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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling guilty for not taking DS on holiday

43 replies

Irrationalfear45 · 12/04/2025 22:38

DS 20. At uni. Has tried to get a job but nothing available. I’ve helped him with applications so know he’s tried, but he’s also been ok with living off his student loan and some help from the bank of mum and dad.

Last year we took him on two vacations. A week in a US city and 5 weeks to another long haul destination.

This year DH and I have been on holiday once already without DS and are going on another for the summer. We have not invited DS.

At first I felt perfectly fine with this. He’s an adult. He’s at uni. He’s learning to be independent and manage his loan.

But as our second holiday is approaching I’m starting to feel guilty. We have got lovely plans and DS will not have a holiday this year. He hasn’t been able to save enough for one as his loan and our help have gone on uni and the living expenses.

I feel awful. But equally I work hard all year and value time with DH. DS will need more financial help next year without a job, and I don’t have enough to help him at uni so he has the luxury of not working, and pay for his holidays anymore.

AIBU?

ETA DS is not complaining about not coming. He hasn’t mentioned it. It’s just my personal guilt I’m battling with.

OP posts:
Rocknrollstar · 12/04/2025 23:00

Sorry but he is 20 and at uni. It is no longer your responsibility to provide vacations for him. Perhaps you could pay him to do some jobs round the house while you are away?

nightmarepickle2025 · 12/04/2025 23:03

Is your husband not his father?

herbalteabag · 12/04/2025 23:06

I don't think you should worry. He's 20 and hasn't even mentioned it, and he has his whole life to go on holidays. He might even be looking forward to having the house to himself!

CarpetKnees · 12/04/2025 23:08

I might have voted wrong.
YANBU to go on holiday without him
YABU to feel guilty about it - which way is the AIBU ?

However, if he hasn't got himself a job in 6 terms at University, then I suspect he needs his holiday weeks to work to make up for it.

Original poster
Irrationalfear45 · 12/04/2025 23:12

Rocknrollstar · 12/04/2025 23:00

Sorry but he is 20 and at uni. It is no longer your responsibility to provide vacations for him. Perhaps you could pay him to do some jobs round the house while you are away?

Good idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Irrationalfear45 · 12/04/2025 23:12

nightmarepickle2025 · 12/04/2025 23:03

Is your husband not his father?

Yes he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Irrationalfear45 · 12/04/2025 23:14

CarpetKnees · 12/04/2025 23:08

I might have voted wrong.
YANBU to go on holiday without him
YABU to feel guilty about it - which way is the AIBU ?

However, if he hasn't got himself a job in 6 terms at University, then I suspect he needs his holiday weeks to work to make up for it.

I hope he can get something over the summer, it’s very hard at the moment. He’s applying to work abroad in the US summer 2026, so will need to save for this too and the visa etc. He does need a job.

OP posts:
rosyvalentine · 12/04/2025 23:15

No shade OP but I would take my DS (22) on holidays because I want to spend quality time with him, not because I feel guilty if I don't.

Aussiebear · 12/04/2025 23:16

Enjoy your holiday, at some point some how he has to start earning and paying for his own holidays if he wants one. I'm not saying it to be mean but because independence is the best gift you can give, especially financial self sufficiency

Overthebow · 12/04/2025 23:19

Ah I don’t know. Yanbu if that’s what you want, but personally if I was in your situation I’d have one holiday with just DH and the other with DC too. My DC are only young now but I’d like to think when they’re 20 I’ll still like to spend time with them and enjoy holidays with them.

CarpetKnees · 12/04/2025 23:22

I hope he can get something over the summer, it’s very hard at the moment.

The older he gets without ever having worked, the harder it will become.

Why do you think it is hard? Are there particular factors that mean there are no jobs either at home or in his University town ?

BettyBluey · 12/04/2025 23:31

I would still take mine if they would come at your DS age, without a doubt!

Your ds is too polite to say anything and even if you ask him about it he would make an excuse to not want to come- deep down he does, especially as he had lovely holidays with you last year- he hasn’t ‘changed’ in a few months.

pinksquash13 · 12/04/2025 23:37

I would feel guilty too but if he'd got a job he would be able to afford a holiday with friends. Hopefully he'll get a job for summer. Where abouts is he based to not find a pt job? I would try to put the guilt out your mind. You aren't bu and I totally get the need for quality time with DH.

