Feeling guilty for not taking DS on holiday

[Irrationalfear45]

DS 20. At uni. Has tried to get a job but nothing available. I’ve helped him with applications so know he’s tried, but he’s also been ok with living off his student loan and some help from the bank of mum and dad.

Last year we took him on two vacations. A week in a US city and 5 weeks to another long haul destination.

This year DH and I have been on holiday once already without DS and are going on another for the summer. We have not invited DS.

At first I felt perfectly fine with this. He’s an adult. He’s at uni. He’s learning to be independent and manage his loan.

But as our second holiday is approaching I’m starting to feel guilty. We have got lovely plans and DS will not have a holiday this year. He hasn’t been able to save enough for one as his loan and our help have gone on uni and the living expenses.

I feel awful. But equally I work hard all year and value time with DH. DS will need more financial help next year without a job, and I don’t have enough to help him at uni so he has the luxury of not working, and pay for his holidays anymore.

AIBU?

ETA DS is not complaining about not coming. He hasn’t mentioned it. It’s just my personal guilt I’m battling with.

The year my eldest turned 16 we left him home at half term to revise while we took the other kids away

When we got home, he greeted us with "I love living alone and I'm going to live alone FOREVER!"

It sounds like your DS doesn't especially love your long summer holiday and he might enjoy being home alone. Equally, he might decide to do what my eldest used to do which was to visit uni friends for a couple of days or go off camping with those friends.

I'm not sure why you're feeling guilty. Most young people aren't holidaying with their parents by uni age. You are spending money on his education instead.

Do you know op's DS or are you a mind reader?

Did you previously take him out of guilt or obligation or did you enjoy having him there? It doesn’t sound like taking him would be expensive given you have an apartment. I’d offer to take him for a week if I were you but if you don’t want him there that’s ok too.

Probably a mind reader. They are common in these parts I find.

We’ve always had great fun as a family of three. But last summer in the final weeks, all he wanted to do was sit in the apartment on his phone.

It meant days were split. DH and I would perhaps go for dinner, then I’d come home and make food for DS who would have eaten, but not properly. So we’d have had steak whilst he made himself sandwiches. So I felt guilty about that despite it being his choice.

He’d ask the date or the time a lot. Stopped coming to the pool or on days out and got excited a day before coming home.
So DH and I said he’s not coming next year.

As for coming over for a week, I don’t think people are understanding. It’s not that he wants to come and we’re now trying to find a way to add him on. He’s not booked, doesn’t mention coming, but I feel guilty. It’s a me problem.

I called him down late last night before I went to bed and asked him outright if he wanted to join us. He said maybe next year, but he feels we go for too long and he’s got things he wants to do here. He’s not worried and also, his next holiday he’d actually like to go to New York, he’s done our location to death.

I still feel bad spending money on us to have a nice holiday whilst Ds gets left home. I don’t know why I feel guilty, I just do.

Even in a tiny town there will be work - there’s always work. It’s probably just not work he wants to do or there is some issue with how he presents at interview. Care homes are crying out for staff and almost every small town has a care home. Gardening/ handyman/labouring type work is generally available too - get him to join next door and local Facebook groups. Supermarkets, pubs, sports centres and gyms, corner shops, restaurants, delivery driver (he could rent a moped). There has to be something.

You definitely shouldn’t feel guilty about not taking him on holiday! He should be paying for himself or working in the holidays.

Or he might be too polite to say no! Hanging out with friends is more important in that age I would think. Personally I wouldn't have wanted to go but I wouldn't be able to say no to not hurt any feelings.

Can he come this year just for a week?

If you have an apartment there is no additional cost apart from flights. He could get the flights on the cheapest days and just come for a few days.

Personally I couldn't have several holidays and not take my DC, if they lived at home, for at least a few days.

It doesn’t sound like he wants to go, so that’s fine. FWIW our 20yo DS came skiing with us this year (to a place we go every year) and only stayed 3 days (got a cheap £20 flight home) as he had things he wanted to do at uni. He’s coming away with us this summer - really keen to join us and other friends and I’m delighted as it’s his year abroad starting in Sept and we’re unlikely to see much of him at all.

