DS 25 has never spent a night away from either myself or DH since 2016

[MyBrightGoose]

DS is 25 and has ASD, it just dawned on recently that DS has never spent a night away from either myself or DH since 2016, which was when he went on a school trip in sixth form for 5 days. DS has a degree and works full time and has always lived at home. DS has never had a relationship and has no friends.
The only holidays DS has gone on are family holidays, in separate rooms but in the same hotel since he was a teenager.

I have started to wonder whether DH and I have babied him too much as an adult? Recently he went to a local shopping centre which involves a 30 minute train journey, I would ask DS to text me when he has got to the shopping centre. Also, DS texts me every time he gets to work so I know he has got to work safely. Because of this routine we have developed, if one day he forgot to text me my mind would instantly be worrying about whether he has been a car accident. His commute to work is only a 25 minute car journey. I just wonder whether am I right to think this? Compare this to a friends son around the same as DS who has been working/exploring Australia for the past 6 months, just him and his girlfriend.

I just wondered does anyone know any adult DC in a similar situation to my DS?

My DS is a couple of years older than yours and has an ASD diagnosis.
Him leaving to go to university was the most traumatic experience for me but the best thing ever for him.

I appreciate that ship has sailed for you but was it not something you and your DS considered?

I don’t understand why, if he is capable of holding down a job and a driving license why he is required to check in with you all the time. Is this your anxiety or his?

My nephew is the same but is 30.

However, the only time he texts when he has got to work is when the weather is bad.

despite much encouragement he only goes out with his parents or his sister. He is a very happy and contented chap though. He has no specific friends but will happily chat to family and colleagues and doesn't seem to worry about not having friends.

My ds is only 8 but has asd I can imagine a similar situation when he is older. A scaffolded adulthood. Your ds hasn’t gone away because he doesn’t have any one to go with not because you baby him. If he’s happy and coping I’d say well done.

I work with adults who use care services. And I have worked with quite a few families in your situation OP but 30 years down the line. When the parents are starting to contingency plan about how their adult ASD child is going to manage when they’re no longer able to provide that low level of care.

It sounds like you son has a great level of independence and I’m sure even if he lived alone he’d manage well, perhaps with some support depending on what you do for him with managing his day to day.

Have you ever spoke to him about what he would like to do in the future? How does he see his life?

Personally I’ve always wondered with some of the people I’ve worked with if maybe the parents should have worked with their son, for some reason it has always been sons, to encourage a level of independence so the their support doesn’t end up dropping off suddenly one day due to health etc.

Seperately, my SIL as ASD, she went to uni as far away from her mum as she could, but needed a PA for the support her mum provided. She stayed in her uni town, has rented a house, with support of her PA. Unfortunately she’s never found paid employement but she fills her time with volunteering. She has never been interested in friends or relationships but seems to be loving a fulfilling life.

What is your long term plan?

Can you help DS work towards living an independent life?

Or will he need to live in an independent living community when you are no longer able to care for him?

Unless he has learning difficulties (which can happen alongside autism, and isn't clear in your OP how disabled he is) then yes, you're overprotective.

It's actually really damaging to mental health to have overprotective parents - the outcomes can be really bad for adults who were overprotected as kids.

Can you encourage more independence from him? Does he have a gf or bf?

My DD has adhd and autism. A number of students at her uni had autism, only one lived at home and she moved into halls for one year to experience living on her own with her family close by.

if he is bright enough to go to uni then he is almost certainly bright enough to live on his own and start to establish a social life.

my DD found the neurodiverse society at her uni very useful and made lots of friends there. Her second year flat had only one non autistic person in it.

Asking him to text you when he gets to work is too much,
Your own anxiety is being pushed over to him
My own mother was / is very anxious and even being around her and seeing her hyper reactions to everything makes me feel extremely anxious

Sorry I haven’t read the full thread but would be over the moon of my son with asd went to uni or drove himself to work or indeed has a job. So I wouldn’t sweat this - I think it’s fine

@FortyElephantswhat a horrible post - just leave

This.
I think you should help him build some independence and then he can take it from there
If he wants. Find Me is a useful application for tracking someone's whereabouts for your own peace of mind, and you can say its for the purpose of finding his phone if lost.

Another thought.
You may need to work up to it, but maybe he would consider a group holiday in time?