KeyToTheCity · 12/04/2025 23:39

Why the guilt? If your 20 year old DS is offered the choice of going on holiday with his parents or having the entire house to himself for a week or two, I wonder which would appeal?

Shaniva · 12/04/2025 23:51

Mine have only had one two week holiday in their lives. If they had 2 hols in a year, including a 5 week one, they would consider they'd done very well and wouldn't blink at not having a holiday the next year.

He still has plenty of time to get a summer job.

You could consider taking him away in the UK for a long weekend or giving him a small amount of money to do so himself, depending on whether this would encourage too much "bank of mum and dad" thinking vs being a nice way to connect and show you care, especially if he is struggling.

FruitFlyPie · 12/04/2025 23:56

I've always been close to my parents and got along well with them, but at that age I'd have preferred the house to myself rather than go on holidays with them.

jelliebelly · 12/04/2025 23:59

Actually I think YABU - why do family holidays have to stop because they are Uni age? My DS is just finishing first year of uni and will be coming on holiday with us in June - I wouldn't dream of just going without inviting him along. He has his whole life ahead of him to find a job and start earning money.

0ohLarLar · 13/04/2025 00:03

Do you live somewhere with a major shortage of jobs? In most places there are more jobs than seekers, especially the sort of lower paid stuff a student can normally get. Has he not even got part time hours?

Vivi0 · 13/04/2025 00:05

I’m not in this situation, yet. My children are much younger. But I would absolutely still be offering to take them on holiday with me at that age and hoping that they would want to accept the offer.

Shaniva · 13/04/2025 00:29

jelliebelly · 12/04/2025 23:59

Actually I think YABU - why do family holidays have to stop because they are Uni age? My DS is just finishing first year of uni and will be coming on holiday with us in June - I wouldn't dream of just going without inviting him along. He has his whole life ahead of him to find a job and start earning money.

We are hoping to do this too, but I also think it's normal and fine for people not to.

Depending how much uni ends up costing us, there may be no holidays for any of us for a few years!

Hufflemuff · 13/04/2025 00:35

I'm not really sure I believe that it's THAT hard to get a part time job to be honest. If you're studying at uni, you're usually considered the ideal candidate for a little weekend or evening shift work.

despairdespair · 13/04/2025 00:40

My children at that age were holidaying with their friends . It really wasn’t an issue.

Original poster
Irrationalfear45 · 13/04/2025 00:58

Hello, just to respond to a few points, DS is at a uni in a tiny town. There’s not a lot there besides the uni and a small town. I’ve been looking as well as DS and there really hasn’t been very much available.

His uni is three hours away from our home, so he needs a job near uni for term time and a job near home for holidays.

To compound the issue, we live in an even smaller village, and DS drives, but doesn’t have a car. He couldn’t take one to uni, so it seemed like there was no point. He can’t drive mine as insurance is over £6000 a year. So he’s limited to where he can walk to, or where the bus can get him.

As for taking him with us, we basically live abroad for the summer. 5-7 weeks. DS definitely doesn’t enjoy spending his entire summer there, now he’s older. Last year he was ok for the first few weeks and anxious to get home and see friends in the last few weeks. He’s not miserable or anything, but you can sense he’s had enough and it then makes it harder for Dh and I to relax. We have an apartment, but it’s quite a distance from anything. So you have the pool and whatever food is in the fridge. He has to rely on DH to drive him about and the nearest shops/ restaurants etc are a good few miles away.

But for me holidays are the be-all-end-all and I feel DS should have a holiday and feel guilt he isn’t getting one, despite him not expressing any disappointment.

OP posts:
Overthebow · 13/04/2025 06:53

If you’re away for the whole summer couldn’t he come for a week and have a holiday and then go home for the rest of summer?

ReplacementBusService · 13/04/2025 07:01

At the age of 20, I'd have been delighted if my parents went away all summer and left me in care of their nice empty house. I loved my parents but the joy of a free house would definitely cancel out the wish for a holiday at that age. They did this when I was 19 and didn't fancy going away with them - tremendous three weeks that was!!! I suppose they did offer me the option, so it's different in that sense

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