Once children turn 18 then in my opinion there is zero responsibility to provide holidays or to feel guilt about going on ones without them. One may CHOOSE to or pay in part but it is purely a choice. Apart from paying towards college, they run their own lives, including leisure as they see fit within the budget constraints they have. No part time job, no holidays. Even that is giving them a massive boost, my part time and summer jobs funded core college costs of accomodation, books, food, travel etc and the notion of a holiday was completely alien. As for thinking that a 20 year old student who apparently has never worked having a place like New York even on their radar as a holiday destination speaks of a high level of privilege. My own just 18 year old is staying at home this summer while his sister and I go away for a week. He wants to work and earn both towards college costs and so he can choose what his fun money is spent on, in his case a few festivals and nights out. A week away with boring mum and sister would be 500 euros foregone.

Wouldn't dream of not including my eldest who is 22 and her brother who is 20 . We have 3 younger ones also and holiday a lot .
Although mine live at home in Dublin for university so maybe that's one of the reasons ?

My DS is the same age and also at Uni.
In an equally small town with a heavy student population so he hasn’t got a job there but works full time when he is at home, worked Christmas, working now at Easter and will work when he comes home in the summer.
How on earth is insurance £6000 a year? Rather than taking multiple holidays, buy him a little cheap runabout and insurance it for him. DS has had a car since he was 17 on a multi car policy and his insurance is now less than mine. Then he might actually be able to get a job.
DS been away with his girlfriend last week and is going to Greece with her in the summer. We went away last summer with him and his younger brother and will do the same this year. Nothing at all to do with feeling guilty but I genuinely want to spend time with him. I could not be away on holiday knowing that DS had been at Uni all year and not going on holiday. Totally different if it’s a cost issue but I get the impression from your post that it isn’t.

My dd has also struggled to get a job. The problem with being im a big uni city is there are loads of students. She has applied for dozens in tesco, hotels, bars and shops, even McDonalds won't consider her. My DN had a similar experience, and applied for 80 jobs before he actually got a bar job after being recommended by a friend.

All that to say, me and dh have been doing holidays without the dcs since the youngest was 15. Weve also had a family holiday every year, sometimes a big deal like a cruise, sometimes a city break for 5 nights. Dd is 19 and keen for a free holiday. DS is 21 and working, but lives at home. He would come for a big deal holiday but not on all holidays. This year we are taking the ferry go amsterdam, doing a couple of days in the city then 5 nights at a eurocamp park with dd, where we can do day trips to cities and local attractions. DS is not interested. In the autumn we are going to have a fly and flop week in the sun, just us. We like holidaying with the kids as we get to see a different side of them as young adults, and they are grateful, but do not expect to be included in all our plans.

This though mine didn't even offer to take me on holiday. My parents went to all sorts of far flung places when I turned 18. It wouldn't have even occurred to me that I should have been asked to go with them or they should feel guilty for it! I thought jt great they got some quality time together and also having a house to myself for 2 weeks!

I can't think any of my friends that were going away on family holidays at age 18-20. Most of us wanted to spend the time with friends!

For context, my son is also 20, also away at uni 3 hours away. He isn’t coming away with us and his younger sisters this summer. No guilt felt by me- he finds our holidays a bit boring now. And I found him a bit annoying the last time he came, 2 years ago.

Last year he went on a cheap holiday abroad with some friends he lives with at uni. Win win all round.

Maybe in the future we may go away again as a group of family. But not now. I certainly don’t feel any guilt about that.

One of mine was at University in a small town (where the student population outnumbered the native population). there were still jobs. All those students need services, as well as the home population.

£6000 for car insurance ? Really ? How much research has he done on that ? Has he researched what it would cost for different, smaller cars ?

If you live in such a remote village that no work is available, he could stay in his University town and work there. You aren't going to be at home anyway, so no difference for him.

Same. I think the mindset is different in UK where kids go off to Uni aged 18 and often don't move back home. I take a few mini breaks during the year alone with DP but any holiday longer than a long weekend is a family holiday and our older kids are always invited and still seem happy to come along. The one who is working (early 20s) is happy to pay for some family meals out when we're there. I'll miss them when the day comes that they don't want to join us anymore!