DS 25 has never spent a night away from either myself or DH since 2016

[MyBrightGoose]

DS is 25 and has ASD, it just dawned on recently that DS has never spent a night away from either myself or DH since 2016, which was when he went on a school trip in sixth form for 5 days. DS has a degree and works full time and has always lived at home. DS has never had a relationship and has no friends.
The only holidays DS has gone on are family holidays, in separate rooms but in the same hotel since he was a teenager.

I have started to wonder whether DH and I have babied him too much as an adult? Recently he went to a local shopping centre which involves a 30 minute train journey, I would ask DS to text me when he has got to the shopping centre. Also, DS texts me every time he gets to work so I know he has got to work safely. Because of this routine we have developed, if one day he forgot to text me my mind would instantly be worrying about whether he has been a car accident. His commute to work is only a 25 minute car journey. I just wonder whether am I right to think this? Compare this to a friends son around the same as DS who has been working/exploring Australia for the past 6 months, just him and his girlfriend.

I just wondered does anyone know any adult DC in a similar situation to my DS?

Your second paragraph would seem to suggest that you have

Maybe. It is hard to say without knowing how affected he is by his autism. Does he need this level of support or not?

I can’t imagine many men would go along with that and would have rebelled years ago. Is it the ASD that makes him compliant?

It’s not a situation I can imagine to be honest. I have never suggested to my adult dc that they might die on an everyday journey. My 21 year old is at university and we FaceTime once a week on average and text occasionally throughout the week.

Both my dc went clubbing often as soon as they were eighteen and I did worry about that but I didn’t discourage it. I’ve never asked them to contact me when they are out having a good time with their friends.

I think if he wasn't happy, he wouldn't do it. I was like that until I was 22 but then I very very definitely had to leave home. The moment just came when I had to leave. Maybe he hasn't reached that, and maybe he won't?

I know two men who stayed at home for their entire adult lives and were very happy. I worried about what would happen when their parents were gone. In the end, the men looked after the parents beautifully in their old age, and then died peacefully at home themselves shortly afterwards. I think they had happy lives.

Its hard to say with ASD. I have a 12 year old with ASD, and he doesn’t text me when he gets to school/back (30 minutes train journey). But he is very reliable/would absolutely call me at the first sign of trouble.
But i don’t think he‘ll ever explore australia on his own.
I think you’ll need to find your own “right”, which is somewhere between the extremes.

If everyone is happy with the set up it's absolutely fine. If one party isn't then it's time to have a conversation about changing things. My worry would be you have made your DS too reliant on you & he will struggle to cope should you become unwell etc. For that reason alone I would encourage him to be a bit more independent.

i think you need to undo the apron strings a bit (lot). As a minimum don't have him text you. you will know soon enough if something horrible has happened.

If it's your anxiety that's the issue then perhaps you need help for that?

Could you get something like Life 360 (and then don't look at it!). Although all that will do is have you know where the horrible thing has happened...

I think it's reasonable for you to have him text you if he's going to be late for tea if he's usually present for meals.

Does he shop/cook/do his washing/clean? If not he needs to be doing that as well.

To ease him into independence could you and DH go away for a night or two and leave him to it? Presume he can look the doors/take care of pets/turn the oven off etc etc?

My DS is a couple of years older than yours and also has an ASD diagnosis. Hell would freeze over before he would text me with his wearabouts like yours does. He does text to let me know he's arrived when travelling abroad but would never do it in this country. But he lived away for Uni and it was easier then to work on the basis of 'no news is good news'. I actually found that I worried more when he moved back home after Uni as I knew when he was out, but I didn't make him message me and if I'd tried to I'd have got short shrift! He's now got his own house so I once again don't know where he is and wwhen.Doesn't stop me worrying but that's my problem not his.

My son is only 11 and it's very hard to know what level of independence he's capable of. He is in scouts so he's been able to have nights away camping in an environment I know appropriate help would be available.

I can easily see how this routine of "checking" would develop. However as you know he has been independently driving to work for sometime it would be worth having a conversation to see if he is happy to stop that.

In all honesty, yes, it sounds like you have. Gradually stop the work texts until he only texts if something is different, eg he’ll be working late or his car is sounding funny or whatever. I think you might be limiting his life inadvertently. Encourage him to become more independent and to go out a bit, eg a club or class by himself.

You need to separate habit from need.

Like the texting when he is at work... why? Is he liable to get lost? Or have some other crisis? He's able to drive himself and have a job, so obviously capable of some independence.

Can he cook, clean and do personal hygiene without a reminder? Or does he need structure or help from a carer.

You have held him back because of your own anxiety. You haven't done him any favours.

How is her DS supposed to know that he's been held back by his anxious mother? This is all he knows. He doesn't know what he's capable of.

Why would he be in a csr accident? Unless his driving is impacted by ASD?

This isn't ok, you must get help to learn to cope with your anxiety, and your DS also needs help to reset his relationship with you.

Maybe try and work towards only texting in the event of reporting the unexpected, rather than the expected? So only if there is a delay or issue. Then try and go on the assumptuon that no news is essentually good news (meaning nothing unexpexted has occured and all is ok).

I'd worry that the requirement to text as frequently as he does to reassure you, could possibly undermine his confidence in his own abilities, which could hold him back, even if it’s subconscious.

I think it's time (well overdue in fact) for you to say to your DS that you have realised you are overly anxious and it would be healthy for you to let go a bit. Instead of texting to tell you he has arrived at work how about letting you know when he is setting off for home? Ditto a trip to the shopping centre. Then stretch that to you only needing to know if he's unexpectedly delayed.

If he's not already doing so, give him some independence at home - shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. Treat him more as an equal family member. Then why not go away for a night/weekend with your DH? If you are holidaying together, who decides where and when you are going? Encourage him to develop any interests he has, where he might meet more people nearer his age.

I'm not sure if this limited life is for his comfort or your's.

@MyBrightGoose

But he's managed to complete a degree so that's pretty incredible

What makes you think, considering the above, he isn't capable of a lot more?

My 15 year old ASD walks to school on his own. He can't do mainstream so is more disabled than yours (couldn't possibly have a degree, will go into protected training/work soon). If he can take the bus on his own (after having taken the same route with le several times) and walk to school and back without me worrying then I do think you are too anxious about your son and that your anxiety has taught him that you don't trust him so why would he trust himself ?

Limit texts re work journey for exceptions, so if going to be late home.

How independent is he with cooking and cleaning?

A relative’s adult son still lives at home and he in his 50s. His mum still cooks his meals and does his laundry. He has a job and is fully capable of looking after himself but his mum still wants to mother him. It’s not great

Possibly but it depends on if either party feels it is. Maybe slightly break it apart with no text to say safe at work and build it from there ....

I think recognition as an issue and starting to encourage more independence. I’d worry what will happen when you can no longer support him.
Would he be open to any hobbies. I’m thinking on the lines of volunteering with scouts which would be supportive atmosphere.

No, not if he has a disability that means he finds it difficult to cope. It's sad that he doesn't have other relationships but I assume that's something that can't be helped. Whatever supports him best.