm not what I would call "content". I've actually just accepted that this is how it is right now and stopped judging. I've also accepted that the things that might make me feel content are probably not what other conventional people would do. My goal is not to be content anyway, it's to feel in control - I have years of chaos behind me as well. I've had big highs and big lows. With better emotional regulation I'm calmer now but it also feels a bit blah.

I think that is the sensible thing to do. My problem is trying to do too much so I have everything on my plate and then nothing gets done!

@EggBleater did medication make a big difference?

I would try to embrace it. It's very common with ADHD because our minds are fast and intense.

I don't remember writing this. Very much me.

Sounds like you’re waiting to one day not have ADHD symptoms and be a functional person. I can relate! Sometimes I have acceptance, mostly I’m still trying to turn myself into someone that can focus. Realistically it’s never going to happen but at the same time I still feel like I can do it if I try hard enough. Ugh.

I also have ADHD and have discovered a couple of things that help.

One is: we are not wired to stick to routine so in free time, avoid routine based hobbies. Obviously we need routines to get through daily life and work, but not in areas of life where they are not necessary. That means ( for me) looking up gigs, shows, talks, workshops, weekend or one day courses rather than a regular evening class. You can try out lots of things this way, and produce results: paintings, upholstery, candles, soap, furniture building etc without feeling stuck in one hobby.

For fitness, having a wide choice. If you join a gym, choose one with loads of classes, equipment and a pool, so you can decide one week to do dance classes, next week weights, week after bootcamp etc.

Day to day, I try and add lots of really tiny instant pleasures: feed wildlife, brew really delicious coffee, tea and infusions, always have flowers or a flowering plant in a focal place, choose different music to play during morning and evening routines - anything from beautiful piano sonatas to classic rock or new bands and artists. I vary it a lot. I do 5 or 10 minute yoga, meditations, affirmations etc and no longer feel guilty that i can't handle longer sessions. We're wired for change and restlessness. It's okay to be this way.

I'm very content and happy with my life.

I rarely travel or visit anywhere beyond my little town (which I love) apart from a few places a bus ride away.

I spend very little and earn very little.

I cook from scratch, grow my own fruit and veg, keep chickens.

I walk in nature every day.

My point is, I have a simple, quiet life. I wonder if it's this that helps me feel content.

Another thing that can help is to have a tiny thing to look forward to each day, a small thing each week, a medium thing each month and a major thing each year.

Tiny is stuff like: favourite TV show, walk or coffee with friend.Small is: night out with friends, or to an event that really interests you ( show/ gig/ talk etc) Medium might be a weekend away or a full day event or hosting a party. Major might be a bucket list holiday, moving or renovating house, earning a degree, achieving something big that you've always wanted to do, like running a marathon or publishing a book.

I don’t have ADHD but identify with some of what you’ve said. I’ve had to let go of the imaginary version of me (crafter, cooks loads from scratch, great host, etc) and try to cherish the person I actually am. It’s a work in progress. Therapy has helped.

@Emptybookshelves3 medication did help, though it took a while to get the right dosage as it turns out I'm quite sensitive. Once I get better routines and systems in place I hope to stop taking the meds. I also do a lot of learning about executive function and experimenting with what works for me. It's taken a year so far and I've still got plenty more to improve on.

Also, like one of the other replies, I simplified my life. Instead of trying lots of different things, I now do a lot less. I cut out relationships that didn't work for me, cut down on social engagements, and generally say "no" to people and activities a lot more. I don't have all this extra noise around me any more.

It’s adhd. You need to accept it to a degree, you also need to wonder what everyone else lives like properly. Maybe I’m wrong but most peoples houses aren’t totally clean all the time if they work, in most cases there will always be some dishes, some laundry pile, a bin that needs to go out, some surfaces undusted etc. how far are you from a ‘realistic clean house’ vs ‘perfectly clean house’
Then I think you need to make a list and start working towards it, but accept you have adhd and so you might not be able to do everything the best most cost effective way.