To wonder how you forgive yourself for being with a guy who was below your level and didn’t treat you right?

[ForBreezySloth]

Looking back, I can’t help but feel like I settled for someone who didn’t deserve me. He wasn’t on my level and didn’t treat me the way I deserved to be treated. How do you get past the regret and truly forgive yourself for allowing that to happen? I’m trying to figure out how to move forward without feeling like I made a huge mistake.

In what way "not on your level"?

Take it as s learning experience. Don’t settle for someone if you have doubts about compatibility.

You learn from your mistakes and don’t make the same mistake again. Someone doesn’t treat you well? End it. Simples.

By having massive amounts of compassion for yourself.
Treat yourself how you would a friend. We never know who people are they often hold back many flaws. We might of not been modelled healthy relationships or how to spot red flags. We all make mistakes and we are all learning.

I take it you're out of the relationship now?

You either sit thinking about the regret for the relationship and wasting more time or you just think it wasn’t right for me and move on

I periodically look at his Facebook page and remind myself that the life he is pretending to have now was the life he pretended we had. It was fake then and its fake now. I just feel sorry for those caught up in his aura.

You don't judge a fly for getting caught in a spiders web. You admire it for fighting its way out and being more cautious next time.

Most women go through a shitty relationship, it's not rare or anything to be embarrassed about.

Chalk it up to a valuable learning experience. We learn by making mistakes. Reflect on why you stayed knowing he wasn't right for you and why you tolerated his behaviour, then work on making changes so you don't do it again.

Why would you need forgiveness for the way someone else treated you? You are not responsible for his flaws, his weaknesses or his behaviour. Women are conditioned by society to take responsibility for the shit behaviour of men, and that's not OK.

Instead of berating yourself for the mistake try asking yourself "what have I learned?" What are the lessons from this relationship that you will carry forward into your next relationship that will help you to set healthy boundaries and prioritise your own needs? Personally, I don't believe any relationship is a waste of time, there's always something you can learn from it.

Yes, been out of the relationship for a while now

You literally stop yourself dwelling on it.

Dont waste more time on it.

Live your life and be happy!

You learn something from every life experience, good or bad. They taught you that you are worth being treated with dignity and respect even if they couldn't provide it.

Honestly time heals. And the further you’re away from the situation, the more you understand it wasn’t you.

I dated a complete twat after my divorce. I look back now and cringe. And I look at his FB now and again as we’ve got a lot of mutuals and I realise my life has moved on and he’s doing same old over and over again.

He’s now dating another recent divorcee - that’s his MO - finding women at a vulnerable point in their life and playing the white knight.

As another PP said, dating a fuckwit is something many of us has done, forgive yourself by moving on.

I remember reading something once that said women who lack self confidence will aim for someone below their ‘level’ in terms of attractiveness and intelligence. Thinking they will be safe from abuse or cheating and will be appreciated - but it’s a mistake because men don’t suffer from that lack of self confidence!

What is this 'below your level' stuff ? That reads like he didn't earn enough or something and that some people are below your level and this man might be perfectly suited to a women you might also consider to be 'below your level'. Either he's a shit man or he's not and if he's shit then no woman deserves him.

Well, it could mean that the OP is a human rights lawyer or a paediatric surgeon who works in war zones, and a decent human being to boot, and the guy she dated was longterm unemployed with a police record for petty crime as long as your arm and a trail of children he never sees and doesn’t support with six different women. I wouldn’t think it controversial to suggest he was ‘below her level.’

Yes! This! god forbid a woman have some self esteem and consider that she has options in looking for her match.

This all sounds very dramatic. You don’t need forgiveness for dating someone that was a bit of a shit in some way or another.

I find it easier to separate it out.

They are not a reflection of you.

You were incompatible, weren't a good fit, weren't right for each other.

Do a bit of reflecting on things you wouldn't do again.

Then just focus on living your life in line with your values.

Also, I do think blocking someone is probably the only way you can really move forward. My ex blocked me and I'm grateful to him for that.

Love this response

Time. That’s what I did after dating men who treated by abysmally and I wondered why I stuck around and let that happen.

Just time to get over it and learn from it.

I’m trying to figure out how to move forward without feeling like I made a huge mistake.

Surely every relationship that ends can be classed as a ‘mistake’.
You just think “thank god I’m not still making that mistake”, learn from it and move on with your life. What’s done is done, you can’t change the past.
The mantra I live by is: If you can do something about it, do it. If you can’t, just get on with it.
You can’t do anything about this, as it’s already happened, so just get on with things.

Her point was that no woman deserves someone like this:
longterm unemployed with a police record for petty crime as long as your arm and a trail of children he never sees and doesn’t support with six different women.
she was challenging language that plays into the idea that dating is a market where people have different levels of value- hardly the language of feminism.

This! Why is there a need for self forgiveness? Surely everyone has done things they may regret but they move on. Why are you still thinking about it in such negative terms?
I had a bad end to my marriage. It doesn’t matter now. It’s in the past . Neither of us care about it let alone dwell on it. I’d try some CBT as this mindset will really affect your life. Good luck.

Often men who aren’t of your level will treat you badly to knock your confidence and keep you. It’s a tactic to make you think you can’t do better.

Be kind to yourself. Things get better.

He is just a terrible person then. And would be terrible for any woman.